


Music To Fuck To

by thep0rnfairy (Jesibella)



Series: MTFT 'Verse [1]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Abuse of the French Language, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, BDSM, Bondage, Bottom Jensen, Breathplay, Chad Being an Asshole, Frottage, Gratuitous Firefly References, M/M, Protective Chad, Shotgunning, Top Jared, Underage Drinking, revenge lap dances
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2016-07-15
Packaged: 2018-07-23 17:22:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 10
Words: 78,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7472904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jesibella/pseuds/thep0rnfairy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nothing in life is permanent, especially love. Jensen Ackles knows this all too well, and makes it a point to never get too attached. When he finds himself back in Chicago after a long deployment, things heat up between him and and an old flame- and nothing scares him as much as his feelings for Jared Padalecki.</p><p>Twice before he’d fucked up, walked away from the only man he’d ever wanted without an explanation. So when fate gives him an unexpected third chance, Jensen vows to do it right this time around.</p><p>When the lines between what they were and what Jensen hoped they could be become dangerously blurred, everything falls apart and Jensen is left exactly where he always feared he’d end up: Broken, left behind to pick up the pieces and figure out a future without Jared.</p><p>Spanning 10 years, two continents, three cities and several musical genres, Music To Fuck To is a cento of song lyrics, memories and hope.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Where Everything Goes To Shit

# 

# 

Chicago, January 2012

 

Raising his glass in a mock toast to the empty side of the booth, Jensen downed his fifth rocks glass of Glenfiddich neat. Jared had stormed out of the McRory’s less than an hour earlier. Jensen caught the bartender’s eye and waved his empty glass to signal wanting another. With a sad shake of her head, she grabbed the bottle and walked over to his table, refilling his glass. 

“Are you sure you don’t want something to eat, Jensen?” 

“I’m good, Jean. I’ll probably be taking off soon anyway,” Jensen answered, taking a sip from his glass.

“Well, you know where I’ll be if you change your mind,” she said, taking the bottle and walking back to the bar to serve the regulars parked there.

Jensen took a look around the bar, noting how much it had cleared out as the night progressed. 

The Irish snugs, private booths were all but empty, the majority of their sliding doors open to show their vacancy and to air out the perfume and cigarette smoke of their previous occupants. Most of the crowd which had huddled against or near the bar had left as well, making the luxury of the place feel worn thin so late at night. All that remained in the main room were the regulars, clustered around the circular tables in the middle of the room and huddled around the bar. A small group of men in rumpled suits were toasting something in the private room in the back, and Jensen hoped they were having a better time tonight than he’d had.

From his vantage point near the stage, Jensen had a clear view of the room he’d spent a lot of time in. The bar had seen Jensen through most of his adolescence; he’d played a few shows here with his band Kane, long before they’d been old enough to drink. The summer after high school, they’d even been offered a regular gig here a few nights a month. Kane was a hit with the college crowd, and Chris had talked about nothing but getting a break and going on tour with some of their biggest rock idols. Then two years later, Jensen had been accepted into the Army and left for boot camp, and Steve had been accepted to Millikin University for music study. Chris had stayed behind, tried to make a go of it as a solo act for a bit before landing a job as a self-defense instructor.

There was a gust of cold air as the front door opened, and Jensen frowned as his eyes caught a familiar face. Hoping to avoid the inevitable, Jensen leaned further into the snug, closing the door slightly with his foot. He wasn’t quick enough, though, and Chad slid into the booth across from him. 

"To what do I owe this pleasure, Murray? Did Jean’s restraining order expire?” 

"Very funny, jackass,” Chad answered, deftly stealing the drink from Jean’s hand as she tried to set it in front of Jensen. Chad swallowed it in one gulp, red-faced and coughing as he slammed the rocks glass back on the table. Jean helpfully patted him on the back, handing him the glass of water she’d also brought for Jensen. Chad sipped it cautiously before setting it down on the table and taking a deep breath. “What. The. Fuck.” Jensen raised an eyebrow, waiting for Chad to elaborate. When he didn’t, Jensen sighed and ran a hand over his face. 

“Is there something you actually need, Chad, or are you just here to punish me?” 

“I don’t know, Jensen. Is there something you feel you need to be punished for?” Chad challenged, his blue eyes cold as he smirked at him from across the table. Jensen couldn’t meet his eyes and looked down, studying the constellation of scratches on the surface of the table. “Jensen, what’s going on?” Chad asked, and Jensen looked up to see Chad staring at him with a raised eyebrow. His spiky blond hair was coated with drops of moisture, making him look like a squinty, disgruntled hedgehog. 

“What do you want me to tell you, Chad?” Jensen asked, looking down again as he started ripping the napkin on the table into tiny pieces. He was suddenly consumed with a burning desire for the cigarettes he hadn’t smoked in two years, and wondered if Jean still kept the stash of abandoned packs behind the bar.

As if summoned from above a pack dropped down on the table in front of him. He turned to see Chris Kane himself standing next to him, arms crossed against his chest. There was a thunderous expression on his face. “Thanks, I think?” 

“What. The. Fuck?” Chris growled, making Jensen flinch subtly. He’d heard Chris use that tone of voice on a lot of people before, but never aimed at him. Chris shrugged out of his brown leather jacket and hung it on the hook at the end of the booth before pulling his hair back and securing it with the hair tie from around his wrist.

“What, a guy can’t go to his favorite bar for a few drinks after a long day all of a sudden?” Jensen smiled, hoping to lighten the mood. “And how’d you know I was here?” He was starting to feel claustrophobic, surrounded in the booth as he was, and Jensen almost wished he’d just gone home to mope instead of staying at the bar to get thoroughly trashed.

“Because your boy called me about a half hour ago, and told me to come pick you up. Said you’d probably want a pack of smokes right about now, too. So, I’ll say it again, Jensen, and so help me god I better get an honest answer this time. What. The. Fuck.” Chris stepped closer and jabbed his finger into Jensen’s chest with each word.

Jensen felt the tenuous hold he’d been maintaining on his anger suddenly snap, “What do you mean, what the fuck? Why the fuck is this my fault, huh? Just because I didn’t want to go to Seattle and get gay married with the guy, suddenly I’m the heartless asshole?” 

Chad clinched his teeth together audibly and burst into motion. The table screeched loudly, and there was a sudden, sharp pain blooming across his mouth and right jaw as his head rocked back. Jensen put a hand to his lip, and it came away bloody. Jensen looked up to stare at Chad incredulously. Chad, to his credit, didn’t flinch. “Did you seriously just hit me, Murray?” 

“Yeah, douche canoe. I did. You're an idiot, but luckily you have The Chad to set you right.” 

“I thought we agreed you weren’t going to call yourself that anymore,” Chris interjected, shoving Jensen aside and sliding into the booth next to him. After waving to Jean, Chris turned and glared at Chad. “You touch him again, Murray, and you and I are gonna have words. And by words, I mean I’m going to break every bone in your goddamn body.” 

Chad laughed, but Chris didn’t so much as blink. Paling, Chad muttered something about assholes with no sense of humor but stayed otherwise silent. 

“And the fuck do you mean by gay married, Jensen? Why not just say married?” Chris asked, turning to face Jensen. “While you’re at it, why don’t you tell me why your boy called me tonight and asked me if I’d be cool with watching his mutts for a few days.”

Jensen slowly packed his cigarettes, tapping the pack against his left palm in a comforting ritual of seven times for each side. Completing the ritual, he then set two luckies on each side before pulling one from the center of the pack. Habitually, he exchanged the pack in his pocket for the lucky Zippo he carried with him everywhere. Lighting the cigarette and taking a deep drag, he felt the familiar burn in his throat and lungs, the artificial calm nicotine always gave him settling deep into his bones. 

“He’s moving to Seattle and needed someone he could trust to watch the kids while he makes final arrangements for the house he bought.” Tilting his head back, he exhaled slowly into the industrial air filter above his head before ashing the cigarette into the tray at the back of the table. 

“Why didn’t he ask you to do it?” Chris asked, obviously confused. 

Jean returned to the table with drinks for the three of them and a cold compress for Jensen’s face. Chris smiled his thanks to Jean, and she pecked him on the cheek before walking away. 

“He said he needed someone he could trust, and apparently, that’s not me anymore,” Jensen said bitterly, turning the glass in his hand before sipping the scotch. “I get it, though- After what I pulled, I don’t blame him.” 

“So you didn’t want to pick up and move across the country with him yet?” Chris shook his head, and a few strands of hair escaped his ponytail to hang around his face. 

“I didn’t even know he wanted me to,” Jensen said quietly. “When he talked about it, I always thought it was him trying to tell me that he wasn’t going to be around much longer.”

“And now that you know that wasn’t what he was saying?” Chris asked, taking a sip of his whiskey.

“I don’t know. I don’t know what I want.” Jensen replied. Chris patted Jensen’s shoulder, a disturbingly earnest expression on his face. 

“Well, it’s fine to be unsure what you want, Jensen. That’s not the end of the world and shouldn’t mean the end of a relationship either. Jay just needs time to get his head on straight, you’ll see. He’ll come around again.”

“Hold up, Kane.” Chad leaned over the table, raising an eyebrow. “Why does it have to be Jay that comes around to Jen’s way of thinking? Don’t you think he’s had to do that enough already?” 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean, Murray?” Chris demanded, mirroring Chad’s position as he leaned over the table as well, leaving the two of them looking for all the world like they were about to kiss. 

Jensen took another drag from his cigarette, watching with amusement as the two of them puffed up like cats sizing each other up for a fight. “What I mean, dumbass,” Chad fired back, “is that my man Jay has had his heart broken by this asshole three times already. Three fucking times, Kane. What makes you think that he’s going to be willing to hear anything Jen has to say after this?”

“This time, it was his choice to take off, Murray. Maybe Jensen wasn’t ready to leave everything here behind and follow Jared out to Twilight-land. You ever think of that?” Kane challenged while gestured with his beer bottle. He leaned back in the booth and nudged Jensen with his elbow. “Ain’t that right, Jenny-boy?”

“Kane,” Jensen sighed, leaning forward and resting his aching face on the ice pack in his hand. “As annoying as he is, I think Chad may be right this time.” 

Chad let out an ear-piercing whoop, and Chris stared at Jensen incredulously. “Is there something I don’t know about this situation, Jen? I’m feeling a little left out of the loop, here.” Chris caught Jean’s eye and shook his empty beer bottle, checking the rest of the table’s drink levels.

“I don’t think tonight’s the night for this, Chris,” Jensen started to explain but was cut off by Chad. 

“Oh, there’s a lot you don’t know about Jensen and Jared, Kane. Luckily, my buddy Jay tells me everything, so I’ve got a leg to stand on when I tell Jenny-boy here to go fuck himself on my friend’s behalf. If you knew half the shit this asshole has pulled, you’d tell him the same thing.” 

Chris grunted in surprise, staring at Jensen with a disbelieving look on his face. “Alright, spill.” He poked a finger in Jensen’s chest hard enough to make Jensen wince, and Chris raised an eyebrow. “And you can start with whatever the hell happened tonight.” 

Jensen shrugged, tilting his head back to exhale another lung full of smoke into the fan. “So, we went out tonight to see your show and came by here for a drink before heading home for the night. Jared started talking about how he had to make a decision soon, how that start-up in Seattle wasn’t going to wait forever for him to give them an answer.” 

“Oh, Jesus.” Chris wiped a hand over his face and looked at Jensen with pity. “Please tell me he didn’t call me to come pick up your sorry drunk ass from the bar because you can’t handle things like a grown-ass man. Please tell me that’s not why I had to ditch out on one of the best after-parties I’ve been to in years.” 

“Hey now, I'm not the one who called you,” Jensen argued. He stubbed his cigarette out in the ashtray and took a sip of his whiskey, waving Jean over. “I’m gonna take you up on that food if the offer still stands.” 

“Sure thing, Jen. What can I get you to soak up some of that whiskey?” She pulled a wet rag from her apron and wiped the table down, motioning for Jensen to pass her his ashtray so she could swap it out for a clean one. 

Chris gave her with an uncharacteristically sweet smile, and Jensen snorted. Chris had had a crush on Jean since high school but had never asked out the tough-as-nails girl for fear that she’d shoot him down. 

“Surprise me? You know what I like,” Jensen said with a small smile, taking another sip. 

“Gotcha.” She gave Chris and Chad an expectant look and took their orders as well. Chris watched her walk away and sighed quietly, turning back to Jensen. 

“So. You were giving me a perfectly good reason why Jared told me I had to be here for you tonight?” The sudden change in demeanor was startling; gone was the sweet smile and soft look in Chris’s eyes, replaced with a clear determination to get to the bottom of the story. 

Jensen internally cursed Chris’s stubborn streak but decided just to rip the bandage off and get it over with. “Jared and I have had a thing since I came back from the Army, right?” Chad snorted, and Jensen gave him a sharp look. “I’m sorry, am I not telling the story right?” 

“Naw, man. Go ahead, you’re fine. It’s just that this started way before that, and you know it.” Chad said, pointing his beer bottle at Jensen. 

Jensen raised his eyebrow in confusion, “No, we started fooling around a few months after I got back from Iraq for the last time. I think I’d know when it started since I was one of the people involved.” 

Chris watched the two of them argue, his lips in a thin line. “I’m sorry, are you telling me that you’ve been fooling around with Jared on the side this whole time, and you thought no one knew?” 

“I just… Wait, you knew?” Jensen stared at Chris, shocked. Chris stared back at him nonplussed, ice blue eyes steady on his.

“Dude, it’s not like you and Jay were subtle about it, sneaking off together every chance you got.” Chad barked a laugh, and Jensen glanced at him in horror. “Plus, any idiot could see the way he looked at you.”

Jensen lit another cigarette and rubbed a hand on the back of his neck. He watched the drops of water from the ice-filled towel pooling on the table and running in small rivulets to the edge of the table, where they fell and puddled to the floor. 

Closing his eyes, he remembered Jared that morning, waking up with pillow creases in his cheeks and hair in a crazy tangle but still the most beautiful thing Jensen had ever seen. Jared standing in the doorway of the bedroom with two cups of coffee, smiling that soft smile that was just for Jensen. Jared stretched out over him, holding his hands above his head as he ground into him slowly, lighting up every nerve in Jensen’s body like his very own Vegas light show. Kissing him softly and deeply, slowly like he had all the time in the world. 

Fingers snapped in front of his face, and Jensen realized he’d been silent for a few minutes at least. He stubbed out his nearly cashed cigarette and motioned to Chris that he wanted to get out of the booth. 

“Where do you think you’re going, Jen? You still haven’t told me what the fuck is going on, and I’m getting real confused here. What do you mean, fooling around with Jared? We all just assumed you were dating.” Chris quieted as he spotted Jean coming back check their drinks. He gave her a smile and a wink before turning back to Jensen. “If you think I’m going to let you just up and leave now, you’re an idiot.” 

Jensen sighed, rubbing a hand over his face before being painfully reminded of the bruise he was now probably sporting. “Chris, I just need to stretch my legs a bit. I promise I’ll come back and tell you everything. And then maybe later, we can braid each other’s hair and paint our toenails!” He said sarcastically, trying to shove Chris bodily out of the booth. It was no use; the man was built like a brick wall, and all his struggling got him was a taunting expression on Chris’s face.

“Shouldn’t have skipped so many training days with me, huh?” Chris said, smirking.

“Shut up, asshole. Seriously, I just need to stand up and move around a bit. Give me five minutes and we’ll talk.” 

“Sweet. That’ll give me time to go talk to those fine ladies that just walked in,” Chad agreed with a leer towards the group of women sitting in a booth a few feet from them. 

“Chad, they’re clearly here for a bachelorette party. Leave the poor girls alone,” Jensen begged, standing from the booth and wincing as he stretched. His stomach rumbled, and the sound reminded him that he hadn’t eaten anything since before noon.

“Come on, man. It’ll be like fish in a barrel.” Chad stood and made his way to the group of girls before Chris or Jensen could stop him. They watched in shocked horror as Chad wasn’t immediately laughed away from the group. 

“Good evening, ladies. Y’all are looking fine as hell tonight, and I just wanted to let you know that if any of you get bored with the candy dicks you’ve been sucking on all night, I’ve got something bigger for you to get your mouth around.” 

The awful pickup line felt like it made the whole bar pause in awkward silence, then something that Jensen was convinced only happened in movies happened: The booth full of girls stared at Chad for a long moment before one of them burst out laughing, causing the rest of them to start laughing and Chad was ordered to sit with them. 

Jensen stared in shock, and Chris chuckled beside him. 

Jensen turned to see Chris ruefully wipe a hand down his face. “Chris,” He paused, rubbing a hand nervously on the back of his neck, “you know I didn’t intentionally keep anything from you, right? It all just happened so fast, and I’m still not exactly sure what happened. I just-” 

Chris held up a hand and shook his head. “I’m gonna need more beer for this conversation, Jensen. I’m not saying I’m angry with you brother. And don’t think this isn’t some big homophobic meltdown because you know me better than that. I’m just having a tough time wrapping my mind around what exactly went down tonight, and I’m gonna need you to be honest with me, Jen. Can you do that?” 

“Yeah, Chris. God, anything.” Jensen stared down at his feet, his eyes burning with tears he refused to let fall. The enormity of what he’d done suddenly occurred to him, and he took a shuddery breath. “I really fucked up, Chris. I don’t think this is gonna be something that can be fixed.” 

Jean walked by, putting fresh drinks on their table and swapping out the ashtray for a fresh one. “Are you guys sure it’s okay to leave Mayhem over there with those girls without adult supervision,” she asked, raising an eyebrow and tilting her head to the group in question. The girls were now laughing loudly at something Chad was saying, and Chris shook his head. 

“He’ll be alright. Anything that happens, he’ll probably deserve it.” He turned to Jean, throwing an arm around her shoulders casually. “Hey, sweetheart. Do you think you could keep the drinks coming tonight? Jenny boy’s had a rough one, and I have a feeling it’s gonna be a long night.” 

“Will do, as long as you take his keys and give them to me first. That boy is in no condition to drive, and I was going to call him a cab before you and Mayhem showed up tonight.” Jean threw a worried glance at Jensen before turning back to Chris, smiling softly and brushing her brown hair back behind her ear. It was streaked with gray now, but Chris could remember when it was a different color every month. He knew she hated it now, but Chris thought it made her look a bit like Rogue from the X-Men, even if he’d die before telling her that and risking her laughing it off.

“Done. I’ll give ‘em to you when you drop off the food. Thanks, Jean. I really appreciate it,” Chris said, quickly dropping a kiss on her forehead before sitting back down at the booth. “Alright, Jensen. No more putting this off. Sit down and tell me what the hell is going on.” Chris pointed at the other side of the booth, and Jensen sat down after throwing an amused smile at Jean. 

“You’re like a damn dog with a bone, man.” Jensen reached into his jacket pocket and took out the pack of cigarettes, putting them on the table between the two of them. Taking one out, he lit it and took a deep drag before exhaling slowly towards the ceiling. “Alright, so what do you know? Or, where do you want me to start?” 

“Start wherever you want to, man. What happened tonight? And what the hell has been going on with you the last few weeks? You’ve been acting really fucking shady.” Chris tipped his fresh bottle towards Jensen, and Jensen clinked his rocks glass against it. 

“Alright, so you know how Jared went to the same high school as us?” 

“Yeah, I remember having a couple classes with his older brother Jeff. What does that have to do with anything?” 

“And do you remember that last show we did before I shipped off? At that house in Downers Grove?” 

“Hold on a second, Jensen. Are you telling me this has been going on since high school?” Chris narrowed his eyes, thinking back to that night and the gig they’d played. 

Chad slid into the booth next to Chris, face covered in lipstick marks, and Jensen had to bite back a laugh. “Dude, what happened to you?” Chris looked to the side and chuckled. 

“Man, you guys are just jealous of The Chad’s game.” Chad wiggled his eyebrows, and Jensen burst into laughter again. 

“Sure, Chad. Whatever helps you sleep at night.” Jensen shook his head and exhaled slowly. “So, are we gonna do this thing or not?” 

“It’s your show, Jenny. Mayhem and I are just here to play Adam and Dr. Drew to your long-time listener, first-time caller,” Chris drawled, making Jensen suddenly long for the days of coming home late from shows and catching the last few minutes of Loveline on Q101. 

“So, like I was saying. Jared and I bumped into each other that night after the show was over, and I ended up finding out the kid had had a crush on me for most of high school.” Chad snorted into his beer, and Jensen narrowed his eyes. “I’m sorry, Chad. Is there something you want to say?” 

“I wouldn’t say it was a crush, exactly. Just that he thought you were the greatest thing since Pearl Jam, man. He’d had a crush on you since Jeff brought you home for a school project your junior year, and you were totally fucking oblivious.” 

“I… What? He was what, a freshman then?” Jensen shuddered. “Man, I was a junior. You can’t seriously have expected me to have noticed Jay then.” 

“He did,” Chad smirked, and stole a cigarette from the pack Jensen had absentmindedly left open on the table between them. “Also, I do declare that pack to be community property, bitch.”

“Community property? Really? Chad, we haven’t had that rule in years. You’re a grown man now. You can’t walk down to the 7-11 and get your own cigarettes?” Chris asked, snatching the pack from Chad’s hands.

“Hey, dickbutt. Rules are rules. Jensen left the pack on the table for 10 minutes; that means they’re fair game. We run out, I’ll get another pack, and that one will be community property too. Fair?”

“Whatever, man. So, what you’re saying is this has been going on for a while? And no one thought to clue me in?” Chris said gruffly, and Jensen glanced over to see Chris clenching and unclenching his fists under the table. Jensen reached over and rested his left hand on Chris’s fist, squeezing gently. 

“Chris, you know I didn’t intentionally keep any of this from you. It’s just… fucking complicated. Like I said, things started that night at the party in Downers Grove, but it took a few years to really happen.”

“And clearly, if we let you tell the story, it’s going to take that long to tell it.” Chad interrupted. He drank the rest of his beer, then burped loudly, looking pleased with himself.

“Okay then, asshole. If you think you can tell it better, then please do.” Jensen said, leaning back in the booth. 

“Alright, bitches. Sit back and get comfortable, because The Chad is about to tell you how the epic love story of Padackles came to be.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Where Everything Goes To Shit Soundtrack: 
> 
> 1\. First Impressions (Instrumental) – Yo-Yo Ma 2\. Restless Dream – Jack’s Mannequin 3\. Everchanging – Rise Against 4\. New Beginnings – Finch 5\. Black & White Movies – Andrew McMahon & The Wilderness 6\. You Had Time, Ani DiFranco 7\. When We Were Young – Adele 8\. Moondust (stripped) – Jaymes Young 9\. Writing’s On The Wall – Sam Smith 10\. Go – Hanson 11\. Blood Stutter – Handsome Ghost 12\. Tragedy + Time – Rise Against 13\. Here We Are, Juggernaut – Coheed & Cambria 
> 
> [Where Everything Goes To Shit on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/user/1221018653/playlist/4GmWXBu3ngp21Y6tcY81jq)


	2. Teenage Dream

# 

# 

Downers Grove, July 2002

Jared clenched the flyer tightly in his hand, looking up at The Bunker with a critical eye. He and Chad had spent most of their summer after graduation together, trying to hang out as much as possible before Jared left for college in the fall. When Chad had broached the subject of their going to the Bunker again earlier in the week, Jared had flatly refused and brought up several examples of why it was a terrible idea. Most of their visits ended in him helping Chad escape the boyfriends of his would-be conquests, or dragging his overly inebriated body to his car parked on the street. On one memorable occasion, he’d had to drive Chad to the Planned Parenthood clinic in North Aurora so he could get treated for the chlamydia his friend had caught from the object of a previous night’s affections. 

Chad had convinced him to go, though, after showing him the flier: _Kane_ , a band comprised of kids who’d attended their high school, were performing one last time before going their separate ways. Chad had pointed out that Jared’s crush Jensen, the guitar player for the band, was newly single and leaving for boot camp in a few weeks. Honestly, he’d pointed out, what did Jared have to lose?

Shaking his head, Jared followed Chad into the basement through the side door and was immediately hit by the sweet sweaty smell of too many bodies in a small space during a hotter-than-normal Chicago summer. He grabbed a beer from one of the recycling bins full of ice and made his way through the crowd to the right edge of the stage, where he was able to see without getting in the way of anyone else in the basement. 

_Kane_ was currently covering Jimmy Eat World’s “Praise Chorus” with a country feel, and the crowd was pressed close to the stage, jumping in time to the music and singing along. Jared kept feeling his eyes drawn to Jensen, watching the way he played guitar with his eyes closed, singing fervently into the microphone. Sweat poured down Jensen’s face and soaked the neckline of his t-shirt, and Jared was uncomfortably reminded of every jerk-off fantasy he’d ever had since Jeff brought Jensen over for a school project when Jared was 14. They hadn’t talked in two years, but that didn’t stop Jared from having downright pornographic thoughts every time their paths crossed.

The song ended, and the band immediately launched into a cover of the Foo Fighter’s “All my Life.” Jared found himself jumping in time, spinning and dancing with the rest of the crowd. Singing along at the top of his lungs, he threw a fist in the air, feeling free for the first time in months. The stress of finals was finally behind him, graduation over and done with. Now it was summer, and he intended to make every moment count before leaving for school in the fall.

The song ended, and the crowd gathered in the basement broke out into loud applause. Chris, the lead singer of _Kane_ , announced they were taking a short break, and Jared decided to get a drink from the makeshift bar set up in the back corner of the basement. There were kegs in blue plastic recycling bins sitting under the stairs, the melting water from the ice inside slowly snaking its way to the grate in the floor. A large board had been placed across the top of the kegs with assorted liquors. 

Two guys Jared recognized from previous parties were manning the bar, and he was content to listen to their conversation while he waited in line. James Roday was pouring shots while chatting up customers; a few inches shorter than Jared, with messy brown hair and bright blue eyes, he was constantly scanning the crowd even while talking to the people in front of him. His friend, Dulé Hill, was wearing a bright pink shirt that popped against his dark complexion. The absurd brightness of his dress shirt clashed with the disapproving frown he kept giving James, between what he probably thought were suave smiles at the co-eds getting their solo cups refilled.

“No, Dulé. There is a beautiful woman about to walk up to this table. I can feel it. Do you wanna let her down? Do you want to be responsible for ruining that perfect woman's night with a less than perfect mixed drink?” 

“You know I have a meeting with my Alpha Chi advisor in the morning, James. Besides, when has mixing a drink ever got you laid?” 

“Me personally? Never. But tonight could be my night. I'm feeling that perfect ten is going to need something long and strong-” Jared stepped up to the bar, and James stopped midsentence to look Jared up and down. “-and hard.”

Jared laughed, giving a small wave. “Sorry to disappoint you, man.”

“Well, at least I got the perfect ten part right. Yowza. You know what this situation needs? Tequila.” James announced, reaching under the bar into a backpack before pulling out a half-empty bottle of Patrón Añejo and a few limes. 

“James, no. Do not break out the tequila,” Dulé pleaded, hiding the shot glasses behind his back. 

“Too late, my friend.” James shot back, opening the bottle and pouring a healthy amount into a red Solo cup. He squeezed a lime into the cup, then handed it to Jared with a flourish. “Here you go, man. May all your wildest dreams come true tonight!”

Jared raised the cup in a mock toast before downing the tequila in one long swallow. He was surprised to find that it didn’t burn at all going down, instead giving him a mellow sweetness in his throat and a sudden punch to the gut. “Wow, this shit is amazing!”

“Not as amazing as the night you’re gonna have, buddy boy.” James gestured towards Jared with the tequila bottle, a wide expression on his face. “Here, take it. Compliments of the bar and all that.”

“James, you can’t go around giving 18-year-olds tequila like it’s candy.”

“Oh please, Dulé. Jared looks like a perfectly responsible adult who knows not to drink and drive. Granted, he also looks like a 1990’s Abercrombie model, so my judgment might be a bit skewed. But still! The night is young, and so is he! Go forth, my dear friend, and enjoy all the world has to offer you!” 

With that, James threw an arm around Dulé, and they wandered off into the crowd, leaving the bar unattended. Jared was still staring after the two men in confusion as they disappeared into the crowd when he felt a tug on his shirt sleeve. He looked down to see Maggie, one of the Bunker regulars, looking up at him while flicking her long blond hair behind her. 

“Maggie, hey! How’ve you been?” He asked, quickly giving her a one-armed hug. “Hey, Jared. I’d love to stay and chat, but I’m kind of looking for someone. Did you see where James went,” she asked, looking disappointed. “Someone told me he’d mix me the perfect drink tonight, and I’m getting sick of beer.”

“Sorry, Maggie. You just missed him. I heard Dulé mention something a couple of minutes ago about having a meeting with an Alpha Chi dude in the morning, so I think they might be heading out. If you go through the basement door and around the house, you might still be able to catch him,” Jared said, trying to be helpful.

“Oh, that’s great. Thanks, Jared!” She quickly pecked him on the cheek, then disappeared into the crowd as well.

Jared, feeling hot and overwhelmed by the sheer number of people crowded into the basement, decided he’d had enough and made his way up the stairs to the main part of the house dodging people as he went. Walking through the through the living room, he remembered having seen a trampoline on a previous visit, during a drunken water balloon fight in the backyard. He decided to hide there for a bit until Chad was ready to leave.

Making his way through the kitchen, a girl he recognized (Katie? Cassie?) from his Senior Chemistry class waved enthusiastically, gesturing to the lines of coke covering the island and loudly asking if he wanted to party with her. He mimicked not being able to hear her over the music now reverberating from the basement, shaking his head and escaping out the kitchen door that led to the deck out back. The music followed him out the door, something pulsing and industrial with a beat that set Jared’s nerves on edge. 

The side door closed, and suddenly the night was quieter, the noise from the house muffled to white noise. Jared took a deep breath and ran his hands through his hair, tilting his head back to look at the stars in the sky. The weather had cooled considerably as darkness fell, and Jared watched as lightning bugs began to dart to and fro in the tall grass of the backyard. Someone had thoughtfully lit citronella torches, keeping the hordes of June mosquitos at bay. 

The trampoline was set near the back corner of the half-acre lot. Making his way there in the darkness, Jared took another swig from the tequila bottle and then climbed up onto the trampoline. Laying down, he breathed in the humid night air, closing his eyes and listening to the frogs sing in the pond on the other side of the backyard.

A loud bang jolted Jared from his thoughts, causing him to sit up with a start and look back towards the house in confusion. A light clicked on above the deck, and Jensen stepped outside, laughing loudly with someone; his band must have finished its second set, and Jared realized it was later than he’d thought. He watched the two of them talk for a moment, staring at the way Jensen threw his head back when he laughed. Jared wished for a moment that he was brave enough to get up and talk to Jensen. Another laugh from Jensen and reality set back in. Jared laid back down to resume staring at the stars without actually seeing them.

Jared’s older brother, Jeff, had been friends with Jensen since he transferred to their high school his junior year. Jensen and Jeff had become thick as thieves, hanging out at the Padalecki household every weekend. Jared understood, from the bits of conversation that he’d managed to overhear, that Jensen and his family had moved to Chicago the year before after his mother left his father. His mother worked a lot at some office downtown, leaving Jensen and his sister on their own a lot of the time.

Jared felt his buzz wearing off and just as he sat up to take another drink from the bottle of tequila, he was startled by someone flopping down next to him. The scent of sea salt and pine wafted over to him, and he turned to see the subject of his thoughts staring at him. 

“Oh, dude! I’m sorry, I didn’t know this was your spot. I’ll move.” Jared sat up and swung his legs over the edge, only to be stopped by Jensen’s hand on his wrist.

“That would kind of defeat the purpose of coming out here to hang out with you, wouldn’t it?”

Jared paused, unsure he’d heard correctly. “With me,” he repeated dubiously.

“Why are you so surprised?” Jensen asked, studying his face intently. “Do you want me to go?”

“Oh, no. It’s just, well, we haven’t talked since you graduated?” Jared stared at his hands, hating himself a bit for sounding so unsure. 

“Naw, man. I’m sorry we haven’t talked in a while. Life just kind of gets in the way, you know? And plus, after your brother left for school, I figured you wouldn’t want your older brother’s friend hanging around, being a creeping creeper.”

“I wouldn’t have minded,” Jared muttered. “So, why do you want to hang out with me? I figured you’d want to spend more time with your friends before you leave for boot camp,” he said, swinging his legs back onto the trampoline and sitting cross-legged facing Jensen.

“You know about that?” Jensen asked, seeming confused.

“My mom mentioned something about it a few weeks ago.” Jared shrugged. “She was proud of you for joining up. My whole family is.”

“Well tell them I said thank you, would you? My own mom freaked out, hasn’t spoken to me in weeks since she found out I got in.” Jensen picked at a hole in his jeans for a moment, then looked back up at Jared with a small smile and nudged him with his shoulder. “And I am hanging out with a friend.”

They chatted for a while, catching up on the last few years of their lives. Jensen talked about the random jobs he’d had since graduation and the different concerts he’d been to. He and the rest of _Kane_ had toured the east coast for a summer, staying in the apartments of friends and fans whenever they could and in Chris’s van when there was no other option available.

“Oh, I can’t believe I haven’t told you yet. I got accepted to the University of Chicago!” Jared said, his whole face lighting up in excitement.

“Yeah, what are you going for?”

“Architecture, I think. I know it’s a little nerdy, but it’s fascinating to me, and I believe that it’s something I can make a difference doing.”

“Wow, man. Color me impressed. Are you excited about getting out of Glen Ellyn?” Jensen asked, scooting closer to the middle of the trampoline and, coincidentally, Jared.

“To be honest, I’m more excited about finally getting to be who I am without having to worry about people freaking out because I’m gay.” He paused, waiting to see Jensen’s reaction.

Jensen seemed completely unsurprised. “Well, I hope it works out for you. College is supposed to be a time to experiment, right?”

“I guess. You went to C.o.D., right?” The local community college was a popular stepping stone to both state schools and universities, in particular for those that needed to save for tuition before moving on, or were unsure what field of study they wanted to focus on.

“Yeah, or at least that was the plan. I ended up dropping out after the first year. It was either work overnight to pay for school or not be able to afford to go at all.”

“Is that why you joined up? So you can go back to school later?”

“Eh. Something like that. Mostly I was just tired of floating through life, you know? Maybe the Army will give me a sense of direction.”

“Sounds like a solid plan,” Jared murmured, getting distracted by the way Jensen gestured with his hands while he spoke.

“Yeah, I’m hoping so.”

They fall into a comfortable silence at that, sitting side by side and their heads back to stare at the stars.

“Hey, do you want to split a joint with me?” Jensen asked suddenly, and Jared nodded. Jensen reached into his cargo shorts pocket, pulling out a cigarette pack. Inside there were three perfectly rolled joints and a small Bic lighter. Jensen lit it and took the first hit. He grinned broadly and passed it to Jared, who took a small hit and managed to hold it in without coughing, something he’d never managed to do before.

They passed it back and forth until finishing it in companionable silence; Jared lay back down lazily, the stars now streaking through the sky like vapor trails. Jensen lay down next to him, their shoulders brushing as they reminisced about high school and the last day they’d seen each other. Jared had been in the gym for JV basketball practice after school, and Jensen had been wasting time with the cheerleading squad on his last full day as a senior.

Jensen laughed quietly. “Didn’t you get a get a basketball to the face?”

“Well, if you weren’t so bendy and distracting it wouldn't have happened in the first place,” Jared replied hotly, the pot making his tongue loose and easy. Jared froze, belatedly realizing what he’d just said. “That is- I mean- Oh fuck.”

Jensen chuckled, then paused thoughtfully. “You know, I wouldn’t have felt the need to show off if you hadn’t been so hot, so clearly it was all your fault.” 

Jared sat up quickly, the motion making his head spin. He was mortified for a moment, afraid Jensen would think he was a spaz, but Jensen just chuckled and sat up next to Jared, moving close enough that Jared could smell Jensen’s cologne and feel his body heat. 

Jensen pulled another joint from the pack next to him on the trampoline, raising an eyebrow. Jared nodded hastily and felt another stab of embarrassment; he didn’t want to come off to Jensen as some overeager kid. Jensen studied Jared for a moment, and Jared fought to maintain eye contact. He knew, somehow, that he’s being judged, measured for god knows what. He found that he really didn’t care, that he just didn’t want to be found wanting. 

Seemingly coming to some sort of conclusion, Jensen lit the joint with his Bic, taking a long hit and holding it. He leaned forward, resting a hand on the back of Jared’s neck and pulled him close. He smiled before kissing Jared, opening Jared's mouth with his tongue and exhaled the smoke into Jared's lungs on Jared’s startled gasp. Jared held it for a moment before exhaling out his nose and deepening the kiss, moaning softly as he cupped Jensen's jaw in his hand. 

# 

Jensen pulled back to take another hit, and Jared took the opportunity to lick a trail up Jensen's neck, biting at the spot behind his ear and kissing away the sting. Jensen stifled a moan behind closed lips and turned back to Jared, kissing him again and blowing smoke into Jared's all too eager lungs. Jared kissed and nipped at Jensen’s skin between breathing in the thick smoke offered from Jensen’s full lips until the joint was gone. Apparently annoyed at the position they were in, Jensen flicked the roach off the edge of the trampoline and pressed against Jared, coaxing him to lie back so he could lie on top of him as they kissed and ground against each other.

Jared sat up again after a moment, pushing and pulling Jensen until he sat in his lap, wanting him closer, needing to be more in control of Jensen’s movements. He grabbed Jensen's ass and squeezed, pulling Jensen down before releasing him. Jensen caught on to what Jared was trying to do, and ground down hard against Jared’s growing erection, groaning when Jared bit down particularly hard on his collarbone. 

“Please,” Jensen whispered, the first time either had spoken an actual word in a while. “Please, I won't break. I like- I like it rough.”.” His breathing was coming faster, more shallow with each sharp grind onto Jared’s lap. Jared worked a hand under Jensen’s shirt, finding a nipple and twisting hard, causing Jensen to cry out in a whimper. Jared was immediately addicted to the sound and wanted to know what else he could do to draw it from Jensen’s throat.

Jared shifted one hand to the back of Jensen's head, grabbing his hair and tugging hard while biting Jensen's lip. Jensen yelped and shuddered above Jared, and the surge of desire it gave him made him breathless with want. 

Jensen twisted his hips slowly against Jared's cock, moaning Jared's name like it was the only word he knew, and Jared lost it. He rolled them over so Jensen was lying on his back and ground his hips roughly into Jensen, pulling his legs up to wrap them around his waist and eating the moans out of Jensen's mouth. He could feel Jensen’s cock through his cargo shorts, which only spurred him on further. 

Jared grabbed Jensen's hands and stretched them high above his head to grip the metal railing of the trampoline, holding them there with one hand and bracing his weight with the other. Pulling up Jensen’s shirt to his armpits, he began alternating between sucking and biting his nipples, loving all the soft cries and bitten off moans Jensen was making. Shifting up, he licked the shell of Jensen’s ear slowly before sucking on the skin behind it, nibbling at the tender spot.

“I’m getting close,” he whispered between sucking bites to Jensen’s neck and collarbone. “Suck me?” 

Jensen nodded and sat up, putting a hand on Jared’s chest and pushing him to lie down on the trampoline. He quickly unzipped Jared’s jeans and pulled them down his slim hips, leaving them flopping awkwardly somewhere between his knees and ankles. Pulling down his boxer briefs carefully, he freed Jared’s dick and pumped his hand experimentally, causing Jared to whimper. The cooling night air didn’t have time to settle against his hard flesh before Jensen was sucking him down in one go. 

Jared could just barely make out Jensen's green eyes sparkling with mischief in the light from the porch light, his lips red and stretched around Jared’s cock as he sucked and licked, bobbing his head up and down. Jared propped himself up on one elbow so he could watch, mimicking Jensen’s position on the trampoline. Jensen’s right shoulder was moving, and Jared realized he was jacking himself off while blowing him, moaning loudly each time he came up for breath.

“Come on, Jay,” Jensen moaned, taking his hand out of his pants and kneeling on the trampoline. “Fuck my mouth.” 

Jared groaned and stood up carefully, staring down at Jensen’s upturned face. Jensen opened his mouth slightly, and Jared widened his stance to line up his cock. The warm breath from Jensen’s panting mouth made him groan, and he thrust his hips softly, not wanting to hurt Jensen. Jensen reached up suddenly and grabbed Jared’s hips, sucking him down until Jared was buried deep his throat. Jensen’s eyelids fluttered, and Jared let out a long whine before pulling back and thrusting in again, more roughly this time. Jared reached down, gripping the hair on the back of Jensen’s head and pulling it in time with his thrusts.

“I’m not gonna last long, Jen,” Jared growled with a sharp snap of his hips. “You gonna swallow me down?”

Jensen’s hands shot up to hold Jared’s hips steady, drinking Jared down and holding him deep in his throat. He groaned deeply, and his eyes flicked up to stare at Jared as he swallowed convulsively around Jared’s cock. With that image Jared came hard, throwing his head back and groaning deeply. 

Jensen licked him clean slowly, tucking his softening cock back into his pants before patting his hip. Jared sat down shakily, struggling to catch his breath. After a moment, he cleared his throat and looked up at Jensen.

“You, ah, you want me to take care of that for you?” Jared croaked, gesturing at Jensen’s crotch.

“Oh, that won’t be necessary,” Jensen chuckled, and Jared stared at him in disbelief.

“Are you telling me you just came? From sucking me off?” He asked incredulously, and Jensen blushed. Jared felt his ego grow two sizes and leaned in to kiss Jensen hungrily, tasting his come on the other boy’s tongue and groaning.

Jensen pulled away slowly, nipping Jared’s bottom lip playfully before soothing it with his tongue. He crawled over the edge of the trampoline to pull his pants and boxers off, hopping from one leg to another. He used them to wipe himself off, and Jared watched him lazily, enjoying the view before Jensen pulled his pants back up and threw the soiled boxers off into the darkness.

Jensen climbed back onto the trampoline and crawled to lay next to Jared, still breathing heavily. Jared rolled over to kiss him, sucking Jensen’s tongue and savoring the taste of himself in Jensen’s mouth. They pulled apart and laid together, staring at the stars again. Jensen fished a crumpled pack of cigarettes from his abandoned hoodie pocket, lighting it and taking a drag before passing it to Jared. 

Chad chose that moment to show up.

“Dude, I’m bored. I’ve either banged all these chicks or they’re not worth banging. Let’s go.” Chad paused, finally noticing that Jared wasn’t alone. “Sorry, man. Am I interrupting?”

Jared looked at Jensen questioningly, leaving the decision up to him.

“Naw, I actually gotta head out. I’ve got a thing tomorrow morning anyway.” Jensen sat up, climbing off the trampoline and ducking to grab his guitar case. Jared climbed down after him, and the three of them walked through the backyard in the general direction of the street and Chad’s car. 

“You okay to drive, man?” Jensen asked, staring at Chad. 

“Yeah, I’m good. Had a beer a couple of hours ago, but nothing since. What about you?” Chad asked. “Do you need a ride somewhere?”

“Thanks, but no. Chris lives a couple of blocks away; I’ll just crash there tonight.” Chad nodded and climbed into the car, giving them a moment of privacy in a surprisingly adult move.

Jensen stared down the street for a moment before turning to Jared with an expression Jared couldn’t decipher- Sadness? Fondness? Regret? “So, I guess this is it, huh?” He said sadly, setting down his guitar case.

“It doesn’t have to be. I mean, if you don’t want it to be, that is.” Jared continued to babble, “You know that park between our houses? Wanna meet up there tomorrow? Around six? We could just hang out or something if you want.” Jared shut his mouth with an audible click.

Jensen hesitated for a moment, then agreed. He reached forward and positioned Jared under the street light, and nodded in satisfaction when Jared was situated just so.

Jared laughed. “What are you doing?”

“I, uh… I’m going to take your picture, so I never forget you or tonight,” Jensen said shyly, color blooming on his cheeks adorably.

“Okay,” Jared whispered. “Me too.” 

Jared committed this moment to memory: The smell of Jensen's cologne and the lingering odor of pot in the air, the way the street lights brought out the red in Jensen's hair. Jensen leaned forward suddenly, pulling Jared by the arms into a kiss somehow different than the others they'd shared. Jared thought for a moment that he tasted salt, but when he pulled away and opened his eyes, Jensen was already walking down the street to his car. 

Jared looked down, noticing that Jensen left his guitar. “Weird,” he muttered and opened the back passenger door to slide the guitar case in before getting in the front seat. “He never gave me his number,” Jared realized. “How am I supposed to let him know I have it?” While calling his brother to get it was an option, Jared didn’t relish the idea of trying to explain to Jeff why he was asking for it to begin with. He decided that taking it with the following night would be the best option.

The next evening, Jared took an hour to get ready, reminding himself that it wasn’t necessarily a date while wavering between clothing choices. After pulling everything he owned out of his closet, he finally decided on a simple t-shirt and jeans. His hair refused to cooperate on account of the soup-like humidity outside, so Jared pulled it back into a small ponytail before leaving. Carrying the guitar case, he made his way down the trail behind his house that meandered through the neighborhood to the park where they’d agreed to meet. He was a little early, so he stopped at the 7-11 nearby and got something to drink while he waited in the early evening heat.

Jensen never showed at the park. Jared waited until nine just to be sure he wouldn’t miss him, but eventually gave up and went home. 

Later, he ran into Chris at another party, and when he asked about Jensen, Chris chuckled. 

“Fucker left two weeks early, didn’t say goodbye to anyone. Guess he didn’t know how.” Chris said before walking away. 

When Jared left for school a month later, he took the guitar with him, figuring someone there would teach him how to play. 

~~~~~~

Chad’s voice trailed, and Jensen opened his eyes to see they’d attracted quite the crowd: Their friends Mike and Tom had shown up at some point, pulling up chairs and sitting close together with Mike’s arm around Tom’s shoulders. Jean was sitting next to Chris in the booth with her chin resting on her hand, and Chris’s arm was resting on the bench seat behind her. The entire bachelorette party had pulled up a table next to their booth so they could listen to the story more closely. The rest of the bar had cleared out at some point, and the bartender had even left for the evening, leaving the twelve of them in their own little world. Jensen realized everyone was staring at him, and he felt suddenly defensive.

“What,” he asked, looking from face to face in confusion.

“That was kind of a dick move, Ackles. And by kind of, I mean really,” Mike said, leaning forward and gesturing with the bottle of beer he was holding. 

“Why didn’t you tell him the truth about when you were leaving? Why even make the effort to lie?” One of the girls in the bachelorette party asked, looking entirely too sober for the occasion. “Were you scared?”

Jensen found himself struggling to answer that question, realizing he’d never really thought through his reasons for what he’d done that summer. “I guess… I didn’t want to say goodbye, because saying goodbye would make it final, and I didn’t want to end on a sad note, you know?”

“You came back on leave that October, before you shipped out to Iraq the first time,” Chris said, staring at Jensen intently. “Did you try to find Jared? Did you try to explain any of that to him?”

“Yeah, but- well, let’s just say it didn’t go well. Or at all, actually.” Jensen rubbed the back of his neck and sighed deeply before reaching and taking a cigarette from the communal pack on the table. Lighting it and taking a drag, he sighed again. “I found out from his brother that he was working at a café on campus, and I went to see him. I just wanted to talk, see if we could still be friends. I knew better than to think we could just pick up where we’d left off, but…”

“You still hoped that he felt the same, didn’t you?” The girl from the party asked, giving him a sympathetic smile.

“Yeah, I think I did. But then I got there and saw him flirting with a cute girl, and well… I didn’t want to mess anything up for him.”

“Jensen.” Jean was looking at him with an odd expression on her face, and Jensen realized it was pity. “You know Jared’s gay, right?”

“I… What?” Jensen felt lost, as though everyone knew something he didn’t.

“A fan of the beef whistle.” At Jensen’s wide-eyed look he continued. “A lover of the purple-headed people greeter. Shops for tan bananas.” Chad said, his amusement growing with each one he uttered.

The girl from the bachelorette party perked up. “Skin flute. Piston. Pork baton,” she said, raising an eyebrow in challenge.

Chad laughed and took the bait. “Skin slinky. Love shark. Pants lance.”’

“Carnal cucumber. Stick shift. Third leg.” This was added by Mike, who seemed to be eager to get in on the impromptu contest.

“Sophia,” the girl said, extending a hand for Chad to shake.

“Never heard that one before,” Chad said, leering at her before smiling more genuinely and shaking her hand. “Chad. Also, one-eyed wonder weasel.”

“That’s a pretty odd nickname, Chad.” Sophia laughed, brushing her hair over her shoulder before pulling it back in a ponytail.

“Anyway,” Chris cut in, eager to change the topic. “You honestly didn’t know that Jared was gay? Even after he flat out told you?”

“Chris, I was riding an adrenaline high after that show.” Jensen protested. “It was the last one before I left for boot, and I’d done shots with you and Steve before we went on, remember? And then there were more shots with James, and the joint during our break, and the brownies once we were done. By the time I got outside and tracked Jared down, I was more than a little gone.” Jensen finished the rest of the scotch in one long swallow, then stared at the glass in his hand as if it had betrayed him by being empty. 

Jean got up from the bench and grabbed another bottle and rocks glass from the bar, sitting down and refilling Jensen’s glass before pouring a few fingers for herself. “Everything from that night is a little hazy, like a dream I had years ago. And I held on to that dream all through boot camp. When I finished boot and came home, I wanted to talk to Jared and try to figure out where we stood, if I could write him letters while I was gone and if he would write me back.”

“And then you saw him with Sandy and assumed the worst,” Chad filled in, penis name contest forgotten for the moment. 

“Not so much assumed the worst, I think, as…” Jensen paused, searching for the right words.

“Took the path of least resistance.” Sophia offered, “or, at least the safe path instead of the one less traveled.” Jensen smiled in appreciation at the turn of phrase. “DADT hadn’t repealed yet, and you were about to ship out to the Middle East. My cousin was in the Army, and his letters were read before they were sent while he was deployed, and we all had to be careful when we replied.”

“Exactly.” Jensen agreed in a rush. “I didn’t want to make things harder than they had to be, and he seemed happy when I saw him. I thought, why ruin that? So I spent the rest of the week with you and Steve, and did my best to forget about Jared and that night.”

“What changed?” Jean asked, snuggling closer to Chris on the bench.

“Paris,” Jensen and Chad said at the same time, and Jensen gestured for Chad to continue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Teenage Dream Soundtrack: 
> 
> 1\. A Praise Chorus – Jimmy Eat World 2\. All My Life – Foo Fighters 3\. The Middle – Jimmy Eat World 4\. Hands Down – Dashboard Confessional 5\. All The Same – Sick Puppies 6\. Sweetness – Jimmy Eat World 7\. There Is – Boxcar Racer 8\. Boys of Summer – The Ataris 9\. Mourning – Tantric 10\. Epiphany – Staind 11\. I Miss You – Blink-182 12\. Love Song for No One – John Mayer 13\. Somewhere Out There – Our Lady Peace 
> 
> [Teenage Dream on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/user/1221018653/playlist/2ZRrHLIcSfcaLfud42ONV4)


	3. The Set-Up

# 

# 

Paris, October 2006

The day had started out unseasonably warm for the fall season but had quickly turned cool as the sun went down. Traffic on the Metro was still heavy despite the late hour, and the subway car was packed with a colorful mix of exhausted office employees and young adults getting ready for a night out on the town. Standing up and giving his seat to an elderly man at the Saint Lazare, he walked quickly through the tunnels, pulling his wool coat closer to his body. Running up the steps to Rue Amsterdam, he barely stopped at the top in time to avoid running into an older woman out walking her high-strung poodle. 

“Désolé, madame!” he called behind him as he jammed his hands in his pockets to deter the pickpockets he’d forever been warned about but had never seen in the six months he’d lived in Paris. He turned and headed north on Rue Amsterdam, making his way towards Montmartre proper. Taking in the sights and smells of the cafes on every corner, he was once again reminded of how glad he was that he’d moved to Paris for a year-long internship with one of the oldest firms in Paris. He hadn’t known much French beyond what he’d learned in high school and college when he’d arrived, but he’d always been a quick learner and within a month or so he was able to hold a conversation with native speakers without embarrassing himself too badly.

He leaned his head back for a moment at the crosswalk at the corner of Rue Amsterdame and Boulevard de Clichy, watching as the clouds of his breath dissipated into the sky. Crossing the street, he passed the Moulin Rouge and its laughing crowds, glancing in the door as always to see what the competition was up to for the night. Seeing nothing worth stepping inside for, he continued down the street before turning left onto Rue Lepic, crossing quickly before stopping in front of the entrance to Passage Lepic. 

Suddenly there was an arm wrapping around his waist from behind, and he turned around, laughing. “Colette, you startled me!”

The tiny blonde smiled up at him, craning her neck to do so. Standing barely 5 feet tall, Colette was a crowd favorite at Les Maquereaux, the American-style gentleman's club and bar Jared danced at for some extra cash while going to school in Paris. “Bon soir, Jared! I didn’t expect to see you here tonight. Did you get called in, or are you just here to say hi?”

“No, no. I’m off tonight. I just wanted to come say hi before heading out to Stephen’s party.” At this Colette pursed her lips, looking displeased. Stephen was a regular at the club, and after a few visits, he and Jared had become friends. None of the girls were fans of his; they felt he was too possessive of Jared’s attention and time each time he came to the club. Wanting to change topics quickly, Jared gestured to the stack of fliers in her hand. “Why are you on flier duty tonight? I thought it was your job last night.”

Colette blushed, ducking her head down. “About that… Apparently, it’s not acceptable to dump a tray of drinks on a customer who doesn’t understand the word ‘no,’ because that is what the bouncers are for. So, Luca has me on flier duty until I learn my lesson.”

“That’s bullshit! How could he get mad at you for that?” Jared said, startling an elderly couple who had been staring rather intently at the menu for the restaurant behind him. With a huff, the elderly couple left. Jared shrugged and turned back to Colette, who was staring at him with amusement.

“Because Michel was already kicking the guy out, but I ‘tripped’ and threw my tray at him?” She smiled coyly and looked at Jared from under her lashes, something that shouldn’t have been physically possible given her height. Jared laughed and gave her a high five. “Well, it was nice to see you Jared, but I should go finish handing these out before Luca comes out to see what’s taking me so long.” With a wave, she turned and melted into the crowd walking towards Boulevard de Clichy and the Moulin Rouge.

Reaching into his coat’s inner pocket for a cigarette, he lights it with his Zippo and looks around at the people walking down the street. He’d come to love this neighborhood and was disappointed that his time in Paris would be coming to a close in a few months. He’d lived in Paris for almost a year during his internship, and had caught himself several times thinking of ways he might be able to stay. When he’d started working at the club a few nights a week, he’d been worried that his boss or other co-workers would find out what he was doing for extra cash on the side. Luckily for Jared, his boss at the firm was a straight-laced Catholic who’d never be caught dead in a place like Les Maquereaux, no matter how popular a place it might have been.

Standing outside smoking a cigarette before going in to say hi to the girls, he looks around at the people walking down the street and the bars and cafes opening for the evening. It was early, but the foot traffic on the sidewalk promised a busy night of tourists coming in for a thrill they could tell friends back home about. He wasn’t scheduled to work that night but figured stopping in to say hi would be appreciated before he continued on to the party and finding his lay of the night. 

His eyes caught on a group of soldiers standing on the sidewalk, elbowing each other and laughing about the posters in front of Les Maquereaux. Jared idly wondered if Jensen was among the group, catching himself as he so often did when he saw American soldiers of any kind while in Paris. He hadn’t seen him in two years, hadn’t spoken to him in four, but still had an ache in his chest that never really went away. Shaking his head at the maudlin thoughts, he took one last drag and stubbed his cigarette out on the sidewalk before turning and entering the side door of the club marked “STAFF ONLY.”

After walking down a short hallway and opening the staff door to the main floor, Jared took in the crowd filling the large room, already a decent size despite the early hour. Decorated in primarily black and silver, it was glamorous and sleek and modern, yet still somehow warm and inviting. There were pops of red throughout the room highlighting various areas such as the leather of the VIP booths and the velvet curtains lining one side of the room. Rather than looking garish, the red only heightened sensual feeling the club inspired and cemented the aura of being a beautiful place filled with beautiful people. 

The rock song that had been playing switched to something more electronic and Jared looked up to see his friend Dmitri manning the DJ booth. He waved and made his way through the room, gently nudging clusters of people aside when they were in his path. Jared climbed the stairs to the platform and quickly removed his coat due to the heat in the booth. The DJ was listening intently to something on his headphones, so Jared took a closer look at the crowd while he patiently waited for his friend to be done. 

“Hey, look who’s here!” Dmitri shouted, taking his headphones off and extending a hand for Jared to shake, then pulled him into a one-armed hug. “I didn’t see you on the schedule tonight. This is a nice surprise!” His spiky brown hair had streaks of blue through it, matching his eyes perfectly. Shorter than Jared, Dmitri still had a presence that made him seem larger than life.

“Mish, darling! You know I couldn’t stay away from you for long. I’d miss you too much!” Jared said, batting his eyes and placing doing his best southern belle impression.

“Oh, Jared. Were I unmarried, I would take thee in a manly fashion,” Dmitri said, feigning a courtly bow.

“Because I’m pretty?” Jared asked, continuing to flutter his eyelashes in a mildly horrifying way.

“Because you’re pretty,” Dmitri agreed, turning to punch a few buttons on his control panel before the next performer made her way onto the stage.

Jared watched the dancer for a few minutes before turning to look at the crowd that had gathered near the front entrance, and that’s when he saw Jensen walk through the door of the club with three friends in tow, eyes wide as they take in the room. Time seemed to slow as he took in Jensen’s more confident stance, aided in no doubt by the new muscle, visible under even his olive green coat and jeans. He quickly tugged on Dmitri’s t-shirt, gesturing to the group who’d just walked in. “Mish, do me a favor?” 

Glancing to where Jared had pointed, Dmitri raised an eyebrow. “You’ve worked here for six months, Jared, and you’ve never put on a show for me. What gives?”

Searching his pockets, Jared pulled out a piece of paper and snatched a pen from Dmitri’s control panel. He scribbled down a set list for the DJ to play and handed it to Dmitri, putting on his best puppy eyes. Dmitri just smiled at him knowingly and slid his headphones on, already getting to work on the mix.

Jared made his way down the stairs carefully, hiding behind the heavy curtains that lined the walls of the room and acted as an easy way for the dancers to get to different parts of the area without being noticed. After ducking backstage, he ran to the dressing room to find Genevieve, the French girl he’d befriended almost immediately after starting work at LesMac. 

He found her sitting in front of her dressing mirror, carefully applying eyeliner. He waited impatiently, knowing from experience how painful it could be to be startled mid-application. Finally, she gave herself a critical once over and, after adjusting the ties holding her wavy brown hair in place, turned to face Jared.

“Jared, bon soir! How are you tonight?” She asked, standing to hug him quickly before turning to the mirror to put on her earrings. Her dark brown eyes, lined in kohl, looked almost black in the dressing table lights but sparkled with mischief.

“Gen, he’s here,” Jared exclaimed, gesturing nervously.

“Who is here, Jared? This is a gentleman’s club, you need to be more specific,” she said, taking in his flushed face and frantic expression.

“Jensen. He’s here, and I’m freaking out, and I don’t know what to do.”

“Jensen? The boy who broke your heart in America? Why do you care, Jared? You have had many sex friends since you came to Paris.”

“Not that many,” Jared muttered petulantly. Genevieve ignored him and continued.

“Why is this so important to you?”

“Maybe I need him to see who I am now. If nothing else, it’ll give him a good eyeful of what he’s missing out on, right? Please, Gen. I really need you to help me with this.” Jared asked, getting down on one knee and giving her his best puppy eyes.

“Jared, are you sure about this? What if he’s not out to his friends? What if they’re raging American homophobes?” Gen brushed a lock of hair from his forehead, staring at him intently. "I’m worried about you getting hurt by him, Jared. Again."

“I know, I know. It’s just… They’re already here, they’re sitting down, it looks like they’re going to stay a while. If you bring them drinks and the girls distract his friends while I’m on stage, maybe I’ll get a chance to talk to him later.”

Genevieve made a face, seeming to mull it over, and made one of her quintessential Gallic shrugs. “I think we could do that for you, Jared. Lord knows you’ve bounced enough guys for us to do something for you in return. Just… Be careful, Jared. It’s been four years. You don’t know how much he’s changed.”

Jared promised to be careful and rushed to the changing room to oil himself down with his favorite oil and do his makeup. Finally, he put his costume on and walked down another hallway, this time to the side of the stage, waiting for the current set to be over and for his name to be called. Taking a peek from behind the curtain, he saw Jensen sitting at one of the tables nearest the stage, looking bored while his friends cheered the girls on stage. “Well, here goes nothing,” he thought as Dmitri called out his stage name and he stalked out onto the stage.

# 

Jensen, on leave with a few of his friends, eyed the club warily; he was currently based in Germany, and some of the guys had wanted to take the TGV to Paris for a week. They’d wandered around the city, seeing all the typical tourist sights before one of them was handed a flyer for a live nudes show up on the hill. They ended up in the Red District in Montmartre after dinner, and despite being unable to find the club they’d originally come for, they were in high spirits and looking for a good time. They stopped to look at the girls dancing in the windows as they were walking by, and Mike, Tom, and Justin decided to go in. 

Jensen stayed outside to finish his cigarette and saw a tall figure standing down the street smoking as well. Jensen stepped closer to get a better look at the obviously hot guy under the guise of throwing the cigarette butt in the garbage, hoping to flirt a bit before his buddies came back outside. The man finished and entered the building through a side door before Jensen could make his way over, however, so Jensen shrugged and figured he’d missed his chance.

Jensen put his cigarette out and headed inside, finding his friends and sitting down at their table near the stage just as another group of girls took the stage. Jensen was amused to see that was a more artistic version of the Pussycat Dolls show he and the guys saw in Vegas and settled in for a night of fun with his friends. They moved in a well-choreographed dance to Lenny Kravitz’s cover of “American Woman,” and Jensen found himself nodding his head to the beat while ordering his round of shots and beers for the table.

After a few more sets of the girls dancing to American rock and rap songs, they made their way to the floor to do lap dances and were immediately flagged over by Jensen’s buddies. In the sudden silence, the emcee announced that Le Cowboy was up next, and the crowd cheered loudly. Tom looked quizzically at Jensen, who shrugged and took his shot before waving the waitress over again. The house lights dimmed dramatically, and a loud sort of thrumming static started pouring from the speakers, intermixed with a bass beat Jensen could feel in his chest and strobe lights that almost blinded him.

When the strobe lights stopped abruptly, there was a man standing in the middle of the stage illuminated by a single light. He was casually leaning up against the pole at the back of the stage, looking for all the world like a statue made from someone’s very kinky wet dream. Ginuwine’s “Pony” started playing, intercut with static and white noise like a radio set to the wrong station. Much to the delight of the patrons, the dancer started dancing with the short bursts of music, stopping as soon as the static started. As the static faded and the bass beat started in earnest, he started slowly undulating his hips before tipping his cowboy hat up to reveal a Lone Ranger-style mask covering the upper half of his face, and a smirk that never left his face as he removed his cowboy hat and put it on the head of a tiny brunette walking past with a tray of drinks. She tipped the hat and continued on to the VIP section of the club. 

Le Cowboy continued undulating his hips, slowly removing his vest and tossing it into the crowd. He began to walk down the stage, stopping occasionally to roll his hips in a way that made Jensen’s mouth water. The v-cut of the man’s hips was clearly visible above the slow-slung leather pants he was wearing, and Jensen found himself gripping the sides of his chair, almost desperately wanting to lick one of the cuts and taste the man’s sweat. Jensen found himself suddenly, desperately wishing his friends weren’t at the table with him, were anywhere but a smoky club three thousand miles from home. Glancing away from the dancer on stage, Jensen was happy to notice that none of his friends were annoyed about the change of dancers; if anything, they were using it as an excuse to get lap dances from the passing girls or order more drinks. None of them were paying attention to Jensen, so he turned his attention back to the dancer on stage.

The music changed to Ludacris’s “What’s Your Fantasy,” and Le Cowboy’s dancing got even dirtier, something Jensen hadn’t thought was possible. The masked man turned and slowly turned his back on the club before shaking his hips side to side, popping his ass to the beat and holding his hands above his head. He turned and dropped to his knees, popping his hips up to the beat and biting his lip before once again standing. Jensen’s eyes met with the dancer’s, and he was struck by the multicolored hue he’d seen somewhere before. The stranger seemed to stumble for a moment, making eye contact with Jensen and pushing his hair out of his face in a disturbingly familiar gesture. He quickly regained his composure, though, and removed his holster from his waist before walking back to the pole, his hips swaying to the beat. 

He reached as high as he could with his left arm, the muscles in his back rippling as he swayed once around the pole. At the end of the circuit, he removed the chaps he'd been wearing, leaving him in tight black shorts. Snapping his hips sharply to the beat a few times, the dancer then lifted himself up onto the pole, spinning with his left arm and leg wrapped around the pole before releasing his left hand and writhing against the pole on his way down to the stage, still spinning as he went. 

Once he reached the floor of the stage he ground against the pole for a moment, the muscles of his abs gleaming from sweat and the almond oil Jensen caught a faint whiff of when the dancer had passed in front of him. He rolled onto his knees and elbows gracefully, rolling his spine before dropping his hips to the stage. He thrust a few times, rolling his spine and hips fluidly and making Jensen's mouth go dry at the way his back muscles roiled beneath his skin. The music abruptly changed again, this time to Marilyn Manson’s “Tainted Love,” and Jensen groaned under his breath as his pants got even tighter, watching the man move and listening to the harsh thrum of the guitar and drums.

The man began to crawl towards the end of the stage again, making it to the edge before sitting up and leaning back, grinding up against an imaginary partner. He bit his lip, and suddenly Jensen was narrowing his eyes, trying to catch a glimpse of the dancer's face. There was no way... The dancer brushed his hair out of his eyes again, and made eye contact with Jensen, winking before leaning further and laying on his back, continuing to thrust up with increasingly hard rolls of his hips. He rolled over and stood, turning to walk back to the pole. He reached up with his right hand and climbed a few feet into the air and spun around the pole a few times dipping lower and lower as he went. When he reached the stage floor again, straddling the pole with his head thrown back, the music stopped and the man froze, breathing heavily. Turning to look directly at Jensen, he smiled widely, and Jensen would have recognized those dimples anywhere. 

# 

The music stopped, and with a flourish Jared stood up to bow and leave the stage, picking up euro notes as he went. The world was silent except for a dull roar, a sound he distantly recognized through the adrenaline rush as the noise of the crowd cheering for him. Backstage, he peeked through the curtain and saw Jensen still sitting in his chair with a dumbstruck expression on his face while his friends laugh and clap. One reached over and tapped Jensen’s shoulder, trying to get his attention while shouting something loudly. Jensen shook his head, then laughed. Jared couldn’t read Jensen’s lips from where he was standing, but the friend raised his eyebrows and gestured toward the stage, obviously asking a question. Jensen shrugged and smiled, rubbing the back of his neck in a nervous gesture. The friend then laughed, clapping Jensen on the back and gesturing to one of the waitresses walking past, obviously ordering more drinks for the table. 

Jared made his way back to the dressing room, stripping out of his sweaty black shorts and switching into a clean pair just as Genevieve walked through the door.

“What the hell was that, Jared? You were amazing!”

“Unresolved sexual tension? I don’t know what came over me, Gen.”

“Well, whatever it was, you were great. How much did you get,” she asked, separating his euro notes into stacks and helping him count while he touched up his eyeliner.

“I have no idea. I just grabbed what I could without falling on my face and got the hell off the stage.”

“Merde, Jared- There is almost a thousand euro here! From a 15-minute set! What the fuck?” She squeaked, the English expletives made softer and somehow less offensive by the French accent he still found beautiful despite the year he’d lived in Paris.

“Keep it, Gen. I wasn’t scheduled to work tonight, and I took stage time away from you and the other girls. It’s only fair.”

“Jared Padalecki, you made this money and you’re keeping it. The boys at that table tipped us all extremely well, and so did the rest of the bar while you were up there.” Jared smiled his thanks and opened his locker to put the money in his coat pocket. He turned to Gen, pausing for a moment before speaking. “Gen… he recognized me. I’m sure of it.”

“Well Jared, what did you think would happen? Even with the Lone Ranger mask, did you really think he would not recognize you? I’d know those dimples anywhere!”

“I know, I know. Listen, do you know if any of the private rooms are free?” Jared asked, biting his lip nervously.

“You are not thinking of doing what I think you are. Jared!” Genevieve stomped a tiny foot. “Please tell me you’re not.”

“What is Jared not doing, mon coeur?” Colette asked, walking in through the side door and giving Gen a kiss.

“This… This salope is thinking of giving his Jensen a private show.”

“Quoi? Jensen? As in, the Jensen that broke your heart?” Colette asked, staring at Jared sternly.

“Yes?” Jared sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I know it sounds crazy, I do. But it’s like you said earlier, Gen. I don’t know why he took off and never said goodbye, but at least I can show him what he’s been missing out on? Right?”

Gen frowned. “There is a difference between a stage routine and a private show, Jared. You know that.”

“On the other hand,” Colette mused, putting an index finger to her full lower lip while staring at Jared thoughtfully. “Who says revenge lap dances can’t be a thing?”

# 

A half hour later, Tom was talking about heading up the street to another bar, since it seemed like most of the dancers were on break and nothing would be happening on the stage for a while. Mike and Justin agreed, suggesting they could maybe find that full nude show they’d originally come in search of. Jensen was growing increasingly desperate; the man he’d thought he’d recognized as Jared never came back out to walk the floor as the girls had done after their sets. He ripped his cocktail napkin into tiny pieces, staring at his hands and struggling to regain composure after seeing what he thought was Jared after so long. 

He looked up to see Mike staring at him again while Tom and Justin flirted with their waitress. “Something on your mind, Jensen?”

“No, sorry. Just tired, I guess.”

“And that wouldn’t have anything to do with the tall drink of water that just left the stage on fire, would it?” Mike wiggled his eyebrows, and for a moment, Jensen was afraid that Mike had found out and would tell everyone his secret. Until, that was, he made eye contact with Mike and saw the sympathetic look in his eyes.

“And if it was?” He asked cautiously, unsure of where this was headed.

“Well, I could always tell the guys you wanted to stay behind and flirt with some pretty young thing that caught your eye. Wouldn’t exactly be lying, would it?” Mike leaned over, pretending to be reaching for his drink on the table in front of them.

“You’d do that? Really?” He’d known that there was something brewing between Mike and Tom, but also knew for certain that nothing would happen between them until they were both discharged. With DADT still in effect, it was just too much to risk being caught.

“I think something might be able to be arranged. Assuming, that is, that you help me out sometime in the future when I need it.” Mike stared at him, then shifted his eyes to where Tom was sitting, throwing his head back and laughing about something Justin had said. He looked back at Jensen, raising an eyebrow. Jensen nodded, and Mike smiled. “Hey guys, what was that about hitting up another bar?”

There were sounds of agreement from the other two, so they decided to take off after the current act was done and they’d finished their drinks. Sitting there and sweating nervously, Jensen looked up every time the door beside the stage opened, but Jared never walked out.

Finally, just as he'd reluctantly stood to shrug into his coat, tossing several Euro notes on the table to cover his tab, he looked up to see Jared talking to the bartender. He watched as the man behind the counter leaned forward to whisper something to Jared, gesturing towards Jensen's table. Jared tipped back his head and laughed, shaking his head before turning to stare back at Jensen. Jensen’s face grew hot, realizing that the two were probably laughing at him for being so obvious in his interest. His heart sunk, and he turned to follow his friends who were already out the door and smoking outside, waiting for him before they move on for the night. 

Jensen was almost to the door before he felt a hand grab his arm, and he turned quickly, easing into a defensive stance before he saw in the dim lighting that the giant holding his hands up in a peaceful gesture was Jared. They were standing under a small ceiling fan in the entrance way, and the smell of almond oil in the air made him suddenly, blindingly hard. 

"Jensen, leaving so soon?" Jared asks almost playfully, but Jensen recognized the challenge for what it was all the same. 

“Yeah, my buddies wanna take off, go see another show. It was nice to see you again, Jared.” Jensen turned again to leave, but the hand on his arm didn’t let go.

“You sure I can’t convince you to stay a little longer? Maybe for something a little more… Private?” There was no mistaking the invitation in Jared’s voice, and Jensen paused a moment, trying to decide how to respond.

“I thought there was no sex in the champagne room?” He asked, trying to make sure he wasn’t misunderstanding Jared’s offer. He looked everywhere but at the wall of muscle in front of him, futilely trying not to remember how well Jared had held him down once upon a time. A part of him wanted to see if he’d be even better at it now, but the rest of him knew how disastrous that would be.

“Oh, there isn’t. Not here, at least. Maybe at a club further up the hill. What I’m offering will be just as good though, I promise.” Jared moved closer, causing Jensen to have to tilt his head back in order to look Jared in the eyes. He couldn’t hide a gasp; Jared’s gaze was downright predatory, the hazel almost completely eaten by the pupil. Lined in kohl, Jared's eyes looked exotic and predatory, and Jensen was rapidly losing whatever resolve he’d had to leave.

Nodding once, Jensen jerked his head towards the door. “Let me tell Mike that I’ll catch up with him later, and I’ll be right back?”

“Yeah. Come find me at the bar when you’re ready.” Jared turned and walked back into the club, leaving Jensen trembling in the entryway and wondering what the hell he just agreed to.

After checking in with Mike and letting him know he’d meet up with him later, winking to let him know he appreciated what he was doing, he stepped to the side of the building and lit a cigarette, fingers shaking slightly. It had been months since he’d allowed himself to feel the itch and years since he’d followed through with seeking out what he needed. The last time, in fact, had been that night with Jared, the night before he reported for duty. He knew that was where they were headed if he went back into the club and followed Jared to one of the private rooms. The question was, would Jared still want to play the same games Jensen enjoyed? Realizing it was the only way to find out, Jensen dropped the cigarette and stubbed it out with the toe of his boot before turning and walking back into the club.

He found Jared standing at the bar, talking with the same bartender from earlier. The club had gotten crowded again, and the girls were back on stage dancing to Timbaland’s “Give It To Me.” The crowd was cheering as the girls moved in sync to a complicated dance routine, moving as one to the beat.

“You came back.” Jared raised an eyebrow. “You sure you’re okay with this?”

“Would I be standing here if I wasn’t?” Jensen shot back, trying not to look as terrified as he felt. Jared stared at him hard for a moment, then seemed to come to a decision and shrugged.

“Follow me.” Jared turned and walked along the fabric curtain along the edge of the room before pulling a panel aside to reveal a door with a red number 8 on it. 

Jensen followed Jared into the room with a weird sense of anticipation and dread, knowing he owed Jared an explanation of what had happened four years prior, but unsure of when or even how to start that particular conversation. 

Jared locked the door, and turned to the wall and flipped a switch. A red light came on above the door, and at Jensen’s questioning glance Jared shrugged. “It’s a required safety feature for the girls. A light comes on outside to let the bouncers know the room is occupied, but don’t worry. The door is locked, so no one will come in.” Moving to a stereo set into the wall, Jared motions for Jensen to take a seat on the chair in the center of the room. 

Jensen complied and was surprised to hear the beginning notes of "When the Levee Breaks” start to thrum from the speakers with bass added to the beat, so heavy his chest almost ached with each thump of the speakers. Jared swayed his hips a bit, clearly getting into the rhythm before turning back to face Jensen with a now-familiar predatory expression on his face. Jared stalked to where Jensen was seated, every move almost unnatural in its fluidity, and Jensen wondered where the clumsy kid he used to know had gone. 

Jared straddled Jensen’s lap with his back against Jensen’s chest, putting his arms around his neck and leaning in close as his hips ground down hard. As he twisted his body to the music, he threw his head back and whispered in Jensen's ear. “You know, when I started working here six months ago, this was the first song I learned to dance do.”

“Yeah? And why is that?” Jensen panted, gripping the seat of the chair so tightly that he was beginning to lose feeling in his fingers.

“Well, my internship here is only for a year, and after that, I’m going back to Chicago.” He bites Jensen's ear, then soothes it with a kiss, never stopping the motion of his hips. “I figured, I might run into you back there. And, if I did, I wanted to show you what you passed up.” He bites the cord of muscle in Jensen’s neck hard, and Jensen groaned and thrust up against Jared, unsure of French protocol regarding strip clubs and whether or not he was allowed to touch Jared. The problem was solved when Jared ground down on him again, even filthier this time, grabbing Jensen's hands from where they were clinging to the chair and placing them on his hips. 

“I thought about you, I did. Jerked off to that night so many times that I started to think I was making it better than it had been.” Jensen took a deep breath and closed his eyes, struggling to maintain some sort of control and failing miserably.

“And now?” Jared asks, face flushed and sweat dripping from the tips of his hair onto his shoulders. Releasing Jensen's hands, Jared reached up and grabbed a handful of Jensen's hair, tugging in time with the music and his grinding. The moan that comes out of Jensen's mouth was filthy, needy, and Jared hummed in reply. Jared smelled like sugar and sweat and almonds, and it made Jensen's mouth water. He found himself licking a long stripe up Jared's neck, pausing to nibble and soothe it with kisses before starting on the other side. 

“I’m starting to remember the finer points again,” Jensen said, licking his lips pornographically.

"Jensen," Jared moaned, his hips fluttering as he stared at Jensen’s mouth. Jensen wanted to reply, wanted to say something, anything, but then the song ended and they both paused in the sudden stillness, the only sound their heavy breathing. Jared stood up on obviously shaky legs and walked to the corner of the room, where he pulled on a robe and then stood still, facing away from Jensen. Jensen could tell when Jared's walls come back up- His shoulders straightened, he pulled himself up to his full height (and Jesus, when did he get so tall?), and turned to face Jensen with his cocky smile back in place. He opened his mouth to say something, but Jensen quickly interrupted.

"Go out for a coffee with me,” he blurted, suddenly desperate to spend more time with Jared. 

Jared's smile changed, became even more impersonal somehow. "Sorry, Jen. I'm not allowed to date customers. And besides, I don't think that's such a great idea." Jensen flushed at the nickname, at the memory of it being whispered under different circumstances. 

"Please, Jared. I owe you an explanation, at the least."

"I don't want an explanation, Jensen. Maybe four years ago, sure, but not now. Not when I’ve finally…” Jared stopped abruptly, breathing hard and clenching his fists. 

“Jared, please. I know you don’t owe me a thing, but please just give me a chance to make this right.” Jensen reached out his hands in a pleading gesture, Jared stared as though they might bite him. He looks young, Jensen realizes, far too young to be dancing in a place like this, so very far from home. 

Jared smiled tremulously and looked up at Jensen through his bangs. “Just coffee, right? That’s all you want?” Jensen nodded, still holding out his hand and trying to figure out what was going through Jared’s mind. Jared sighs and takes Jensen’s outstretched hand in his, shaking it. “Just… Don’t make me regret this, okay?” 

“I’ll do my best, you have my word.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” Jared mutters, and Jensen ignored it, as he was pretty sure he wasn’t meant to hear it. 

He cleared his throat, suddenly feeling awkward. “So, should I come back once your shift’s done? What time are you off?”

“See, uh… That’s the thing. I was never technically scheduled tonight.”

“But you were just on stage a half-hour ago!”

“I wasn’t on the schedule tonight. I stopped by to say hi to the girls, but then I saw you out in the audience and, well…I couldn’t pass up the chance to see you.” He laughed nervously, running a hand through his sweat-dampened hair and grimacing at the gross feeling of the clammy strands. 

Jensen laughed, both at Jared’s expression and his explanation. “That, and you apparently couldn't pass up the chance to show me what I’ve been missing out on, right?” Jensen offered, rubbing his hand on the back of his neck shyly. 

Jared raised an eyebrow. “Your friends won’t care that you’re going to be spending time with a male stripper?” He asked wryly, gathering his things from the room.

“Naw. To be honest, I don’t think they were paying that much attention while you were on. At least, not with all your friends keeping them company.”

Jared barked out a laugh at that, his dimples causing Jensen’s stomach to flutter. “They were bored, and your friends are hot. It wasn’t too hard to convince them to distract your friends for me.” Jensen laughed, realizing how easily Jared had played him tonight. “So, shall we?” Jared asked, nodding toward the door. 

Jensen nodded, and he and Jared left the room. Jared went to the locker room to shower and change while Jensen took a seat at the bar to wait for him. Waving down the bartender, he ordered a scotch neat and turned on his stool to watch the dancers on stage. Taking a sip, he was startled by a petite brunette tapping him on the shoulder. 

“Can I help you?” Jensen asked, taking in the flush high on her cheeks and the way she was staring at him with disgust, as though he was something disgusting she’d stepped in.

“You are Jensen, oui?” She asked, tilting her head and gesturing toward him with a tiny hand. “You are Jared’s friend, from Chicago?”

“I am. And you are?” Jensen probed, suddenly worried she was going to tell him Jared wouldn’t be coming back out to meet up with him as they’d planned. 

“Please don’t hurt him again, Jensen.” She glanced over her shoulder, long brown hair cascading in a wave as she turned her head. Jared was walking through the room towards them, and from the slightly terrified expression on Jared’s face Jensen realized that the woman was there entirely on her own.

“Jared’s a big boy. He can handle himself, don’t you think?” He asked, irritated. He opened his mouth to ask who she was again, but she turned and walked away just before Jared reached his side.

“Ah, sorry about Gen. She’s a bit overprotective.” Jared blushed, staring down at his feet. “So, ready to go?”

Jensen downed the rest of his scotch and set the glass down on the bar. “Lead the way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Set-Up Soundtrack 
> 
> 1\. Tomber La Chemise - Zebda 2\. R U Mine – Arctic Monkeys 3\. In The Shadows – The Rasmus 4\. Sway – Blue October 5\. Wildfire – John Mayer 6\. Night Drive – Jimmy Eat World 7\. Passenger – Deftones 8\. 6 Underground – Sneaker Pimps 9\. Do I Wanna Know – Arctic Monkeys 10\. Stellar - Incubus 11\. You’ve Got So Far To Go – Alkaline Trio 12\. Tonight, Tonight – Smashing Pumpkins 
> 
> [The Set-Up on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/user/1221018653/playlist/4iUJuXY9aupc5WiMFdO5PY)


	4. Oh, What A Night!

# 

# 

Stepping out into the cool night air, both men stopped to light cigarettes before they continued down Rue Lepic. Jared paused so Jensen could get a picture of the Café de Deux Moulins, the tiny café from the movie Amelie that was located right across the street from the entrance to the club. At Boulevard de Clichy, Jared waved his hand, indicating they were to cross the main street and continue down Rue Blanche. They walked in silence for a bit before Jared spoke.

“You should see this neighborhood in the daytime.”

“Lots of tourists, I’d imagine,” Jensen turned and walked backward for a moment, gesturing towards the still brightly-lit Moulin Rouge behind them.

“Oh, like you wouldn’t believe. I think they all leave a bit disappointed, though. They all expect this lurid red-light district, which I guess it is, but it’s classy all the same.” Jared chuckled, running a hand through his hair. “What did you think?”

“Sacré Coeur is beautiful at night, for sure. Hey, how far is the Louvre from here? My momma’d kill me if I left without seeing it.”

“Three kilometers, maybe? I’ll take you there, if you’d like.”

“Are you sure? I don’t know how out of the way it is from your place.” Jensen paused, stopping to look in a darkened store window that advertised men’s clothing.

“Only a few blocks, actually. The café isn’t too far from there, either.” Jared leaned in to get a better look at a coat in the window before looking at Jensen from the corner of his eye. He’d stared at him for most of his set, but hadn’t gotten the chance to really look while they were at the club. Now, in the soft lighting of the street lights, Jared was able to stare his fill.

Jensen’s hair, longer while he’d lived in Chicago, had been buzzed short and left slightly longer on top, long enough to pull into short spikes. His hands tingled with the memory of its velvety softness, and in the streetlights it looked almost auburn instead of its usual blond. He seemed taller as well, and he now carried himself with a sense of purpose. 

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” Jensen said, chuckling. Jared realized that he’d turned to lean against the window at some point, and was now openly staring at Jensen. He laughed, shaking his head, and started walking again down the sidewalk.

“Dude, how tall are you now?” Jensen asked, nudging Jared with his shoulder as they side-stepped a group of girls walking past them in short dresses and incredibly high heels. The girls all stared as they walked past, but Jared seemed to not notice.

“6 foot 4 inches,” he replied, proudly. “My brother still calls me shorty, though.”

Jensen laughed, remembering the brothers fighting good-naturedly whenever he came over to study with Jeff. “Yeah, he’s gotta be what, 6 foot 6 now?”

“6 foot seven,” Jared said petulantly, “and he never lets me forget it.”

They continued to walk down Rue Blanche, stopping so Jensen could get a picture of the Église de la Sainte-Trinité before turning left and continuing down the Rue de la Chausée-d’Antin. They pass the Galeries Lafayette Haussmann, and Jensen gleefully takes a picture of the Paris Apple Store for his sister as they walk down the Rue Halévy. At the Palais Garnier, Jensen poses in front so Jared can take a picture of him standing in front of the music hall, then insists they get one of the two of them taken by someone walking past. They cross onto the Place de l’Opéra and continue walking, Jared pointing out the Godiva store while Jensen snaps pictures of the apartment buildings and cars that line the streets. 

They chatted along the way, the conversation light and focused on catching the other up on their lives since they saw each other last. Both somehow came to the silent agreement that the night in Downers Grove was never brought up, and Jensen found himself relaxing into the flow of banter between the two of them. He learned about Jared’s new favorite bands, the friends he’d made while going to school in Chicago, and the friends he’d be sad to leave behind when he left Paris in a few short months. 

Jensen was surprised to learn that Jared had met Gen through his job; she was his boss’s daughter, and they’d been set up on a blind date a few months into Jared’s internship. Although the date hadn’t worked out, they’d become fast friends and Gen had introduced Jared to Colette and Dmitri one night at a club. One night, after hearing what her father was paying Jared for his work, she’d dragged him to LesMac and the rest was history.

Jared heard stories of Jensen’s weeks in boot camp, and laughed when he heard how Mike and Tom had taken Jensen under their wings when he’d first been deployed to Afghanistan. Jensen was careful not to mention any of the times he’d seen combat, focusing only on the funny stories he had to offer. Jared finds himself simultaneously happy that Jensen had made such great friends in his unit, and sad that there were clearly long periods of time missing from Jensen’s stories.

Turning right onto Rue de Rohan, Jensen stopped to buy roasted chestnuts from a street vendor and insisted on sharing them with Jared. Munching on the crunchy treat, they stopped for a moment at the corner while Jensen looked around at the night carnival-like scene around them. 

“How much farther, do you think?” Jensen asked, taking a swig from the flask in his pocket before passing it to Jared.

“Just through that walkway, there.” Jared gestured to the entryway across the Rue de Rivoli. “Wanna start heading that way? Everything should be lit up.”

“Yeah, let’s go. I’ll take some pictures for my mom, and then we can get that coffee I promised you,” Jensen said, finishing the last of the chestnuts and throwing the napkins in the trash. 

They crossed the street and walked through the underpass; once they got to the other side, Jensen stopped abruptly and Jared had to quickly side-step in order to avoid running into him. He turned to see what had caught Jensen’s attention, and saw the splendor of the palace lit up at night, the glass pyramid to their left and the Arc de Triomphe du Carrousel on their right. Jared tentatively put a hand on Jensen’s shoulder, nudging him out of the way of the other pedestrians. He guided them to a space just inside the courtyard, and Jensen leaned against the wall while playing with the settings on his phone camera.

“I knew it was going to be beautiful, but Jesus,” he was muttering to himself. Jared laughed and leaned up against the wall as well, remembering his first week in Paris and his embarrassing habit of looking up everywhere he went, afraid to miss anything. Living in Paris for almost a year had taken some of the shine from the city, but he was still very much aware of how breathtakingly beautiful everything could be. Especially, he mused, to someone more used to steel and glass skyscrapers.

They wandered around the park for a bit, Jensen taking pictures of anything and everything that caught his eye. Jared faithfully played the role of tour guide, explaining to Jensen the history of the Louvre and the surrounding gardens. Jensen once again insisted on getting a picture of them together, and Jared couldn’t help but feel like a couple out on a date. 

“I can’t believe how many people are still out and walking around. It’s 2 in the morning! Is this normal?” Jensen asked, looking around at the groups still leisurely walking through the area and the cabs circling the area looking for fares.

“Oh, definitely. Most Parisians don’t even eat dinner before 8 in the evening, and then go out with friends before going home for the night. I always tell myself that on my nights out I’m going to make an early night, get some sleep and actually take care of myself. But then Gen or Colette or Dmitri calls, and I end up at some bar or café until 4 in the morning, debating the American judicial system with three French law students.” Jared chuckled, ducking his head. “Life here is crazy, Jen, especially on the weekends.”

“Sounds like it.” Jensen said, smiling fondly at Jared. There was a curl of hair that had escaped the low ponytail at the nape of Jared’s neck, and Jensen’s fingers itched to brush it behind Jared’s ear. Instead, he cleared his throat and looked away. “So, I think I’m done here, since my phone is warning me that I’m low on memory. How about we get that coffee now?”

“Oh, right. Yeah, we should do it. Get coffee, I mean. Oh, fuck.” Jared blushed, and Jensen couldn’t help but notice the way his dimples came out when he smiled. “Yeah, let’s go.”

# 

They turned and made their way back through the passage and onto Rue de Rohan, Jared excitedly talking about some street performer he’d seen earlier in the week and gesturing with his hands the whole time. At one point, he almost hit someone in the face as they turned right onto Rue Saint Honoré. Apologizing profusely in both English and French, Jared looked for all the world like a kicked puppy as the elderly woman yelled at him before they continued on their way to the café across the street.

Sitting down at one of the café tables outside, Jensen shrugged out of his coat and set it down on the chair next to him. Jared followed suit, and the two sat for a moment before the waiter appeared.

“Bon soir. Vous dèsirez?”

Jared glanced at Jensen, who shrugged. “Just fuck me up.”

Jared laughed, and the waiter gave them a strange look. Clearing his throat, Jared ordered. “Deux cafés, deux Badoit et deux crème brûlée, s'il vous plaît.”

“Bien sur.” The waiter walked away to enter the order, and Jared reached over to the end of the table and grabbed an ashtray. Reaching into his coat pocket, he pulled out a pack of Gitanes and a lighter. He offered one to Jensen, who offered him a Marlboro Red in return. They both light up their cigarettes after the waiter returns with their espressos and water, and Jensen sighed in contentment, closing his eyes for a moment under the heat lamps. 

“So, how are you liking it here?” Jensen asked, sipping his espresso and making a positively pornographic noise before blushing and putting the demitasse cup back on its saucer. He picked up his spoon and cracked the top of the crème brûlée, taking a tentative bite before raising his eyebrows in surprise. “Dude, this is amazing!” He took another sip of the espresso, then continued to eat his dessert.

Jared shrugged, staring at a group of people walking through the park across from the café before turning back to face Jensen. “I love it. Given the chance, I’d stay here, I think. But my internship is up in a few months, and after that I’ll be heading back to Chicago to finish up my degree at U of C.”

“You don’t think your boss here will hire you on after you graduate?” Jensen asked, licking a fingertip and dipping it into the grains of sugar on his saucer. Sucking the finger clean, he glanced up to see Jared staring at him intently, that same heated look from before back on his face. 

“No,” Jared said distractedly, then shook his head. “I might be able to get work with another firm somewhere in the city, but the one I’m working at now isn’t very… progressive in the kind of employees they have working there.”

“That sucks. Maybe you’ll be able to find something in Chicago that will let you move back here, eventually.” Jensen tapped his cigarette on the ashtray and folded his hands on the table, leaning forward slightly in his chair. “Unless you want to try somewhere else next?”

“Yeah. I don’t know, maybe. There are a lot of things I miss about Chicago, too.” Jared said, finishing the last of his crème brûlée and setting the dish aside.

“Oh, yeah? Like what?” Jensen prodded, sipping the last of his espresso.

“Deep dish pizza, for one. Italian beef, too.” 

“Figures it’d be all about food for you,” Jensen teased. “You always were a bottomless pit.”

“Hey, I’m a growing boy!” Jared protested with a laugh. 

Jensen smirked and trailed his finger through the sugar again, making sure to watch Jared’s dark hazel eyes follow his finger as he popped the digit in his mouth and sucked. “I noticed.”

Jared didn’t respond for a moment, and when he did it wasn’t at all what Jensen was expecting to hear. “Why weren’t you there that night?”

“You know why. I had to leave for boot the next day.” Jensen replied nervously, playing with the demitasse on its saucer.

“I mean, I knew that. I know why. I just…What I don’t get is why you didn’t just tell me you were leaving the next day? Why didn’t you tell anyone?” Jared stared at Jensen hard, eyes roaming over Jensen’s face. 

Jensen shrugged. “I’m no good with goodbyes, and I didn’t to admit that it could be final.”

“I get that, I do. But how do I know that tonight is going to be any different? How do I know you’re going to stick around long enough to say goodbye before you disappear again?” Jared asked quietly, staring down at his hands.

“Look, Jared.” Jensen reached out a hand, putting it on top of Jared’s. “I can’t apologize enough for what I did three years ago, I can’t. I know that. All I can do is try to make it up to you, and tell you honestly that I think about that night every day, and I have no regrets. Not one.” Jensen smiled softly, searching Jared’s face for a reaction.

“Not a single one?” Jared’s lips quirked, and Jensen burst out laughing.

“Alright, alright. I do regret not getting your e-mail address so we could stay in touch. I regret thinking that we could pick up later, and everything would be fine. And…” Jensen trailed off, unsure about putting all his cards on the table. Jared, predictably, wasn’t having it.

“And? Don’t stop there, things were getting interesting.” Jared poked Jensen’s shoulder with his finger, and Jensen shook his head.

“Fine. I regret that we only had the one night, alright?” Jensen threw up his hands in surrender. “I regret that one of the most mind-blowing sexual experiences I’ve ever had took place on some random ass trampoline in the middle of the night at a fucking house party, right before I shipped off to boot camp. You were amazing, and I wonder every day what might have happened if I’d just had another few days.” He buried his hands in his face, and took a deep breath. “Seeing you tonight, up on that stage, made me realize what an idiot I was three years ago. I would give anything, anything to have you touch me again, but it’s been so long that I’m afraid I’ll dissolve into molecules.”

After a long pause, Jared let out a low whistle and shook his head. “So, that just happened.” He leaned back in his chair, head tilted back to stare at the sky for a moment. His eyes slowly closed, and Jensen watched Jared’s jaw clench slightly. Jared’s head fell back forward, and when he opened his eyes they were glittering with unshed tears. He smiled wryly, wiping at his eyes in embarrassment. “Mind-blowing sexual experience, huh?”

Jensen chuckled. “I knew you’d get caught up on that. I’m not saying it again, you know. The last thing you need is to have your ego stroked.”

“Is it just my ego you’re refusing to stroke?” Jared asked, cocky smile on his face as he leaned forward and brushed an errant lock of hair behind his ear.

“Wow, way to be subtle Padalecki. I thought this was just coffee tonight? Or have plans changed?” Jensen said, leaning forward as well. There was a small candle burning on the table between them, adding a ghostly light to Jared’s features. This close, Jensen could see the slight blush on his cheeks, and the streaks of green mixed in with the gold that radiated from the iris of his eye.

“Plans can always be changed,” Jared said casually, leaning back in his chair and spreading his legs nonchalantly. Jensen’s eyes flicked down, and he realized he could see the bulge of Jared’s cock through the denim of his jeans. God clearly loved Jared Padalecki very much, Jensen mused. 

“I gotta say, I’m a little confused here Jared. You were ready to say goodbye at the club, and now you’re hitting on me?” Jensen tilted his head, raising an eyebrow.

“And you’re confused by this why?” Jared asked, blatantly looking Jensen up and down. Turning his head, he saw the waiters stacking the chairs onto the little tables on the patio and locking them for the night. “Listen, you want to get out of here? My place isn’t too far, and it looks like they’re closing up.” Jared tipped his head to the waiter. Jensen glanced to the left at the waiter who was cleaning off the table next to theirs and shooting them dirty looks.

“Huh? Oh, sure,” Jensen nodded, still confused but not yet wanting the night and their conversation to end just yet.

They stood and shrugged on their coats, and Jensen tossed several Euro notes on the table to cover the tab. They walked down Rue de l’Échelle, turning right onto Rue Sainte-Anne and headed north. Despite the late hour there were still plenty of people out walking the streets. Jensen peered into the store and restaurant windows they passed, deciding this was definitely an area he wanted to come back and explore during his next trip to Paris.

They stopped in front of a building with a sushi restaurant on the ground floor, and Jared used a surprisingly modern-looking key to open the ancient looking front door. After he reached in and pressed a button glowing on the wall inside the entryway, the dark hallway lit up and they both stepped inside. Jensen noticed the tiny elevator at the end of the hallway; it seemed barely big enough for him, let alone both of them.

“Hope you don’t mind stairs,” Jared said, nodding towards the narrow circular staircase that curled around the elevator. “I’m on the top floor.”

“Challenge accepted!” Jensen said, and brushed past Jared to take the stairs two at a time as quietly as he could. At the top he stopped so Jared could get past him; there was one last small staircase leading to the top floor and the hallway was barely wide enough for the two of them to stand shoulder to shoulder.

“So, about my apartment,” Jared said sheepishly, standing in front of a door painted the same brilliant blue as the elevator and wood trim. “It’s, well. It’s tiny, and there isn’t a whole lot of room to move around. I’ve kind of been using part of the bedroom as the living room. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Naw, man. It’s cool.”

Jared unlocked the door and walks inside, and Jensen sees immediately what Jared had been trying to say. The apartment was tiny, a few hundred square feet at most, and the front portion of the apartment was taken up by the tiny kitchen and the bathroom. 

“So, this is my place. Do you mind if I go wash the club off really quick? Promise I won’t be long.”

“Dude,” Jensen exclaimed. “It’s your place. Do what you gotta do.”

“Alright, well there’s a chair in the bedroom if you want to make yourself comfortable. I’ll be right back.” With that Jared ducked into the bathroom, and Jensen was left by himself standing awkwardly in the kitchen.

Jensen wandered around the small apartment, taking note of all the little things decorating the small space. Jared had placed small pictures all over every flat surface and wall, and rather than making it feel cramped, the apartment instead felt cozy and inviting. Some were pictures of the friends he’d made in Paris, as well as a few faces Jensen recognized from back home but couldn’t name. There was a picture of Jared with his arms wrapped around an attractive woman on the fridge, and jealousy had Jensen quickly moving away from that picture and on to the others.

Jensen completed his snooping in the kitchen and settled into a chair in the bedroom, kicking his feet up on the footlocker at the end of Jared’s bed as he took a look around. The bedroom was simply furnished; a large carved-wood bed dominated the room, its wood antiqued to a dark brown that almost matched the wood of the floors. There was an armoire in the corner made of the same dark wood, and a desk in the corner next to Jensen that looked well-used. Its surface was covered in books, pens, and Metro ticket stubs, and Jensen guessed that was where Jared spent the majority of his time when he was home.

Jensen sighed and tilted his head back, resting it on the back of the chair. Jared was still as attractive as he remembered, even more so now that he had finally grown into his body and had the confidence to back up his size. He also seemed happy, which was what had always drawn Jensen to him- He could hardly remember Jared ever not smiling and laughing about something.

Shifting in the deceivingly uncomfortable chair, Jensen knocked the cushion off that had been on top of the footlocker. After a brief battle to try and right the cushion using only his feet, Jensen sighed and knelt at the footlocker to put the cushion back on properly. He paused when he noticed the padlock on the front was unlocked. Jensen froze and quickly debated how much snooping he could do before Jared finished in the shower. It was a gross violation of Jared’s privacy but he justified it by telling himself it would be a quick look. 

Listening for the shower to suddenly shut off, Jensen slid the unlocked padlock out of the latch. He listened a moment longer for the shower before lifting the lid, and he couldn’t stop the whimper he let out at seeing the riding crop sitting on top of the items in the chest. Jensen found it hard to believe they were Jared’s property, but the footlocker had the initials JTP inscribed on the front, so there could be no mistake.

The smell of leather wafted from the chest, making Jensen’s mouth go dry. He wondered what the hell else could be in the chest, and pushed the lid to stay open so he could get a better look. The footlocker was a collection of oddities, leather cuffs, plugs and what looked like small titanium straws in plastic cases. Flipping open a lacquered case Jensen found a dark brown collar nestled in a velvet lining, Jensen found himself stroking the butter-soft leather contemplatively before closing the box and moving on to the next treasure. Jensen unburied a pair of leather wrist cuffs, soft from use and care. He ran his hand over the beautiful detail work on them, testing their weight in his hands, before turning his attention back to the riding crop.

He grabbed the handle and lifted it from the trunk; it was lighter than he’d thought it would be, and more beautiful as well. Several strands of braided leather crossed down the shaft, intricately interwoven at the handle, and the end was flat, finger-wide and made of the same soft leather as the cuffs and collar had been. What would it feel like to get hit with it? He wondered, his face flushing red at the thought. He listened for the shower again only to realize he didn’t hear it. Embarrassment threatened to choke him when he turned and saw Jared standing in the doorway, watching him. 

“Jesus, Jared.” Jensen sputtered. “Sorry I… It was unlocked and I don’t know what I was thinking I just-” he bit back the “wanted to get to know you better” that threatened to slip out and add to his already mortified embarrassment. “Sorry.” He said again getting to his feet noticing for the first time that Jared was wearing nothing but a towel. Jensen could feel his cheeks heat up further. They spoke at the same time. 

“I can take off if you want me to.”

“It’s okay, I’m not mad.” 

Jensen blinked up at him, the water dripping from Jared’s hair to his shoulders where it ran in rivulets down his chest to mingle with his happy trail before being absorbed by the towel around his waist. It was incredibly distracting. “What?” 

“Jensen, I’m not mad,” Jared repeated. “And I’d really like you to stay, if you still want to.” 

Jensen gestured at the footlocker, “Dude, I’d be pissed if that were my stuff and someone found it.” 

Jared’s eyebrows came together in confusion, then he smiled and gave a low chuckle. “Why? It’s not like I’m ashamed of it.” 

“Oh.” Jensen said as he bit at his lower lip and gave the small trunk a long look. He’d never been brave enough to wander into a fetish shop, let alone touch anything in there. Several of the things in that chest had featured very prominently in his favorite fantasies, however, and it suddenly felt as though he was being offered everything he’d ever wanted if he was willing to take the chance.

# 

Jared watched Jensen stare at the footlocker with such a longing look on his face, and thought he might understand the reason for Jensen’s hesitance. Fully aware of how badly this could blow up his face, he stepped forward and took a chance. “So, if it were yours you'd be pissed. Do you feel you need to be punished for snooping?” 

Instead of the laugh Jared was expecting, Jensen’s head snapped up to look at him. His green eyes were dilated wide, his spit slick lips parted in shock. There was a hunger in Jensen’s eyes that Jared was positive didn’t exist outside his dreams, and his faded memories of that night on the trampoline came back full force. 

“Jensen?” Jared forced out of his too dry throat and he swallowed hard at the change that had come over Jensen’s face. Jensen’s eyes were molten, the apples of his cheeks were a delicate pink and his breathing was harsh in the quiet of the room. 

Jared was suddenly very aware he was only wearing a towel and there were less than four feet separating them. “Jensen,” he whispered, taking a step closer. “We both need to hear you say it.” Please say it, he prayed silently. 

Jensen looked back at the footlocker, seeming to study the tangle of leather. His hand was gripping the crop in his hands so tightly his knuckles were white, and Jared could tell from the way he was unconsciously running his fingers over the leather tongue that Jensen’s desire to feel the crop on his skin was all-consuming. “I need to be punished for misbehaving,” he said firmly, making eye contact with Jared before lowering his head in submission.

“How long has it been since your last session, Jensen?” Jared asked, stepping closer and taking the crop from Jensen and putting it back in the footlocker. Picking the footlocker up off the edge of the bed, he turned and put it on top of his desk, leaving the lid open so Jensen could still see the items inside.

“Since my last what?” Jensen asked, turning to stare at Jared with a raised eyebrow.

“Your last session. I mean, the last time you did something like this with someone,” Jared clarified, starting to get an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.

“Oh. Um… Three years and some change, I guess,” Jensen said, rubbing the back of his neck nervously as the color slowly left his face.

“Three… Three years? Are you telling me that you’ve never done something like this before? What you’re asking for is a far cry from what we did when we were kids, Jensen.” Jared ran a hand through his hair uneasily and let out a breath slowly, trying to remain calm.

“When would I have had the time to do more?” Jensen demanded. “The Army isn’t exactly known for its open attitude about alternative lifestyles. But I understand, if you don’t want to do this now then we don’t have to.”

Jared frowned at Jensen’s forced indifference. “It’s not that I don’t-” Jared cut himself off with a huff. “Can I ask you something personal?” 

“This conversation can get more personal?” Jensen asked, a wry grin on his face.

“Depends on your definition of personal, I guess.” Jared agreed. “Are you a virgin?”

“No,” Jensen replied, almost too quickly. “I’ve had sex with women. A lot of women, actually, and I’d like to think I’m pretty good at it,” he leered.

Jared could see now that the bravado was false. “And with men?” Jared pressed, almost holding his breath.

Jensen mumbled something under his breath, and Jared couldn’t quite make it out. Shaking his head, Jensen cleared his throat and spoke louder. “Just… Just you, Jared.”

The possessive feeling that swept through Jared took him by surprise, and he didn’t trust himself to speak for a long moment. “And you said you haven’t done anything like this-” He said, waving a hand in the general direction of the footlocker sitting on the desk. “You haven’t done anything like this in three years?”

“Three years, three months and a few weeks, give or take.”

Jared felt the breath steal from his lungs in a rush. “But you want to?” Jared asked, his voice thick with a silent plea.

Jensen nodded, then smiled. “I do, Jared. I really, really do.”

“We’ll start slow, then.” Jared assured him, his heart kicking up a notch. “Turn around and take your clothes off,” Jared instructed. 

An excited gleam sparked in Jensen’s eyes before he turned away and did as he was told. Turning his back to Jared, he started unbuttoning his shirt with the military precision drilled into him for the past three years. The material fell away from Jensen’s shoulders, giving Jared a beautiful view of Jensen’s filled out shoulders stretching the material of his white undershirt, which was quickly removed to join his other shirt on the floor. 

When Jensen started unbuttoning his pants, Jared abruptly remembered he had a job to do as well. He stood, tossing the towel aside heedless of where it landed. Quickly grabbing a pair of boxer briefs from the dresser drawer, he stepped into them and looked up just as Jensen was straightening from taking his own boxers off. 

The curve of Jensen’s ass made Jared’s mouth water with the urge to mark the perfect flesh. Swallowing past the desire and thrill of being able to see and touch Jensen again, Jared ordered him to turn around and face him.

“So beautiful Jensen.” Jared whispered as he moved to stand in front of him. He slowly ran his hand down Jensen’s chest, pausing to run a finger through his treasure trail before cupping Jensen’s thickening cock. Jared shook himself- he could get his fill of admiring Jensen’s body later. 

“Again, take a picture. It’ll last longer,” Jensen said, smirking and flexing his arms slightly.

“Would you let me? Take pictures, that is?” Jared asked, trailing his hands over Jensen’s shoulders and back, soothing the slight tremors he could feel with small touches and kisses until Jensen was still once more. “Are you cold?”

“A bit.” Jensen shrugged. “Mostly just waiting for you to get this show on the road, Cowboy.”

Jared chuckled darkly, eyes flicking to where he kept the gags. He contemplated putting one on Jensen just to see his reaction, but decided he liked the smart ass comments too much to do it. For now, at least. “Anyone ever tell you that you’ve got one hell of a mouth on you?” Jared asked, quirking an eyebrow and running a finger across Jensen’s bottom lip.

Jensen’s tongue darted out and licked the tip of Jared’s finger softly before he bent his head and sucked the digit into his mouth. Jared groaned, feeling the soft muscle of Jensen’s tongue fluttering against his finger before he sucked hard, his cheeks hollowing obscenely as he stared at Jared from under his eyelashes. Jensen leaned back again slowly, nibbling gently on the tip of Jared’s finger before releasing it completely and shrugging. “I’ve heard it a time or two, maybe.” 

“I’m going to move you.” Jared told him as put his hands over Jensen’s biceps and guided him to the center of the room. Jared turned to the footlocker, aware of Jensen’s eyes on him as he opened the lid and pulled out the crop. 

“Hold out your hands.” Jared commanded. Jensen raised both hands and Jared placed the crop in Jensen’s upturned palms. “Hold this. Don’t lower your arms,” Jared warned and turned back to the trunk. 

Jared decided against using one of the plugs on Jensen this soon, even though it would help with stretching his criminally untouched ass. Instead, Jared fished out his preferred lube and the leather cuffs. Without glancing at Jensen, Jared moved to set the lube on the nightstand before turning to see how well Jensen had followed his initial instructions.

Jensen was right where he left him, the crop held out, those bright green eyes watching him. There was unmistakable hunger in Jensen’s eyes, the look that Jensen would drop to his knees if only Jared would ask. He felt his cock twitch in anticipation at the thought.

“The things I’m going to do to you Jensen.” Jared growled, taking slow, measured steps towards him. He took his time, drinking his fill of all that freckled skin on display. 

Jensen visibly shivered again, blinking slowly. “All talk so far, Padalecki,” came Jensen’s husky response. He looked Jared up and down again, licking his lips provocatively. 

“Don’t call me that.” Jared ordered. He’d never cared what a sub called him before, but Jensen calling him by his last name made him feel… Wrong, somehow.

“Why? You’d rather I call you Sir?” There was a pause and Jensen licked those lush lips, briefly biting his bottom lip before speaking again. “Master?” 

Jared could see Jensen’s pulse visibly throbbing in his throat. He grabbed Jensen’s chin and made sure he wouldn’t look away. “There is no wrong answer here. Do you want to call me Master?” 

Jensen nodded in his grip, that teasing tongue darting out to lick his lips again. “Yes, Master.”

Jared felt his mouth go dry and his dick gave an almost painful jerk in his boxers at the sight. “Good.” Jared let him go and wrapped the leather cuffs around each of Jensen’s wrists. 

As Jared cinched the cuffs closed Jensen shivered in anticipation. Jared took the riding crop from Jensen’s hands and held the braided leather in front of Jensen’s face. “Open your mouth.” Jensen’s brows furrowed in confusion before he hesitantly complied. “Hold this,” he instructed, and Jared put the crop between his teeth gently, making sure to have Jensen hold it securely with his molars. Jensen’s teeth set around the braided leather and Jared moved to link the cuffs together. 

Jared pulled Jensen’s wrists above his head by the linked metal. Jensen had to tilt his head back to avoid pushing the crop further against the side of his mouth but it gave him the perfect view of Jared clipping the cuffs to the eyehook in the beam overhead. Jared took the crop from Jensen’s mouth while Jensen stared at the hook for a long moment before giving an experimental tug. Jared watched him with a knowing smirk; that hook could hold 500 pounds without difficulty, and Jensen wasn’t going anywhere. 

“You’re allowed to ask questions, Jensen.” Jared reminded him, noticing that Jensen had started slightly shivering again.

Jensen blinked at him, seeming to process the question before asking his own, “Why is there a hook in your ceiling?” 

Jared smiled at the innocent question. “Sometimes you just can’t find the right position on the bed.” 

Jensen nodded, seeming to accept the answer. He bit his lip in thought and Jared waited for him to ask another question but it never came. 

“I want to cover some things with you first Jensen.” Jared said, making sure those green eyes were focused on him. “We can stop anytime you don’t feel comfortable or if I do something you don’t like.” 

“Yes, Master.” Jensen agreed, eagerness coloring his voice.

“I’m going to use this crop on you, and I think we both know you don’t want me to be gentle.” Jensen nodded his head without prompting, and Jared continued. “Is there any place you do not want me to hit?” 

Jensen shook his head slowly, clearly thinking of all the possible places for Jared to strike him. “No, Master.”

“These walls are very thick, and I don’t want you to worry about that in here. Do you understand? I want to hear every moan, every cry, every shout you want to make.”

Jensen nodded, his voice thick when he answered, “Yes, Master.” 

“Good.” Jared praised, making a slow circle around Jensen admiring the sight of him stretched tall in his bedroom. All that pretty freckled skin begging to be marked, to be owned. “Now, you invaded my privacy by going through the footlocker so you should be punished.” 

Jared followed the curve of Jensen’s ass with his eye. He wasn’t sure of Jensen’s pain tolerance, but it was always good to start off small and work up. Something to get the blood flowing. “Fifteen strokes to start. What is your safe word?”

Jensen paused for a moment, thinking it over with a wrinkle between his eyebrows. “Parcells,” Jensen said proudly.

“The head coach for the Dallas Cowboys?” Jared said incredulously, raising an eyebrow. 

“It’s not like football is likely to come up as a topic of conversation right now, is it?” Jensen asked. “Now, show me what you’ve got, lover boy.” 

At the taunting nickname Jared snapped the flat of the crop against Jensen’s ass with a flick of his wrist. Jensen exhaled, the curl of a whimper at the end of his breath. “Oh yeah, that’s exactly what I wanted,” Jensen said happily, bracing against the cuffs to lean forward at the waist and stand on his tip-toes, curving his body into an undeniably sexy S shape. 

Jared delivered a matching swat to Jensen’s other ass cheek, earning another groan of approval before slapping the crop against the back of his thighs. Jared made an evenly spaced pattern on the back of Jensen’s thighs before moving to his ass and peppering it with short quick swats that had Jensen’s breath hitching with each strike. 

He worked the crop up Jensen’s back, creating the same pattern he’d made on the back of Jensen’s legs. Jensen’s freckled skin showed a clear pattern between the tanned skin and crop-kissed skin, and Jared almost wished he could take a picture as Jensen had teased. Instead, he set the crop on the desk and ran a hand down Jensen’s back earning a hiss and Jensen leaning back against Jared’s chest. 

Jared ran his hands down Jensen’s sides as Jensen writhed against his chest. He pressed a kiss under Jensen’s ear before giving the lobe a light nip. “How do you feel Jensen?” 

Jensen rolled his head to rest against Jared’s shoulder and gave another cat like arc against Jared’s chest, “Amazing, Master.” 

Jared smiled at his answer. “Good boy. You did so well Jensen.” Jared praised, running a warm hand up Jensen’s chest to pinch at his nipples. Jensen keened and surged against Jared’s fingers. “Do think you can take another round?” Jared asked, running teasingly light touches across Jensen’s pink nipples. 

Jensen let out a beautiful whimper and nodded. “Please, Jared please.” 

Jared released his nipple and grabbed the crop, slapping the leather against the top of Jensen’s thigh, startling a breathy groan from the bound man. “What did you call me?” Jared asked, his voice low, holding the threat of a promise.

“I’m sorry, Master. It won’t happen again,” Jensen murmured, and winked at Jared.

“Twenty more.” He took a small step away from Jensen’s back, and Jensen made a small noise of protest in the back of his throat at the loss of Jared’s heat. Jared moved slowly to stand in front of him, admiring the lines of muscle illuminated by the lamps on the nightstand. Jensen’s green eyes were slightly glazed over in pleasure, his cock hard and leaking from the tip. 

Jared brought the crop up to smear Jensen’s precome across the flat leather, giving him a taste of friction against his sensitive cock head before landing a perfect strike over Jensen’s nipple. Jensen let out a loud moan that Jared was almost sure the neighbors heard despite the thick walls, Jensen’s arm muscles flexing as he swayed on his feet. 

Taking the reaction as an invitation, Jared worked methodically, landing strike after strike to Jensen’s chest, replicating the cross-hatch pattern he’d left on Jensen’s back. Each new strike caused Jensen to cry out, as if the abuse to his nipple had broken a dam within him and he was now unable to stop his moans and cries from pouring out. 

Jared found himself quickly becoming addicted to the sounds he could get Jensen to make. A strike close to his nipples or heavy cock was a breathier sound than the throaty moans if hit on the top of his thighs and stomach. Somewhere around twelve Jared noticed tear tracks down Jensen’s cheeks but between the moaning and almost inaudible “please” in the time it would take Jared to snap the crop against his freckled skin, Jensen was obviously enjoying himself.

Jared paused for a moment after finishing the last of the promised twenty strikes, studying Jensen closely for signs of distress or discomfort. Jensen’s face was wet with tears and sweat and flushed a lovely shade of red, but he seemed perfectly content to continue.

“Five more, and then we’re done,” Jared said, running a hand gently across Jensen’s chest before twisting a nipple. Jensen moaned and tugged against the cuffs, swaying on his feet, arching and stretching his body and clearly enjoying the endorphins.

“Yes please, Master,” he slurred, and Jared chuckled darkly.

“I want you to count them, Jensen. Can you do that for me?” Jared walked slowly around Jensen to stare at his back and the cross-hatch pattern he’d left; there were a few places that were darker than others, but none looked like they’d broken skin. 

“Yes, Master.” Jensen said, shifting in the handcuffs before going still once more. 

Now, Jared thought, comes the really fun part. He leaned close, licking a long stripe up Jensen’s neck before nibbling on his ear lobe as he ran his hands down the red welts of Jensen’s chest. “Oh, and Jensen?” Jared licked a strip through the sweat at the nape of Jensen’s neck before exhaling a warm breath across his ear, “You’re not allowed to come until I say you can. Is that understood?”

Jensen whimpered, but nodded and murmured his assent.

“Jensen, I’m going to ask again. Is there anywhere you don’t want me to strike tonight? I need you to be honest with me, and not just tell me what you think I want to hear.”

“I… I don’t think so.” Jensen paused, taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly. “No, I don’t think so.”

Jared stepped away from his back and moved to stand in front of him, “You don’t think so, or you know so? I need you to be clear on this.” Jared grasped Jensen’s chin gently, tilting his head so he would look at him instead of the floor. There were tear tracks on Jensen’s face, but he looked so blissed out that Jared doubted that Jensen was feeling any pain.

“No. There is no place I don’t want you to hit,” Jensen said impatiently, jerking his chin out of Jared’s hold. “Unless, of course, your arm is getting tired.”

“And you promise me you’ll safe word if you are?” Jared asked, ignoring the sarcastic comment and searching Jensen’s face for any sign of pain or discomfort.

“Yes, Master.” Jensen nodded, and settled more firmly on his feet.

“Alright then. You’re doing so well for me, Jensen. You look so beautiful all stretched out and marked up like this for me.” Jared ran his hand slowly down Jensen’s chest, taking care to pinch each of his nipples as he made his way down to Jensen’s cock, which was by now a lovely shade of red. His balls were high and tight against his body, and when Jared wrapped a hand around them and tugged gently, Jensen’s arm muscles flexed against the cuffs, his legs shaking.

“Please, Master,” Jensen bit out, trembling harder when Jared tugged again and rolled his balls gently in the palm of his hand. “I don’t want to come without permission, but I might if you keep doing that.”

“Doing what, Jensen? Is it the tugging, or the rolling that you like?”

“The tugging, Master. I know it helps some guys last longer, but it’s always done the opposite for me.” The last word came out in a whine as Jared tugged particularly hard, causing Jensen to stand on his tiptoes and arch his back almost painfully, trying desperately to get out of Jared’s grip. “Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaase don’t make me come, Master. I don’t want to disappoint you.”

“Good boy, Jensen.” Jared purred, releasing Jensen’s balls gently. “You’ve been so good for me so far that I want to give you a reward. Count the last five for me, and you can come when you want. Does that sound fair?”

Jensen gave a small sigh, and smiled. “Yes, Master. Thank you.”

Jared stepped back and proceeded to deliver a perfectly aimed blow into the untouched space his previous pattern created on Jensen’s back, causing Jensen to cry out and shudder.

“One,” Jensen moaned, the breathless sound shooting straight to Jared’s cock. He reached down and tugged at his own balls to stave off the orgasm. Jared studied Jensen’s ass, finding another spot of pale skin that had gone untouched by the crop and striking it quickly.

“Two,” Jensen cried, as Jared walking around to face Jensen’s front and the marks from the crop there.

Jared struck one nipple then the other in quick succession, causing Jensen to howl and stand on his tiptoes. Jared waited patiently for Jensen to settle. Once he had, Jensen counted out three and four as Jared had known he would.

“Last one, Jensen. You’ve been so good for me, so beautiful and perfect. Are you ready?”

Jensen shuddered, then stilled on his feet. His face was flushed, there were fresh tears running down his cheeks, and Jared had never seen anything more beautiful. “Yes, Master,” Jensen whispered, and closed his eyes.

Jared raised the crop once more and, with a quick flick of this wrist, struck Jensen directly on the head of his cock. 

The effect was instantaneous; Jensen’s eyes popped open as he cried out in surprise. The first spurt of his release landed on the flat of the crop and Jared’s hip as he stepped closer. His long, low moan spurred Jared into action, dropping the crop and wrapping a hand around Jensen’s twitching cock. Jared milked him through his orgasm while murmuring praise into Jensen’s ear, between mouthing at his throat and jaw. 

Jensen gave a weak sound of protest as Jared continued to palm at his sensitive cock long after the shudders of his orgasm faded. Only when Jensen started whining and twisting away from the overstimulation did Jared release his still-hard cock. 

Reaching up, Jared released the handcuffs from the eyehook, catching Jensen as his knees gave out below him. He guided a stumbling and blissed out Jensen the two steps towards the bed and laid him on his stomach gently. Jensen hissed as the sheet pressed against the marks on his chest, and Jared made soothing noises while he maneuvered Jensen into a kneeling position, pulling his knees so they were spread enough to stabilize him. Jared reached to the headboard of the bed and pulled out two small chains hidden within the grooves on top. Jared carefully raised Jensen’s left hand, securing the leather cuff on his wrist to the chain before doing the same with the right. The position left Jensen able to rest his hands on the headboard or pull on the chain as much as he wanted to.

“Jensen,” Jared said softly, nuzzling Jensen’s throat with his nose. He could smell the cologne Jensen had been wearing earlier, more faint now under the scent of healthy sweat and pheromones. “I’m going to fuck you now.” 

Jensen made a downright filthy sound and arched his back, offering his ass to Jared. “Please.”

Jared chuckled darkly, ducking under Jensen’s outstretched arm to sit between him and the headboard. Grasping Jensen’s jaws, he leaned forward and kissed him hard, sucking on his tongue and biting his lips like he was trying to crawl inside him. 

Jensen tugged on the handcuffs ineffectually, whimpering in obvious frustration at being unable to touch or even get closer to Jared. Jared gave him one last biting kiss before leaning back. “Something you want to say, Jen?” He asked playfully, reaching up and twisting a nipple.

“If you don’t get inside me right this fucking minute, Padalecki, I’m gonna safe word and leave you with nothing but your right hand and your imagination,” Jensen growled. “Master.” 

“Oh, that does it.” Jared slipped out from underneath Jensen and stood, shedding his precome-soaked boxers before swatting Jensen on the ass. He climbed back up onto the bed, flicking open the lube as he kneeled behind Jensen. Running a hand down the slightly raised skin of Jensen’s back, he smirked when Jensen hissed and arched his back into Jared’s hand. “You gotta hold still for me, Jen.”

Jared smeared a couple fingers with lube and rested a hand on the small of Jensen’s back, pausing for a moment before pressing a finger against Jensen’s tight hole. The slightly chilled lube caused Jensen to flinch, squirming away from the hand Jared had resting on the small of Jensen’s back. Jared swatted a palm against the already abused flesh of Jensen’s ass, and Jensen hung his head, moaning loudly and against his outstretched arm. He held still as Jared eased the slick digit into Jensen’s ass, clenching down once the webbing of Jared’s hand rested against the crack of his ass. 

Jensen rocked his hips back experimentally and moaned loudly when Jared twisted his hand, working the tight hole open to fit in another finger. He scissored his fingers after adding the second finger, knowing Jensen would appreciate the extra burn, and was immediately rewarded with Jensen crying out and snapping his hips back, almost knocking Jared over. While he pumped the digits in and out of Jensen’s tight heat he palmed and tugged at Jensen’s balls, drawing out the pleasure and pain as he worked in a third finger. 

Finally, confident Jensen would be able to take him, Jared withdrew his fingers and pulled Jensen’s knees under his hips. Leaning over Jensen’s body, Jared licked a long line up Jensen’s spine, loving the taste of the sweat gathered there. He reached up and pulled the chains attached to the handcuffs, testing their length and making sure Jensen was secured. 

Jared rested the head of his cock against Jensen’s stretched hole, making teasingly light thrusts against the soft, wet skin. “Gonna fuck you, Jensen.” Jared groaned, easing the swollen head into Jensen’s tight heat. Jensen pulled at the cuffs, the chimes of the chains a reminder there was nothing he could do but take what Jared offered. Jared slowly but steadily sank into the welcoming pull of Jensen’s body; Jensen groaned into the mattress as Jared’s cock filled him, stretching him wide and feeling like Jared wouldn’t stop pushing until that thick cock was nestled in the back of Jensen’s throat. Jensen scrambled for purchase against the headboard as Jared’s hips met Jensen’s ass and he was rocked forward.

“So fucking perfect, Jensen.” Jared praised softly, running a warm hand down Jensen’s back before leaning forward and bracing a hand against the bar Jensen’s hands were tethered to. Easing out slowly until just the tip remained, Jared groaned at the gritty drag of skin, the feeling of finally being inside Jensen as he snapped his hips and thrust back in. 

At the words of praise, Jensen moaned loudly and swiveled his hips, arching his back and letting out a breathless cry when Jared’s cock hit his prostate. Jared set a steady pace, playing with the combination of sounds he could wring from Jensen’s pretty lips as he set about using Jensen’s tight hole. Playing with his nipples and pinching the welts that were beginning to form on his back, he made sure to keep the angle steady, rubbing against Jensen’s prostate on each thrust as Jensen clamped down on him like a vice. 

Jensen sobbed, pulling on the handcuffs. “Please, let me loose. I gotta… I gotta…”

“Gotta what,” Jared asked, giving Jensen’s balls a sharp tug.

“Touch my cock, please,” Jensen cried, and Jared let out huff of breath in amusement.

“Nope. You’re coming on my cock or not at all, baby.” He grabbed Jensen’s hips in his hands tightly and thrusted, starting a punishing rhythm that had Jensen whimpering and moaning on every thrust in. “Fuck, you feel so good, all hot and wet around me. Fucking made for this, weren’t you? Fucking made for my cock.”

“Jared, please…” Jensen whimpered, raising his head and looking over his shoulder and biting his lip. 

Jared leaned down and mouthed at the shell of Jensen’s ear. “Belong on my cock Jensen.” He panted, biting his lip to keep himself from saying anything more. He wanted to beg Jensen to stay there with him, wanted to promise to tie him up and have his way whenever Jensen wanted. Instead, he kept thrusting into Jensen’s tight heat, letting his body say the things he couldn’t voice. “That hook in the ceiling isn’t only for handcuffs.” Jared said, raking his teeth against the soft skin under Jensen’s ear. “I have a swing I can strap you into, have you exposed and at my mercy for whatever I want to do to you.” 

Jensen groaned; between the weight of Jared’s sweat-slick body pressing against the sensitive skin on his back, the steady rhythm Jared was tattooing against his prostate, and Jared’s warm breath panting against his ear, it was clear that Jensen was painfully close to coming again for the second time in an hour. It was Jared mentioning the swing and all the things he could do with it that pushed him over the edge. 

With a wail Jensen threw his head back and came, clenching down tightly on Jared's cock as he arched his back and ground his ass into Jared's thrusts. Jared pumped in and out twice more before coming with a cry, biting into the sensitive flesh at the nape of Jensen's neck and pulsing hot into Jensen's pink and abused ass. 

Jared leaned over Jensen's sweaty form, pressing small kisses along his spine and murmuring nonsense as he soothed the crescent-shaped nail marks in Jensen's hips. Jensen moaned softly and went still, his breathing slowing. Jared shook him softly, then chuckled as he realized Jensen had blacked out. He reached up and unlocked the cuffs, gently lowering Jensen to the mattress and settling a pillow under his head. He sat for a moment, running his hand through Jensen's hair and staring at him; fucked out and asleep, Jensen looked young. The freckles on the bridge of his nose made him look almost boyish, and Jared gave into the desire to kiss them softly. 

He stood quietly and padded to the bathroom to wet a washcloth with warm water, wanting to clean Jensen and make him more comfortable during the aftercare. He stared at himself in the mirror for a moment, looking for outward signs of how much his world had changed that night, but saw the same floppy hair and dimples he'd always seen. His heart felt too big for his chest, though, and there was a heavy lassitude to his limbs that spoke more to contentment than could be blamed on the admittedly mind-blowing sex he'd just had.

Shaking his head in amusement at the unusually introspective thoughts, Jared quietly walked back into the bedroom and began cleaning up. He wiped the crop down with an oiled cloth, then placed both items carefully in the footlocker before locking it and putting it under his desk.

Removing the cuffs from Jensen’s wrists, Jared massaged the slightly reddened skin, kissing the bruises that were beginning to form at the underside of each wrist. He shifted Jensen gently, wiping the spunk from his stomach and thighs. Pausing to consider for a moment, he shrugged and cleaned the mess between Jensen’s legs before tossing the washcloth in the general direction of the laundry basket. Pulling the sheets from the floor on the foot of the bed, he shook them out before pulling spreading them onto the bed. Jared climbed into bed next to Jensen after turning off the overhead light, leaving only the lamp on the nightstand on. 

Taking a deep breath, he curled up next to Jensen’s back, not wanting him to feel alone when he woke up.

# 

Jensen came to with Jared running a soothing hand down his chest and stomach and back in turn. His hands were free and there wasn’t a mess of spunk under him like he’d assumed he’d find. Jensen tucked his head and looked over his shoulder at Jared. 

Those bright hazel eyes smiled back at him, “Welcome back to the land of the living,” he joked and nuzzled the back of Jensen’s neck. 

“What happened?” Jensen muttered. 

Jared pet a distracting hand down Jensen’s chest again. “You blacked out.” He answered simply. Jensen tensed in the circle of his arms, and Jared’s arm tightened around Jensen’s chest briefly. “Don’t,” Jared warned in a disturbingly sexy growl. “It’s ok. It happens more often than you’d think.” 

“Maybe with you.” Jensen rasped then realizes how that must sound. He turned his face into the pillow under his head in embarrassment. “Why would you even say that,” he chastised himself mentally.

Jared chuckled. “You saying I’m slutty?”

“Um… No?” Jensen shifted, sliding an arm under the pillow to make himself more comfortable. “I’m just saying you’re very good at what you do.”

An easy silence fell between them; the soft sound of rain coming through the window Jared must have opened at some point lulled Jensen into that soft, warm space between sleep and awake. Jared’s rhythmic touches never stopped, and Jensen sighed in contentment at how the night had turned out. 

“I’d be getting home from the club about now.” Jared murmured into Jensen’s neck. 

Jensen huffed a tired laugh. “I’d be getting up and starting my day about now.” 

The rain picked up harder outside, and Jared buried his face into the back of Jensen’s neck. His warm breath was soothing, and soon Jensen fell fast asleep.

# 

Jensen looked up from the grain of the wooden table he’d been staring at intently for the better part of an hour. 

Mike and Tom were sitting so close together they looked like conjoined twins, and Chris had Jean sitting in his lap. Most of the bachelorette party had cleared out at some point, leaving Sophia behind. She seemed perfectly happy about that however, given how close she and Chad were sitting together.

“Well, that was downright pornographic,” Mike muttered, running his hand over his shaved head and dropping his arm over the back of Tom’s chair with a smirk. “Didn’t know you had it in you, Jensen.”

“It does explain a lot about where you disappeared off to that night, though.” Tom added, stretching his long legs out. “We all just assumed you’d met a girl at the club and went home with her.”

“Yeah, well I didn’t.”

“Man, you think you know a guy,” Chris huffed. Jensen looked over at him with an apology on the tip of his tongue, but saw that Chris was smiling. “We all assumed you two were dating, especially since you were absolute shit at keeping your hands to yourselves in public. But I mean,” he gave a dry laugh, “damn. Is that why you always wear those cuffs?”

“Is this about me liking guys, or me liking guys who tie me up?” Jensen raised an eyebrow; Chris had never struck him as the homophobic type. 

“Son, I don’t care about any of that. You know me better than that. A lot of things are starting to make sense now, is all.” Chris shrugged. “You know I’m here for you, gay or straight.” He reached for the bottle sitting in the middle of the table and refilled everyone’s glasses. “And I’m sorry if I somehow made you feel like this wasn’t something you could come to me about. That was never my intention.”

“I know, I know. It just never really came up in conversation, you know?” Jensen lit another cigarette before continuing. “It was another two years after that before I discharged, and by then it seemed like ancient history. Just another one of the stories guys will tell when they get home from deployment.”

“And it was more than that to you, wasn’t it?” Jean asked sympathetically, studying his face closely.

“Yeah,” he said quietly, thinking back to how many dark nights those memories had gotten him through. “It was.”

“So what happened after that,” Jean asked, shifting on the bench so she could rest her head on Chris’s shoulder.

“I fucked up. Again.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, What A Night! Soundtrack 
> 
> 1\. In Your Room (Jeep Rock Remix) – Depeche Mode 2\. Time Is Running Out - Muse 3\. Closer – Nine Inch Nails 4\. Glory Box – Portishead 5\. Closer – Kings of Leon 6\. I’m On Fire – Bruce Springsteen 7\. Flesh – Simon Curtis 8\. Battery – Metallica 9\. The Only Time – Nine Inch Nails 10\. Say Goodbye – Dave Matthews Band 11\. She’s My Ride Home – Blue October 12\. The Rain Song – Led Zeppelin 
> 
> [Oh, What a Night! on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/user/1221018653/playlist/6Rt5ZQle4g9kFMd432lBcj)


	5. Deuces!

# 

# 

Jensen woke with a start early the next morning, unsure for a moment where he was. There was a warm body pressed up against his back, and as he shifted to roll over a large arm draped itself around his waist, pulling him closer. He closed his eyes, remembering the night before as he settled back down onto his side. 

Jared hummed deep in his chest, and nuzzled the back of Jensen’s neck. Rocking his hips slowly, Jared’s cock slotted into the crack of Jensen’s ass and Jensen moaned softly, closing his eyes at the sensation. “Good morning,” Jared murmured, continuing to rock his hips gently. 

Jensen rolled over slowly, kissing Jared deeply despite the sleep-sour taste in both their mouths. “Good morning,” he whispered back, taking Jared’s cock in his hand and giving it an experimental tug. Jared’s hips jerked and he groaned, closing his eyes and rolling his head back. 

Jensen took advantage of the movement and licked a line up Jared’s throat, nibbling on his ear and getting a growl as a reward. He kissed nibbled his way down Jared’s body, paying particular attention to the cut of Jared’s hips, simultaneously jealous of Jared’s muscle definition and unbelievably turned on by it. Reaching Jared’s cock, he looked up at Jared from under his eyelashes before looking back down and focusing on swallowing him down slowly, inch by inch. 

“Oh fuck,” Jared moans, and grips the sheets by his hips so hard his knuckles turn white. His hips move in little jerks, causing his cock to move past Jensen’s tonsils and into his throat. Holding his breath, Jensen slid down the last inch or so until he was nuzzling the soft curls at the base of Jared’s cock. He swallowed around it experimentally, and was instantly addicted to the stretch and slight pain of having Jared’s cock so far down his throat. Pulling up, he coughed slightly when the head tickled his tonsils, but he batted Jared’s hands away when Jared tried to pull him off.

Jensen glanced up at Jared, wanting to see his face. Jared had put a pillow behind his head so he could watch Jensen blow him, and from the half-lidded vaguely stupid look on his face Jensen figured he was doing pretty well. Jensen hummed around Jared’s cock, jacking the lower half while paying particular attention to the sensitive bundle of nerves underneath the head. He scraped it lightly with his teeth experimentally, and Jared let out a low curse.

Spit was running down Jensen’s chin and he was beginning to get a cramp in his shoulder from balancing on his elbow, but the sounds Jared was making encouraged him to continue. He began to move his head faster, sucking down farther and stroking faster until Jared was making an almost constant whine above him. Jensen wanted to make him come, wanted to swallow him down and just keep going afterward, but Jared had other plans. 

Jensen’s world suddenly shifted, and he found himself lying flat on his back with Jared above him, a darkly intent look on his face. Jensen’s legs sprawled wider, and Jared settled between him like he belonged there and always had. Jared reached a hand down and ran a finger gently around Jensen’s rim, and Jensen moaned. 

“How are you feeling this morning, Jen?” Jared continued rubbing softly, circling but never inserting the finger Jensen very much wanted.

“Like you ran me through with a baseball bat,” he teased, winking at Jared and rolling his hips.

Jared paused, his hand stilling. “Seriously? Shit, I’m so sorry, Jen.”

Jensen huffed a laugh, leaning up and kissing Jared softly. “I’m kidding. My ass is fine.”

“Alright, well. Are you sure you’re up for another round?” Jared looked so hopeful, but Jensen knew that if he said no, Jared would stop immediately.

“Yes, I’m sure. Now, hurry up and fuck me,” Jensen said, licking two fingers slowly and staring Jared in the eye. Maintaining the eye contact, he reached down and slid a finger into his hole, pistoning it in and out a few times before adding the second.

Jared leaned back and watched for a moment before reaching over and rifling in the nightstand drawer. He pulled out a tube of lube triumphantly and turned back to face Jensen, a darkly intent look on his face. Jensen watched him uncap the tube and spread way too much on his fingers, recapping the tube and tossing it to the side. Jared reached down and slid a finger beside Jensen’s two, and Jensen moaned at the suddenly slick sensation of his and Jared’s fingers sliding in and out of his hole. 

Jensen moans and twists his hips, legs spreading further as the fingers slide deeper. He pulls his out and Jared immediately slides in two more of his own, brushing Jensen’s prostate and setting off fireworks behind his eyelids. Twisting his wrist slightly, Jared continued to thrust his fingers in and out of Jensen’s hole as he leaned up and kissed Jensen deeply, and Jensen moaned at the sensation of being full all at once. “Wanna fuck you, Jen,” Jared said, grinding his cock against the bed. “Wanna. Can I?”

“God, yes,” Jensen breathed, wrapping a leg around Jared’s hips. “Please. Wanna feel you again.”

Jared carefully pulled his fingers out, wiping them on the sheet before uncapping the lube and spreading some on his cock. He tossed it onto the floor and jacked his cock a few times before lining up and sliding slowly into Jensen’s tight heat.

Jensen’s hole fluttered around him, and at first he felt vaguely uncomfortable. That feeling quickly changed to pleasure once Jared brushed his prostate, and Jensen couldn’t stop the choked-off moan from escaping his throat at that feeling. Finally, Jared stilled, all the way inside his body

Jared waited a moment for Jensen to adjust, kissing him slowly and rubbing a soothing hand along Jensen’s side. Jensen’s other leg swung up around Jared’s hips, and Jared chuckled.

“You good,” he asked breathlessly, and Jensen nodded.

“Yeah, I’m good.” Jensen made a face, then raised his head and shifted a pillow underneath. Leaning his head back once more, he sighed in contentment. “There, now I’m good.”

Jared began to move slowly, lowering himself on one elbow and cupping the back of Jensen’s head as he pumped in and out of Jensen’s ass. Jensen had never been a fan of eye contact during sex, and he was beginning to understand why: Jared was inside him and on top of him and surrounding him, and the way they were staring into each other’s eyes just added to the feel of intimacy that was building between him. This was not fucking, not as Jensen was used to doing. This was something else entirely new, and he wasn’t sure what to do with that. As much as he wanted to close his eyes or look away from Jared, he found himself immobilized, paralyzed by the warm velvet punch to the gut feeling of Jared moving slowly within him.

A lock of hair had fallen in front of Jared’s eyes, and Jensen softly brushed it behind his ear, moaning softly when Jared twisted his hips and began to nail Jensen’s prostate on every thrust. Jensen reached back and ran his nails from Jared’s ass to the nape of his neck, and Jared retaliated by kissing him deeply, nipping his bottom lip before leaning back and staring into Jensen’s eyes once more. 

Jensen groaned deeply, arching his hips so his cock grazed the contours of Jared’s abs. Jared began to move slightly faster, snapping his hips sharply on each thrust. Jensen could feel himself sweating in the cool air of the early morning, and as he ran his hands down Jared’s back he could feel the hot skin becoming sweat-tacky as well. 

“Please,” he whispered, knowing how much Jared liked it when he begged. The sensations of being full and surrounded and hot and cold were beginning to be too much; his skin felt as though it were stretched too thin over his frame, and his blood was like a forest fire rushing through his veins. 

“Don’t worry, sweetheart. I’ve got you,” Jared said, holding onto Jensen’s hips and leaning backward slowly, pulling Jensen with him until he was laying on his back with Jensen sitting astride him. The new position makes Jared feel even bigger, something Jensen hadn’t known was possible. 

Jensen settled his legs on each side of Jared’s thighs and shifted experimentally, almost shouting when Jared’s cock nailed his prostate. Jared gripped his hips tight enough that Jensen knew he’d have bruises later, ad began raising and lowering Jensen, guiding him into a rhythm that had both of them breathing heavily in moments.

Jared removed a hand from Jensen’s hip to grip his cock loosely, causing Jensen to thrust up into his hand and back down onto his cock in an unending loop of pleasure. Jensen could feel that familiar tightness building in his balls, and his thighs began to tremble from the feelings that were pouring over him. “Jay, I’m gonna…”

“Come, Jensen,” Jared growled, snapping his hips up and nailing Jensen’s prostate so hard he saw stars. Sobbing, Jensen arched his back and came, shooting all over himself and Jared. He vaguely felt Jared holding his hips and thrusting up into his body, crying out Jensen’s name as he came as well.

Jensen collapsed into a sweaty heap on top of Jared, fighting to catch his breath and willing his heart to stop pounding so hard. He shifted slowly off of Jared and onto his side when he felt able to move, rolling onto his side and wincing at the feeling of the tacky come drying on his stomach. He moved to get up, thinking to go rinse himself off, but was stopped by Jared grabbing his hand and pulling him back into the bed. 

“Jared, this shit’s gonna be really uncomfortable when it dries,” he said crossly as Jared put an arm around Jensen and pulled him close.

“Shh. Sleep now, clean up later,” Jared murmured, and Jensen rolled his eyes. Settling further into the bed, Jensen smiled to himself, glad he’d taken a chance and asked Jared out the night before. He drifted off again, dreaming of croissants and coffee for breakfast.

 

Jensen woke up again slowly, warm and comfortable in the soft sunlight streaming through the bedroom windows. He sat up and blearily looked over at the clock and, seeing that it was three o’clock in the afternoon, groaned softly before rolling onto his back and staring at the ceiling. Jared had opened the heavy curtains at some point, and now a soft breeze was ruffling the sheer curtains. He stretched unhurriedly, enjoying the burn in his muscles and faint soreness in his ass. He sat up blearily and crossed his legs, looking at the fading red marks around his wrists and smiling. It had taken a while to get to this point, a lot of second-guessing himself and denying what he wanted, but he was finally here. The floor creaked, and Jensen looked up to see Jared standing in the doorway, staring at him with a soft, fond expression on his face.

“How’d you sleep,” Jared asked, setting a steaming cup of the coffee on the nightstand next to Jensen. He crawled onto the bed, carrying his own cup carefully.

Jensen took a sip, uncaring of the positively pornographic moan he made as he swallowed. “I haven’t slept like that in a long time,” he rasped. He stared at his coffee cup for a moment before raising his eyes. “Jared, about last night.”

Jared’s phone rang, and he made a face. “I really have to take this. I’m sorry,” he said sheepishly. He stood from the bed, setting his coffee cup on the nightstand. “I’ll be right back, promise.”

Jensen nodded, and Jared padded out of the bedroom to grab his cell phone from the kitchen, where he’d plugged it in the night before. There was the sound of the patio door opening, and Jared answering the phone with a lowered voice. “Allo?”

Jensen sipped his coffee for a moment, enjoying the peace of the birds chirping outside and the warm, soft feeling suffusing his body. Finishing his cup, he decided to pour himself another cup after cleaning himself off. He didn’t have his bag with him, so hopefully Jared wouldn’t mind his using the soap in the shower. 

Stepping into the kitchen, he paused as Jared’s voice came through the partially open patio door.

“I’m sorry, I can’t really talk too loud, I have a friend over… No, nothing serious. You know you’re the only girl for me… I love you too… I miss you too… How have you been?”

Jensen ducked into the bathroom and did a quick cleanup, shaking with anger and disappointment in himself for overthinking everything. He was still sore from the night before, still remembered all the things they’d said to each other, but was realizing that things said in the heat of the moment and what was said during the morning after could mean something completely different. 

He ducked back into the bedroom and got dressed, angrily shoving his phone and wallet in his jeans pockets. Jared walked back in from the patio as Jensen was looking for his boots.

“Are you taking off? I thought we’d get to talk for a bit longer,” he said, leaning against the doorjamb and staring at Jensen in surprise.

“Yeah, Mike called. We’ve been called back to base a few days early for training exercises.” Jensen felt badly for lying about anything relating to his service, but it was the one excuse he knew Jared wouldn’t argue with.

“Oh, that sucks. I’d hoped we’d have more time together. There’s some things that we still need to talk about, you know?” He said, expression so sad that Jensen had started to hate himself a bit, like he’d kicked a puppy. Then he remembered what he’d overheard Jared saying on the balcony, and his anger returned full force. 

“Yeah, well, shit happens. What can you do? Besides, it’s not like this was ever supposed to be anything, right?” He said, snidely. “You’re busy with school and work, and I just re-upped for another four years. Seriously, where the fuck is my other boot!” 

Jared reached behind the armchair in the corner and pulled out the missing shoe, handing it to Jensen. 

Jensen sat down to tie them, ignoring the way the bed still faintly smelled like sex. 

“Jensen, I don’t know what you want me to say. I never meant to make you think this was a one-night thing. Why would you think that?” He asked, his voice shaking slightly. 

“Because that’s the way it has to be right now. Listen, thanks for the good time, but that’s all this was. You helped me scratch an itch, and now it’s time for me to leave.” He paused, hoping Jared would say something that would explain what he’d heard, something about trying to work things out or trying a long distance thing.

Jared just stood there with a confused and hurt expression on his face, and Jensen realized that Jared wasn’t going to explain. He shrugged into his jacket and paused at the door, taking a deep breath. “Look, I’m sorry. This is just the way it is.”

Jared took a short, pained breath. He stared down at his feet for a moment, then nodded slowly and cleared his throat. “You’re right, this was a mistake,” he whispered sadly. “I shouldn’t have done this. I shouldn’t have said yes last night.” Jared’s voice broke, and he angrily wiped at his eyes. Jensen reached out a hand to touch his arm, and Jared angrily swatted it away. “I was an idiot to think this was going to turn out any differently.”

“Jared, I…” Jensen paused, unsure of what to say. 

“Just leave, Jensen. Please? Just go.” Jared turned and stood at the doors leading to the patio, facing outside and away from him.

Jensen took one last look around the apartment, trying to figure out where things had gone so wrong. Opening the door, he heard Jared’s voice one last time.

"I wish you were the one that got away.”

He walked out the door and raced down the stairs, bolting out of the building and almost knocked over several teenagers walking down Rue Saint Anne. He ran across the street onto Rue Villedo, and walked quickly. He managed to make it as far as the statue of Molière at the end of the street before he had to stop and lean against the side of a building to catch his breath, tears blinding him. Ringing in his ears, he could still hear the last words Jared said to him, said in a small, hurt voice. 

~~~~~~

There was complete and utter silence in the bar, the air so still Jensen could hear the rush of blood in his ears. Chris was staring at him with an uncomfortable look on his face, as though he wasn’t sure whether to punch or hug Jensen. Chad looked furious, his face red and splotchy. He’d grown increasingly agitated as Jensen told that part of the story, and when he’d started repeatedly flexing his hand into a fist before relaxing it, Sophia had reached down to hold his hand, resting her other hand on his arm before rubbing it up and down in a comforting gesture.

“Jensen.” Chad said slowly, clearly trying to figure out how to best phrase what he said next. “You’re a fucking idiot.”

“Gee, thanks Chad. I don’t know what I did without your advice all these years.” Jensen said gruffly.

“Yeah, I kinda agree with Chad on this one. Why didn’t you give him a chance to explain?” Jean asked, lifting her head from Chris’s shoulder. “What would five more minutes have hurt?”

“Would you have stuck around after hearing that conversation?” Jensen snapped, staring at Chad coldly feeling cornered. “Especially without having explained or apologized for what happened in 2003, knowing you had just re-upped for four more years, and could get discharged if anyone ever knew what happened that night? At all? Ever?”

“Even so,” Chad argued, “did you stop to think about who he might have been talking to?” He leaned back in the booth with a gloating look on his face, like he knew something Jensen didn’t.

“Should I have? It seemed pretty cut and dry at the time, to be honest. I was just a good time, nothing more, nothing less. Even knowing he’s gay now doesn’t change that. I know what I heard that morning,” Jensen said defensively, really not liking the way Chad’s smirk grew.

“It was Saturday afternoon, right? Around 3:00?” Chad prodded.

Jensen snorted. “I dunno, maybe? The fuck does that have to do with anything?”

“That was his mother on the phone, you fucking idiot.”

“I… what? That doesn’t even make any sense. It would’ve been what, 4:00 in the morning in Chicago?” Jensen shook his head angrily, downing the rest of his whiskey and pushing the glass towards the middle of the table.

Chad raised an eyebrow. “8:00am, you shitboat. If you don’t believe me, I can call Momma Sherri now. She’ll tell you the same thing. They had a weekly phone date the entire year he was there, 8:00 am her time every Saturday.” Chad thumped a fist on the table in victory, heedless of the way it made the glasses on the table rattle where they touched.

“Why didn’t he say anything, if that was the case? Why did he just let me walk out without trying to explain?”

“Because, you orphaned sock, he loved you and you were walking away, again. Emphasis on again. Did I mention this was the second fucking time you walked away without an explanation, you fucking cockwaffle?”

Tom laughed, making Mike jump. “Okay, okay. We get it, Chad. Jensen is an absolute fucking walnut, a useless fungal infection, a wobbly chair leg, a soggy lampshade and whatever other insults you might come up with tonight.” At Mike and Chris’s horrified expressions, he shrugged. “What? I have a Tumblr too.”

Jean rolled her eyes. “So, that was what, 2006? You came home in 2010.” She shuddered, clearly recalling that winter and how cold it had been. “I only remember because I was starting to think about buying the bar, and you came in here and started making all these suggestions on how I could fix the place up.”

“I still don’t get why you’re mad about that. From the looks of this place, you used most of my suggestions,” Jensen countered, looking pointedly around the bar.

“Because I was only 26 years old and had no idea what I was doing?” Jean asked archly, fiddling with the pint glass in front of her.

“Yeah, but look at this place now- It’s busier now than it ever was when Nathan owned it, and we both know you’re thinking about doing it again with another pub,” Jensen argued, and Jean raised an eyebrow.

“I am?” 

“It would be stupid not to. Real estate prices are still low, but the economy’s starting to come back. People want a place they can go, somewhere to listen to live music and get great food. You’re the only bar I know of in the suburbs that takes reservations, Jean.”

Jean looked around the group, seeing everyone nodding emphatically. She sighed and rested her forehead on the table, and Chris rubbed her back comfortingly. “You don’t have to do it right away, sweetheart, but Jen’s right. Now is the perfect time to do this, if you’re going to.”

“We aren’t talking about me right now, Ackles. I’ll take your suggestion into consideration, but right now we’re talking about you and your inability to see a good thing when it’s right in front of your face,” she said heatedly, then winced. “Oh god, I’m sorry. That came out way more harshly than I meant.”

Jensen waved away the apology. “No, you’re right. That’s the whole reason we’re having this little impromptu intervention for me, isn’t it?” 

“Well, I don’t know if I’d call it an intervention, per se…” Chris started, but Chad cut him off before he could finish.

“I would.” Chad stared at his hands for a long moment before speaking again. “Look, Jensen. I know you and I haven’t always been the best of friends, but you gotta see where I’m coming from here. You leaving the way you did fucking wrecked Jared.”

“To be fair, Jensen was a wreck himself that night, when he came back to the hotel we were staying at,” Mike pointed out, speaking up for the first time in a while.

“You barely said two words to us the whole night, and when we were all getting ready to go out that night, you said you were going to turn in early and holed up in your room,” Tom explained, glancing at Mike for confirmation before turning back to stare at Jensen. “Why didn’t you say anything, Jen? You know neither of us would’ve said anything.”

“I just… I think I shut down after I left, to be honest. I wandered around the city for the rest of the day, trying to figure out how to get back to the hotel we were staying at. I didn’t call, because calling would make where I’d been and what I’d done real. I took pictures of random shit, anything that caught my eye, until I made my way back. And when you guys asked me if I wanted to go out again, it reminded me of everything from the night before and… I just couldn’t deal with it.” 

Jensen paused, staring at the rocks glass in his hand thoughtfully. “To be honest, I still haven’t looked at the pictures I took that day. I have no idea if they’re good or shit, and I don’t know if I’ll ever want to.” Jensen’s voice trailed off, and he finished off the whiskey in his glass. “So, yeah. I came back to Chicago a couple years later, we hooked up again, and here we are.” 

Chad pointed his bottle of beer at Jensen, shaking his head in disbelief. “Are you kidding me right now? Stop. You skipped a whole bunch of shit and you know it.” 

“What,” Jensen asked, lighting up another cigarette and smirking. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“You completely skipped over the last year, Jensen. What about the honeymoon phase?” Chad asked, wiggling his eyebrows. 

Jensen frowned. “Hanging out with the guy at his house and a few shows doesn’t exactly count as-“ 

“Shut up and start from when you got home, asshat.” Chad demanded, finishing his beer and putting the empty on a nearby table. He reached into the bucket on the floor and pulled out a fresh one, opening it with a flourish. “Or would you rather I told that part?” 

Jensen cast a pleading look in Chris’s direction, but his friend only shook his head. “Much as it pains me to say it, I agree with Mayhem. If you want us to see things from your point of view, you gotta tell us everything, Jen. There was a lot you skipped over.” 

Jensen glanced at Mike and Tom as a last resort, but they were eating popcorn from a bag that Jean had left over from the New Year’s party the week before. Both wore similar expressions of glee, and it reminded Jensen of the expression on his own face watching Jerry Springer episodes after high school was out for the day. 

“I don’t…” Jensen paused, taking a drag on his cigarette and ashing it into the tray. “I don’t know where to start. A lot happened this last year.”

Jean reached over the table and rested a hand on his. “Just start at the beginning, sweetie. And work your way forward from there.”

His mind wandered back to that day and the ensuing years before he came back to Chicago like a prodigal son in need of comfort; he’d been shot once, stabbed twice and never told Jared about either experience. Jensen logically knew Jared had seen the scars, but he’d never asked for the stories behind them and for that Jensen was beyond grateful for that. Some wore their scars as badges of courage, but Jensen… Jensen didn’t.

Coming back to Chicago had been a strange experience; places he remembered from 2002 had been torn down and replaced with other buildings, and most of the people he’d known from high school had moved on to bigger and better things. He lived with his mother for a bit at her insistence, but eventually moved in with Chris at his house in Downers Grove. 

He started going to the gym every day, not wanting to get out of shape like so many of his battle buddies had after discharge. Mike and Tom discharged at the same time about a month later and moved into an apartment downtown, surprising exactly no one. It helped to have them around again, gave him focus and someone to talk to that had seen the same things, gone through the same things he had. His mom, bless her heart, had tried setting him up with the daughters of some of her friends from work. He went on a few dates, but he never really took an interest in any of the girls, and he couldn’t figure out why. 

He began to do photography again, going downtown early in the morning and taking pictures all day of anything that caught his eye. Jensen invested in some good walking shoes and explored parts of the city he’d never been to, and that was how he came across Boystown. He’d known the neighborhood existed, of course; every teenager in the suburbs had heard of the neighborhood near Wrigley Field, full of stores with names like The Alley, Taboo Tabou and Ragstock. It was also known as the gay part of town, and Jensen was amazed to see rainbow flags hanging from almost every building, as though the neighborhood was aware of its reputation and reveled in it. Jensen decided that, since none of the girls his mother had introduced him to were doing it for him, maybe a guy would.

He decided to try Berlin first, and that was when he ran into Jared again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Deuces! Soundtrack
> 
> 1\. Existentialism on Prom Night – Straylight Run 2\. Beautiful Mess – Diamond Rio 3\. Tiny Vessels – Deathcab for Cutie 4\. Assassin – John Mayer 5\. Sexual Power Trip – Blue October 6\. Forget It – Breaking Benjamin 7\. Country Song – Seether 8\. No Light, No Light – Florence + The Machine 9\. Shirtsleeves – Ed Sheeran 10\. Your Woman – White Town 11\. Into The Ocean – Blue October 12\. The One That Got Away – The Civil Wars 13\. Mistakes We Knew We Were Making – Straylight Run 
> 
> [Deuces! on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/user/1221018653/playlist/1lvuA9CCk1q4jwv8zHN6zh)


	6. Another Chance?

# 

# 

Chicago, November 2010

 

It was unusually warm for a November evening in Chicago, Jared mused as he walked down Belmont with a few friends from work. Passing the sex shop Egor’s Dungeon and its bright neon lights, he was reminded of his old neighborhood in Paris and felt a wave of nostalgia.

Since moving back to the States and finishing his degree in Architecture, Jared managed to land a job with Jeffery Dean Morgan at a firm in Chicago. He’d received glowing reviews from Mr. Cortese and the several of the other partners at the firm he’d worked at in Paris; Jared had become known for his good work ethic and willingness to do more than his fair share of work in order to make sure a project went smoothly. 

When he graduated, he’d received job offers from several firms in Chicago, but it seemed a logical choice to work with his one-time boss’s friend. Jeff and Mr. Cortese had worked together on several jobs over the years, including one while Jared was still with the Parisian firm. Jeff had taken Jared under his wing and personally introduced him to several of the contacts the firm worked with on a consistent basis, making sure to tell them all how happy he was that he’d snatched Jared up before anyone else could hire him.

The first year had been difficult, Jared trying to acclimate to the way the small firm worked together, but it didn’t take long before he became a part of the family. It helped that his boss was demanding yet fair in his project assignments, making sure to use his team’s talents to the furthest of their abilities. The people Jared worked with were a driven group, but also a lot of fun to hang out with after work.

They were a noisy crowd, out to celebrate Jared’s closing of a highly sought-after deal with an avionics firm based out of Seattle. They were headed to Berlin for drinks and dancing, and Jared was excited about getting lost in the throb of the music after so many weeks of working late hours and weekends. Walking up to the entrance of the club, a nondescript beige building nestled between a cellphone repair shop and a fast food joint, he thought he saw Jensen out the corner of his eye, standing near a group of people waiting in line. When he looked again, Jensen was nowhere to be found. 

Jared sighed and shook his head; it had been happening more and more lately. At first he’d approached the men, only to be disappointed when the eyes were wrong or the mouth wasn’t as full as the one that had kissed him stupid. He had to chalk it up to wishful thinking on his part, and it had become something of an inside joke among the friends he went out clubbing with.

Handing the bouncer his ID, he stood patiently while it was checked and his hand was stamped. The music was loud even outside, and the humid air pouring from the partially closed door made him glad he’d stuck to a form-fitting white tank top and jeans instead of something heavier.

Stepping inside, the thumpa thumpa bass was so loud Jared could feel it in his chest and he smiled widely, feeling truly free again for the first time in weeks. After getting a few starter shots with his friends, Jared made his way to a clear spot on the floor and started dancing. Raising his hands above his head, he moved his hips to the beat and lost himself in the music the way he loved to do. Time seemed to blur; at one point he realized he was dripping with sweat, so he stripped out of his tank top and tucked it into his back pocket, causing the guys around him to cheer and wolf-whistle at him. 

When the DJ released a blizzard of streamers onto the dance floor, Jared decided it was a good time for a break. He made his way across the sticky floor, pausing to say hi to people he recognized and check in with the people he’d come to the club with. Leaning up against the bar, he motioned to the bartender and got a bottle of water, downing most of it quickly and pouring the rest over his head. 

Scanning the crowd again, he was disappointed by his lack of options. It had been months since he’d had time to go home with someone, and he’d been hoping to find someone to play with tonight. Despite having been propositioned several times, he found himself unimpressed with the crowd at Berlin- He’d been coming here long enough to know a lot of the people here, and while Jared didn’t think of himself as conceited, none of them had the lush lips or the right shade of green eyes. They were all too tall or too short, and as much as he wanted to get laid, he realized that maybe it was time to head to Roscoe’s and try his luck there.

He found his friends again, motioning that he wanted to head out but had to make a pit stop first. They nodded, indicating they wanted to leave as well. He made his way to the bathroom slowly, pushing through the throng of people in the back of the room. 

Stepping into the strangely empty bathroom, he immediately heard someone saying no, over and over, slurring and desperate.

“Thought you said you wanted it rough, bitch. You chickening out on me now?” There were sounds of a struggle in the handicapped stall, and a cry of pain that was quickly shushed. “That’s it, sweetheart. Easy now.”

Jared crossed the room and knocked on the stall door. “Everything okay in there?”

“Mind your own fucking business, asshole.” Came the voice from the other side of the door, and Jared shook his head. Suddenly, a tapping could be heard from inside the stall. Three quick taps, three slower ones, then three fast ones again. Jared realized that whoever was in the stall was signaling for help, and kicked the door down. It took him a moment to realize what he was seeing, and when it came to him he saw red.

Jensen was straddling the toilet, the man’s belt wrapped around his throat while he braced against the wall with his hands. His shirt was torn and dirty, and his face was red where the other man had obviously struck him repeatedly. There were tear tracks on his face, and when he lifted his head Jared could see the blind panic in his eyes. The man’s hand was clenching Jensen’s shirt, clearly holding him against the wall while he pulled the belt tighter.

“Let him go, man. You don’t want a fight, do you?”

“Get in line, buddy. This guy is such a slut he’ll be more than willing to take you next.” The man turned back to face Jensen, clearly unconcerned by the 6’4” of muscle standing behind him.

“I said, let him go.” Jared said, his voice going lower as he spoke. “Or I will make you. And you don’t want that.”

“Hey, man. I was here first. What are you going to do, fight me for him? Little faggot like him isn’t worth it.” The man leaned over and spat in Jensen’s face, and Jared had had enough.

Lightning fast, he punched the guy in the face with his right hand, then caught him in the stomach with his left as he began to fall. A quick jab with his right again left the man out cold on the dirty bathroom floor, and Jared couldn’t find it in him to pity him at all.

Jared rushed to Jensen’s side, loosening the belt from his throat and holding him upright as he coughed and sucked in shuddering breaths. “Jensen, Jen. You’re okay. You’re safe now, I swear.”

“Jared?” Jensen’s eyes swam up to meet Jared’s, but he seemed to have trouble focusing on any one thing. He realized Jensen was drugged, probably on molly, and Jared cursed himself for not looking harder for Jensen when he thought he’d seen him earlier. “It’s not really you. It never is,” Jensen mumbled, looking down at his hands. “I feel funny.”

“Jensen, it’s me, I swear,” Jared said, gently tipping Jensen’s head up so he could look him in the eye. “See, it’s really me.”

Jensen’s eyes widened in recognition, and his smile was so wide that it made Jared’s heartache. “Jared. Your hair is really soft,” he said, running one of his hands through Jared’s hair. “I missed you.”

Jared’s throat felt tight for a moment, and he sighed. “Yeah, I missed you too, Jen. Are you hurt?” Jared asked carefully, helping Jensen out of the stall and to the sinks. He leaned Jensen against the counter and wet a paper towel with lukewarm water, starting the process of cleaning up Jensen’s face. “Do you want me to take you to the hospital?”

Jensen jerked away, his eyes going wide in pain and fear. “No, please. No hospitals. Chris can’t know about this. I’d never hear the end of it.”

“Well, I can’t exactly leave you here, Jensen.” Jared paused, looking Jensen over. “Look, don’t take this the wrong way, but I really do not feel comfortable leaving you here. Do you want to come stay at my place for the night? I don’t live too far from here, and you could go home tomorrow.”

Jensen hesitated for a moment, then nodded. “Are you sure? I don’t want to impose or anything.” He said, standing up a bit straighter. 

“No problem. Just let me tell my friends I’m gonna head home, okay?”

“Wait, no. You’re here with friends, and I don’t want to ruin your night. I’ll figure something out.” Jensen countered and turned to go. Before he could get far, Jared reached out and grabbed him by the arm, spinning him around.

“Jensen,” Jared said, using what he thought of as his Dom voice and feeling like shit for doing it. Right on cue, Jensen went soft and pliable in Jared’s arms. “You’re coming home with me so I can take care of you, okay?”

“Okay,” Jensen agreed in a small voice, and followed Jared out of the bathroom. The absence of Jensen’s usual snark made Jared happy he’d made the decision to take Jensen home; in his current state, there was no way to be sure that some other asshole wouldn’t try to take advantage of him.

Finding his friends waiting for him in the entrance, Jared made his excuses and promised to see them all Monday morning. Walking out of the club, he wrapped an arm around Jensen’s shoulders to pull him close and raised the other to hail a cab. One stopped right away, and Jared thanked anyone listening for that stroke of luck. Giving the cabbie the address quickly, he ushered Jensen into the cab first and made sure to get his seatbelt fastened before putting on his own. The cab driver raised an eyebrow but said nothing, and Jared made a mental note to tip well.

In the cab on the way back to Jared's place in Oak Park, Jensen kept reaching over to Jared, trying to get a hand down Jared’s pants while simultaneously trying to get a hand down his own. “Jensen,” Jared chastised, grabbing his wrist for the third time, “stop that.” Frustrated, Jensen pouted and threw his head back against the headrest, “Damnit, sorry. You’re probably dating someone.” He groaned. 

Jared frowned at him in confusion, and trying to not stare at Jensen’s pulse point on display like that, “I’m not seeing anyone,” Jared assured him while tossing the cabbie a glance from the corner of his eye, “but we’re in the back of a cab and I don’t feel like getting arrested tonight.”

Jensen’s eyes looked far too hopeful when he turned back to look at Jared. “Yeah?” He asked missing casual by a mile and putting his hand back on Jared’s thigh. 

Jared grabbed Jensen’s hand and laced their fingers together to keep it from wandering. He offered the cab driver an apology, which was laughed off while the music was turned up louder. 

After they finally arrived at the apartment, Jared paid the still laughing cabbie and dragged Jensen out of the cab. Shuffling to the security door at the front of his building, he slowly entered the security code and opened the door with one arm while holding onto Jensen with the other.

He leaned Jensen against the wall at the base of the stairwell, and sighed. He lived on the third floor, and while he’d kept up with his Parisian workout regimen, he didn’t think he’d be able to carry a clingy Jensen up the three flights of stairs. 

“Hey Jensen, I need you to listen to me for a moment, okay?” Jared said slowly, snapping his fingers in front of Jensen’s face in order to get his attention.

“Your eyes are really pretty,” Jensen murmured, swaying closer to Jared and closing his eyes. His lips pursed, and Jared realized Jensen was waiting for a kiss.

“Jensen, I’ll kiss you when we get upstairs. I need you to listen to me for a moment, first. Can you do that for me?”

“Oh. Okay, sure. What’s up?” Jensen asked, leaning against the wall in what Jared assumed was supposed to be a seductive pose.

“I live on the third floor, and I don’t think I can carry you up the stairs by myself,” he replied, swatting Jensen’s hand away when he reached a hand under Jared’s shirt.

Jensen pouted and swayed, looking like a milk-drunk kitten. “Are you calling me fat?” He asked petulantly, patting his stomach. “I still work out, you know.”

“No, Jensen. I’m not calling you fat. I’m saying that I’m tired and more than a little drunk, you’re stoned out of your mind, and I’m not feeling up to being your pack mule tonight.”

“Well, fine then. We both know it’s just so you can stare at my ass on the way up anyway.” With a wink Jensen started climbing the stairs quickly, and Jared rolled his eyes before following him up, determinedly not staring at Jensen’s ass. Much.

Once they finally got to Jared’s floor, he grabbed Jensen’s belt to prevent him from continuing up the stairs and steered him to his front door down the hall. Propping him up in the doorjamb, he managed to get the keys out of his pocket and the door unlocked before he felt Jensen’s warmth against his back, and a hand gently running through his hair.

“’M really glad you didn’t cut your hair. Always liked it long.” Jensen murmured into Jared’s back. Jared thumped his head against the door before sighing deeply and opening it. He reached behind him and took Jensen’s hand, flicking on the entryway light and guiding him inside. 

Jensen flopped down onto the sofa, stretching out and moaning at the burn in his muscles. “I like this. Horizontal is good.”

“Are you feeling sick? Do I need to get you a bucket, Jen?”

“Naw, I’ll be fine,” Jensen drawled, the Texas thick and syrupy in his voice. He turned his head and began studying the DVD collection on the shelf of the coffee table intently, reading the titles to himself under his breath and making a noise of approval at the titles he recognized. 

Jared shook his head and turned to walk into the kitchen, assuming Jensen would be okay without supervision while he got a bottle of water and a couple aspirin from the cabinet. His eye was caught by a picture on the fridge, a picture Gen had given him shortly before he left Paris. It was from the night that he’d run into Jensen again, taken while he was dancing on stage. He looked amazing, every line of muscle standing out and shining in oiled shadow from the stage lights above. 

He’d kept it, though, because of the expression on Jensen’s face, just barely visible in the darkness of the audience. He’d looked hungry, the way so many of his patrons had while watching him dance. There was a longing in his expression as well, though- As though he was remembering the Jared that he’d known, and wanted to know the Jared on stage more than anything. It had taken a long time for Jared to accept what had happened that night, and even longer to understand what Gen had captured in that photo and reconcile that with what had happened the following morning. Jared knew there was no going back, but seeing Jensen that night had made him realize that maybe he wasn’t as over Jensen as he wanted to believe he was.

Shaking his head ruefully, he turned and walked back into the living room, only to be greeted with the sight of Jensen stripped completely naked and jacking his cock on the sofa. Jared almost dropped the bottle of water and aspirin, just barely catching it as he stopped in the doorway to quietly watch Jensen. His eyes were closed, his hips thrusting into his clenched fist as he moaned softly and turned his head from side to side. Raising a hand to his mouth, Jensen sucked on two fingers obscenely before lowering them between his legs. He gasped suddenly, and Jared groaned when he realized Jensen was fingering himself open on his couch.

Jensen’s eyes snapped open, and he smiled coyly. “What, do you need an engraved invitation? Get your cock over here, Jay. I want it.” He twisted his fingers, grunting as he arched his back in pleasure.

“I don’t think that’s such a good idea Jen,” Jared said firmly, stepping further into the living room and putting the bottle of water and aspirin down on the coffee table, careful to stay out of Jensen’s reach. Jensen eyed the items for a moment, then sluggishly turned his head to stare at Jared again. His hand never stilled its up and down motion on his cock, and Jared could hear the hitching in his breath each time his wrist twisted, pushing his fingers in and out of the hole Jared had spent the last three years jerking off to the memory of.

“Why the fuck not? I want it, you want it. We’re both grown-ass adults. What’s the problem?” Jensen asked, raising an eyebrow.

“You’re right, I do want you, but you’re not in a position to consent to anything right now, Jen. I’d be taking advantage of you, and I don’t want to do that.” Jared walked over to the ottoman near the sofa and opened it to remove a soft blanket and pillow from the storage compartment. He tossed the pillow to Jensen, who tucked it under his head and stared at him with a quirked eyebrow.

“You’re really serious about this, aren’t you?” Jensen asked, sounding more curious than upset.

“Yes, Jensen. You’re going to stay here on the couch and sleep this off, and I’m going to bed. Alone. If you still want to do this in the morning, then I’m more than willing to fuck you stupid. But not until then.” Jared knelt by the couch and tucked the blanket around Jensen, giving in to the temptation and gently kissing him on the forehead. “I’ll see you in the morning, okay?”

Jensen nodded, still staring at Jared with a confused look on his face. “You’re too much of a boy scout for your own good, Padalecki.”

Jared chuckled, but didn’t rise to the bait. “Goodnight, Jensen.” 

He stood once more and, after turning off the overhead light in the living room, made his way down the dark hallway to his bedroom and quickly closed the door. Stripping quickly, Jared started the shower and waited a moment for the cold pipes to heat up before he stepped inside. He stood under the spray for a moment, closing his eyes and breathing heavily. 

Seeing Jensen again after so long, he was painfully reminded of just how attracted he was to the other man, and how incapable he was of making a rational decision around him. Case in point, his cock was heavy and hard between his legs, and a part of him wanted to say fuck it, turn off the shower and go take Jensen up on his offer. A rational part of him understood, however, that that would make him no better than the asshole he’d found forcing himself on Jensen back at the club. Decision made, Jared shook his head and began soaping himself up, scrubbing hard to get the sticky sweat and funk of a Friday night in Chicago off his skin. 

Turning off the shower, he dried off and brushed his teeth, deciding to spend some quality time with his right hand before going to sleep. Opening the bathroom door, however, he saw a Jensen-sized lump in his bed. He stepped closer, intending to shake him awake, but stopped when he heard a small snuffling noise come from under the blankets. He lifted up the comforter to see Jensen fast asleep, curled into a small ball and cuddling one of his pillows with a small smile on his face. 

Shaking his head in amusement, Jared walked over to his dresser and pulled out a pair of boxer briefs. He stepped into them with care, mindful of the erection he was still sporting. After closing the shades and plugging in his phone, he crawled into bed next to Jensen, who unconsciously wiggled back until he was curled up next to Jared. Jared tried to inch away, to keep a respectable distance between them in his king bed, but Jensen made an unhappy noise and Jared realized he was good and stuck for the night. Sighing, he got comfortable on his side, and put an arm around Jensen. His last thought before he fell asleep is how dangerously natural this felt.

# 

Jensen woke slowly, his face warmed from the sun shining in his eyes. He lay still for a moment, cataloging the cotton feeling of his mouth and his aching head, but he felt fine overall. A sound of rapid clicking could be heard, but he figured Chris was working on the “Kane” website and ignored it. There was the scent of coffee in the air, and when he shifted slightly to relieve the ache of his full bladder, he realized the sheets he was lying in were much softer than he was used to. 

Jensen opened his eyes slightly to an unfamiliar bedroom. There were artistic photos of landmarks and houses in what looked like Paris on the wall across from the bed, and the thick area rug looked plush and soft against the dark hardwood of the floors. The nightstand next to the bed was littered with empty gummy bear bags and ticket stubs, and Jensen could just barely see a bottle of lube and some condoms in the ajar nightstand drawer. The windows were open slightly, and through the curtains moving in the breeze he could just barely make out part of the Chicago skyline. 

He turned his head slightly and saw Jared sitting in an armchair near the window with a laptop and notepad spread out in front of him. Jensen stared at him from under his eyelashes for a long while, with mounting horror, memories of the night before rushing back to him: The asshole in the bar and Jared saving him like some fucking knight in shining armor. The cab from the city, the streetlights a blur through the windows as he tried to touch Jared as much as possible. Jared telling him he’s single, then letting him down gently, and Jensen deciding to sleep in Jared’s bed instead of the uncomfortable sofa. 

Jared paused his typing to quickly scribble a note on the pad sitting on the armrest of his chair, then took a sip of coffee as he read something on the laptop. The sunlight shining through the window brought out all of the rich brown tones of Jared’s hair, and made his tan appear darker despite the winter chill outside. He seemed to have grown fully into his frame finally, and Jensen eyed the muscles rippling in his arms as he lifted his coffee cup and took another sip while making more notes on the pad. 

Jensen could still see traces of the sweet and unsure boy he’d known so long ago, as well as the handsome and seductive man he’d seen on stage at the club in Paris. This Jared, though- This Jared seemed driven, seemed to know what he wanted and had gone after it with single-minded determination. The bedroom they were in was by no means small, and from the white noise Jensen could hear from outside the building, it seemed Jared was living in a busy neighborhood somewhere near the city. Jared seemed to be doing alright for himself, and Jensen was proud of him for accomplishing as much as he had.

He shifted again, sitting up slightly and leaning on one elbow to see if his missing boxers were on the floor. “G’morning,” he rasped in Jared’s general direction, giving up the search for his boxers and sitting up. Jared turned his head from his laptop and stared at Jensen for a moment with an unreadable expression before relaxing into a soft smile. 

“Hey, good morning.” Jared stood slowly, stretching his arms above his head. A small strip of tanned flesh showed between the bottom of his shirt and the top of his jeans, and Jensen blushed, ducking his head.

“Sorry I slept so late. What time is it,” he asked roughly, wincing at the slight burn in his throat.

“Almost noon. You were sleeping so soundly; I didn’t want to wake you.” Jared walked to the empty side of the bed and sat down, handing Jensen a bottle of water from his side of the bed. “Are you feeling up to coffee? I’ve got another pot going in the kitchen.”

“Coffee would be great, thanks,” Jensen croaked, staring at his hands in his lap. The silence that fell between them felt awkward, and Jensen felt unsure what to say.

Finally, Jared stood up, clapping a hand on Jensen’s knee. “Why don’t you get cleaned up, and then we’ll get some coffee in you.” He walked to the dresser in the room, tossing a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt on the bed. “Bathroom’s right through that door. See you in a few?” Jensen nodded, and Jared left the room, closing the door behind him.

Jensen took a deep breath and flopped back onto the pillows, staring up at the ceiling. Resting his head on his arm, he closed his eyes for moment, basking in the scent of Jared on the sheets and the warmth of the sunlight streaming through the curtains. He was reminded of a similar morning three years ago, and another three years before that, and realized that he’d come to a precipice of sorts. He could leave again, go back to the apartment he was sharing with Chris and Steve, and life would go on as it had since he left the Army.

Or, he could stop running, take the chance that Jared would be willing to talk things out with him, and maybe find what he’d been looking for the night before at the club. That thought was what propelled him out of bed and into the bathroom, where he took a quick shower before changing into the clothes Jared had left for him. Fussing with his hair in the mirror, he stared at his face for a long moment, psyching himself up for whatever might come of the conversation to come.

Padding into the living room in bare feet, he stopped to fold the blanket and put it away in the ottoman, along with the pillow he’d abandoned the night before. Deciding he’d stalled enough, he made his way to the kitchen and paused in the doorway to take in the spread on the table.

Jared had kept himself busy while Jensen was in the shower; there were scrambled eggs with peppers and onions steaming in a bowl on the table, as well as a bottle of Cholula and a small bowl of salsa. A plate of toast was sitting to the side, and as Jensen moved to sit at the table there was a beep and Jared removed a carafe of coffee from the coffee machine. 

“You didn’t have to do all this for me, you know” Jensen sat down, rubbing a hand on the back of his neck in embarrassment. “I would have been fine with a cup of coffee and a kick out the door.”

“I… I got nervous, I guess, when you were in the bathroom for so long. It was that, or alphabetize my DVD collection again.” Jared explained, sitting down and pouring a cup of coffee for Jensen before pouring one for himself as well.

“Well, thank you. I really do appreciate this, and I owe you one for last night. You didn’t have to help me out, but you did. I don’t know what I would’ve done if you hadn’t shown up.” Jensen made it a point to meet Jared’s eyes steadily, wanting him to understand that he meant every word he was saying.

“It’s no big deal, honestly. You would have done the same for me.” Jared waved a hand, and moved to start dishing out the food. Jensen took a sip of coffee and closed his eyes, unable to stop the positively filthy groan he made as he swallowed. Jared chuckled quietly, and Jensen raised an eyebrow.

“You know, for years I thought I’d imagined that noise you make when you have your first cup of coffee in the morning. Guess not.” Jared said, smirking over the edge of his coffee cup. 

Jensen shrugged, then took another sip. “It doesn’t hurt that your coffee is fucking amazing.” He made another happy noise, then set down the mug and tucked into the plate Jared had loaded for him.

They ate in silence, Jensen with a hunger he hadn’t felt until he smelled the scrambled eggs. Luckily, Jared had made enough food to feed a platoon, and went for second and third helpings himself. Jensen watched Jared’s movements discretely, noting his slightly longer hair and sideburns. Jensen’s fingers itched to touch it, feel if it was as soft has he remembered. Jared’s face had lost the last of its baby fat and his cheekbones were more pronounced, causing his slanted eyes to look even more catlike. 

Jared set his fork down, his plate finally empty. Jensen finished his last mouthful and swallowed carefully, wiping his hands and face with a napkin and picking up the carafe to refill his and Jared’s mugs. “So, that was fucking amazing for something you just whipped up. Thanks, man.”

Jared smiled, lifting his mug and taking a sip of the coffee. “So, I’m guessing you want to head out soon, huh? Do you need a ride somewhere?”

Jensen stared at the coffee in his mug for a moment, liking the way the swirling cream looked like a tiny galaxy in his coffee. “Actually,” he said hesitantly, pausing for a moment to collect his thoughts. “I was hoping we might be able to talk for a bit.” He looked up at Jared, gauging the other man’s reaction to his words. 

Jared stared at him for a moment, completely still. Jensen could see the wheels turning in his mind, and wondered what was going through the other man’s head. Feeling exposed, Jensen stood and gathered the plates and other dishes, putting them in the sink and starting to run the water.

“Jen, you don’t have to wash my dishes. I can get that later.” Jared stood and walked over to the sink, resting a hand on Jensen’s forearm. He looked confused, like Jensen had surprised him with his offer to talk and he wasn’t sure how to proceed.

“I got it, man.” Jensen reached for the sponge, pulling his arm from Jared’s grip gently. “Why don’t you clear off the rest of the table and we’ll be done faster.” 

Jared nodded, and quietly moved to the table to begin putting the condiments and other items on the table back in the fridge. Jensen worked steadily on the dishes, scrubbing and rinsing and putting them in the dish drainer methodically. A kind of peace settled in the kitchen, and Jensen found himself humming under his breath as he worked. 

“What song is that? It sounds familiar.” Jared asked, and Jensen turned to see him sitting at the dining table again, his cup of coffee in his hands as he leaned back in the dining chair. His legs were spread slightly, and Jensen was suddenly gripped by the urge to kneel between his legs, see if Jared tasted the same as he remembered or if that had changed as well.

Jensen shook his head to clear it, then coughed. “It’s a John Mayer song, actually, but I can’t remember the title. It’s on some mix CD Chris made for me a couple weeks ago.”

“Ah. Sing some of it for me?” Jared leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, and Jensen realized he was serious- He really did want to listen to Jensen sing.

“Alright, well… Just remember, it’s been a while, alright?” Jared brushed off the warning with a casual wave, and Jensen turned to wipe his hands on the dishcloth before facing Jared again. He closed his eyes, and tapped out the rhythm on his thigh. “I want you so bad I’ll go back on the things I believe. There I just said it, I’m scared you’ll forget about me.”

“It’s Edge of Desire,” Jared said, shifting in his chair. The coffee machine beeped in the sudden silence, and Jared rose to refill their mugs. “You still want to talk?”

“Yeah. Is it cool if we sit in the living room, though? My ass is gonna fall asleep if I sit in one of those chairs any longer.”

“Yeah, sure.” Jared stood and walked out to the living room, and Jensen followed. “Oh, thanks for putting the stuff away for me. You didn’t have to,” Jared said, sitting down on the couch and setting his coffee mug on the end table.

Jensen sat down as well, crossing his legs underneath him and resting his feet under his thighs. He sipped his coffee and then nodded. “I should be thanking you for what you did for me last night. I know you say that I would have done the same for you, and that might be true, but I still want to thank you.”

Jared shook his head, staring at his coffee. “You know, it’s funny. Every once in a while, for the last few months, I thought I saw you at clubs and bars and a concert or two. But every time I got close to the guy, it wasn’t you. I figured you were still in the Army. And then when I finally do see you, it’s the worst scenario possible.”

“Yeah, as reunions go it’s not quite what I’d imagined, either,” Jensen commented, smiling ruefully. 

“Jared, I…” 

“Listen, Jensen…” 

They spoke at the same time, and Jensen motioned for Jared to continue. 

Jared paused for a moment and reached for his phone, putting it on silent and setting it back face-down on the coffee table. “I don’t want any interruptions this time.” Jensen nodded and did the same, wondering where this conversation was headed but knowing that he owed Jared an explanation for what he’d walked in on in that club’s bathroom. 

“Okay, so here’s the thing.” Jared started, “I know I don’t have the right to make demands of you, or order you around. I know that what happened between us in Paris doesn’t mean I have a binding claim on you now. But if you’re serious, really serious about experimenting with BDSM, I’m afraid that you’re going to get yourself into another situation like last night, and you’re not going to be able to get out of it.”

Jensen nodded. “Last night was stupid. I was dancing in the back of the club, some guy offered to buy me a drink. I wasn’t even interested in the guy, but hey, free drink you know? The next thing I know, everything’s fuzzy and he’s asking me if I like it rough. I don’t even remember going into the bathroom with him that clearly. The next thing I know, you show up, there’s streaky lights everywhere, I’m trying to get in your pants, and then I wake up in your bed.” He shrugged looking chagrined. “I wasn’t smart about it, and if you hadn’t come along when you did I don’t know what would have happened.”

“I have a proposition for you.” Jared started, and Jensen chuckled. “Seriously?”

“Sorry, man. Continue.” Jensen waved a hand, and Jared sighed and shook his head.

“Anyway. I think I have a solution to your problem. If BDSM is something you’re interested in learning more about, I’m willing to be your dom. I don’t think you know what to look for, or where to look. Not yet, anyway, and it honestly would fuck me up to have someone else touch you like that.”

Jensen felt strangely warmed by that admission, and feels something dangerously like hope blossom in his chest. “Yeah, I’m getting that. And if we’re being honest, I’ve been looking for someone who can make me feel the way you did, but everyone falls short before anything gets started.” Jared blushed and ducked his head down, and Jensen suddenly saw the boy from the trampoline sitting across from him on the couch. “How formal an arrangement are you thinking for this?” He asked, shifting on the couch.

“Well, I’d want to be exclusive, first of all. I know we didn’t use condoms in Paris, and as hot as that was, it was also incredibly unsafe.” Jared paused, staring at his hands. He looked up suddenly, his expression earnest. “I was clean, though. Still am.”

“While I was stateside, I got tested every three months. I wouldn’t have let anything happen if I wasn’t clean,” Jensen insisted, not wanting Jared to shoulder the blame for everything. “And yeah, it was hot. If it’s not a big deal, I think that if we kept up the routine of getting tested regularly, that could be a thing for us. I mean, if it’s something you would be interested in. Not that I think you’re a whore or anything. Or that there is anything wrong with that. Oh god.” Jensen bit his lip to stop his rambling.

Jared chuckled darkly. “Yeah, that could definitely be a thing. So, I’m thinking that we stay exclusive, but if one of us finds someone else they want to date, then we tell the other and the arrangement ends there. No hard feelings, no guilt.”

Jensen nodded, feeling that little sprout of hope inside him die. He knew he couldn’t ask for more from Jared, but that hadn’t stopped him from wanting to. Despite his track record of disappearing without explanation, he’d been hoping that this could be the start of something more. Still, Jared’s offer was more than he knew he deserved, and he’d make do with what he could get, and maybe- 

Jared brought him out of his thoughts when he began speaking again. “The thing is, I’d want to stay friends either way. We keep running into each other, and that has to mean something.” Jared leaned forward, face adorably earnest. “I have to believe that you keep coming into my life for a reason.”

Jensen nodded, that tiny hope in him sparking to life again. “Yeah, I think so too.” He was fully aware that he was staring at Jared with a dopey expression on his face, but couldn’t bring himself to care. “Definitely. So, no fooling around outside of this. Anything else I need to keep in mind?”

“As I recall, we didn’t really go over any of the particulars last time. Have you done any more research or experimenting since then?” Jared asked, fiddling with a tassel on the throw pillow in his lap.

Jensen felt his face flush hot. “I had a girl spank me until I cried in Berlin. Same girl used a silk tie to choke me while she rode me, and used a cock ring to keep me hard for fucking ever. Another girl liked to tie me up and cover me up in hickies, see how many bruises she could suck into my neck and chest.”

“Anything else?” Jared was staring at him intensely, and Jensen swallowed hard.

“Some other stuff, yeah, but that’s about the gist of it,” he said softly. “I mean, I wanted more, but I also wanted to get laid and some of the things I want are a bit much to bring up when you’re just hooking up with someone.”

“Like what? Be specific,” Jared said, still staring at Jensen with an intensity that was almost unnerving. 

Being the focus of all that attention left Jensen feeling like he was under a microscope, and he was surprised to find he almost liked it. “Breath-play. I like being choked when I’m fucking or being fucked. I also really like being tied up or tied down- Not so much my feet, but definitely my hands. I like pain, definitely, and I love marks- I want to be able to feel the welts and bruises and hickies for days. And… Yeah.” Jensen trailed off, suddenly feeling like he’d said too much and saying any more would be too much for Jared.

“And, what?” Jared pressed leaning closer. Jensen could see the front of his jeans were tented, and Jared wasn’t making an effort to conceal it.

Jensen cleared his throat and shifted, uncomfortably aware of his cock chubbing up in his sweatpants. “One of my biggest fantasies, turn-ons, whatever, is that I like to be surprised. I don’t want my partner to tell me everything they’re going to do to me, I want them to just do it. If it’s something I don’t like, I will safe word. But I like the not knowing.”

“And all of your…Experimenting, has been with women? No men?” Jared asked, resting an arm on the back of the couch, close enough to touch Jensen if he chose. Jensen leaned over slightly, feeling Jared’s fingertips brush his shoulder.

“No, not since Paris. No one ever really caught my eye,” he said honestly, not mentioning that no one besides Jared ever really had. He could appreciate men in an aesthetic sense, but Jared was the first guy he’d ever wanted to strip naked and climb like a tree. He didn’t want to come off as desperate, though, so he kept that to himself.

“I’m not gonna lie, Jen. That makes me feel extremely territorial. Like, borderline caveman.” Jared brushed his fingers against Jensen’s arm again, and the rasp of his voice made Jensen think of other places those fingers had been on his body and he trembled. “Do you have any hard no’s? Anything you absolutely do not want done to you?”

“I don’t want knives involved.” Jensen answered immediately. “And please don’t pee on me or ask me to call you Daddy. I’d rather you didn’t bring someone else in on a session so you can show me off, but I suppose that can be negotiated.”

“That’s…A pretty specific list, Jensen.” Jared looked mildly amused, the corners of his lips twitching.

“Hey, a guy gets bored when he’s on sentry duty. There’s not much else to keep yourself awake and alert so you might as well spend your time figuring shit out.” Jensen shrugged, smiling.

“Alright, so here’s the deal. Given that the things you want are all things I am more than willing to do to and for you, I don’t foresee us having any problems there. We can work with a safe word, but there might be times that you can’t talk, and we need to come up with some sort of non-verbal cue for that.”

Jensen stared at Jared, thinking quickly of the various hand signals he’d been taught for combat situations. He dismissed that idea, however, when he realized that most of them required full range of motion for one or both arms. Then the answer came to him, and he couldn’t believe it hadn’t occurred to him sooner. Jensen snapped his fingers repeatedly, and Jared nodded in understanding.

“Good choice. Most of all, I want you to understand that just because there's something that you’ve consented to in the past, it doesn’t mean you have to do it again if you’re not feeling it. I don’t want you doing anything that hurts you or makes you uncomfortable just because you think it’ll make me happy.”

“I will, if you promise to trust me when I tell you I want something,” Jensen said, studying Jared’s face for any hesitance. Seeing none, he relaxed and picked up his now-cold coffee cup, taking a long sip and finishing it with a grimace.

“Did you want another cup?” Jared asked, waving his empty mug.

“Naw, I’m good. If I have any more I’m going to be vibrating for the rest of the day,” Jensen answered, smiling ruefully.

“Fair enough. So, do you want to head home, think this over a bit?” Jared stood, stretching his arms over his head and revealing that same strip of tanned skin again. It looked soft, and Jensen felt his mouth water with the urge to lick it, see if Jared tasted as good as he’d imagined. He hadn’t gotten the chance to blow Jared again since that night on the trampoline, and he very much wanted to rectify that. He glanced up after a moment to see Jared staring at him with a smirk on his face, and Jensen knew his staring hadn’t gone unnoticed. 

“I know I should take off, but… I’m still feeling a bit off from last night. I want something good to replace the bad, you know? I mean, if you’re busy, I can take off.” Jensen trailed off, trying to figure out a way to ask Jared for what he wanted without seeming desperate, but there were only so many ways to ask someone to let you blow them.

Jared nodded slowly, his eyes taking on a predatory gleam. “Go get ready. Take another shower, brush your teeth, whatever it is that’s going to make you comfortable today. We’ll establish a routine for this eventually. I’m going to go get myself ready.” Jared walked down the hallway slightly before turning back. “Oh, and Jensen? You should call Chris so he doesn’t get worried about you.”

Jensen nodded and picked up his phone from the coffee table. Looking around the apartment, he noticed a set of French doors that opened to a covered balcony. The irony wasn’t lost on him as he stepped outside into the chilly November air, closing the door behind him. He scrolled through his call history and selected Chris’s name, putting the phone to his ear as it began ringing. Pacing from one end of the balcony to the other, he waited for his Chris to pick up while chewing on a hangnail.

It rang for a minute before going to voicemail, and Jensen was relieved; this meant he could avoid a potentially awkward conversation, as well as avoid lying more elaborately to his friend about what he was going to be doing for the rest of the day. He left Chris a voicemail telling him the cover story he decided on- He ran into Jared last night at a bar, and they ended up hanging out all night catching up on the last few years. He mentioned casually that they were going to hang out for the rest of the day, and not to wait up for him since Jared wants to show him around a few places downtown. 

Hanging up the call, Jensen took a deep breath and looked around the portion of Jared’s neighborhood that he could see from the balcony; it looked like several older Chicago neighborhoods, with street parking and small convenience shops on the corners. A gust of wind surprised him, and he looked out of habit to the north. There were dark, heavy clouds on the horizon, and he realized they were likely to get snow that night.

Stepping back inside, he closed the door behind him and walked down the hall, through Jared’s bedroom and into the bathroom. He started the water and turned on the shower head, adjusting the knobs until the water reached the perfect temperature. Stripping quickly, he stepped into the tub and began to clean himself thoroughly using Jared’s body wash and a clean washcloth Jared had let out for him. He scrubbed his skin until he was a rosy pink from top to bottom, his skin warm and sensitive.

Jensen turned off the water, standing in the tub for a moment and watching the last of the water swirl down the drain. He took a deep breath of steamy air, and rested his head against the tiled wall. He took a moment to catalog how he was feeling, emotions swirling inside his mind. He was nervous about what was going to happen when he stepped out of the shower, but not afraid of what Jared might do to him. He was also excited; it had been a long time since he’d been able to experience the kind of sex he really enjoyed, and knew for a fact that Jared would be able to do everything he needed and more. Lastly, he supposed he was hopeful that something more might grow out of their agreement, that he might be able to prove to Jared that this time he wasn’t going to run. 

Jensen climbed out of the shower, grabbing a towel and drying himself off quickly. He started to tie the towel around his waist, then realized that if Jared had wanted him to wear anything after the shower, he would have left it for him like he had the towel and washcloth. Shrugging, he opened the door and padded into the seemingly empty bedroom, using the towel to finish drying his hair. 

There was a click, and he turned towards the sound to see Jared leaning against the closed bedroom door, clad in nothing but black boxer briefs and a smile. There was nothing soft about the smile; it looked downright predatory, and Jensen shivered at all that smile promised.

“So, shall we?” Jared purred, pushing himself away from the door and walking towards Jensen, who found himself rooted to the spot. Jared gestured to somewhere behind Jensen, and he turned to see that the bed had been pushed away from the center of the room, and there was now a complicated network of looped straps hanging from two hooks in the ceiling.

“Is that what I think it is,” Jensen breathed, itching to get a closer look.

“You seemed to love the idea of the swing before,” Jared teased, standing behind Jensen and resting a hand on the small of his back. Jared leaned forward, the warmth of his body a hot brand on Jensen’s back as Jared licked a stripe up Jensen’s neck. “Safe word?”

“Romo,” Jensen replied, bending his neck so Jared could bite down on the cord of muscle. He arched onto his tiptoes when Jared reached an arm around and grasped his rapidly filling cock, breathing quickly and almost whining on every exhale.

“First Parcells, now Romo. What is it with you and the Cowboys?” Jared asked, pulling his hands back and gently nudging Jensen towards the swing. Jensen obediently walked the few feet to the straps and sat down experimentally on the widest strap. The material of the swing immediately warmed against his skin, and he was relieved when there were no ominous creaking noises from the support beam above his head. 

“You can take the man out of Texas…”

# 

The next few weeks flew by in a blur for Jared; he was given another difficult project by Jeff, who had begun talking about making Jared a partner in the firm sometime in the not-too-distant future. He was quickly grateful for his Paris experience of working in a larger, more fast-paced firm as the project progressed; his days were filled with mind-numbing activity with increasingly difficult demands from the Saudi clients the firm was working with.

His nights and weekends were filled with Jensen; since the two of them had started talking again, they found that they had a lot in common outside the bedroom and spent as much time together as possible. Their friends got along as well, and it quickly became normal to have the entire crew over for Bears games at Jared’s apartment, since it was the largest and most conveniently located for everyone. 

Thanksgiving was spent with their families; on a whim, Jared had invited Jensen over for the traditional dessert spread later on in the evening. Jared’s mother, Sherri, had welcomed Jensen like the long-lost son that he was, and the night was full of laughter and stories about Jeff and Jensen’s antics in high school. 

Sitting on the couch next to his sister, Jared remembered the awkward teen he’d been, so sure that Jensen would never look his way. His eyes met Jensen’s across the room, and he knew Jensen was thinking about it as well. Jensen winked at him mid-sentence, and Jared felt a warmth blossom in his chest. As long as it had taken them to get to where they were, he couldn’t regret it- The time apart had allowed them both to grow into the people they needed to be in order for a relationship to work.

In December, Jensen casually mentioned a growing desire to do photography professionally, and while out at a bar one night with some friends, Jared introduced him to his friend Alona Tal, who worked for an online music magazine. Jensen excitedly recounted the Rise Against show they’d been to the previous weekend, and before the end of the night Jensen had a job taking pictures at shows for the blog. They started going to concerts every weekend, and Jensen surprised him one night with a cork board in the living room, ticket stubs and pictures already pinned to the corners. The photos were of Jared and the two of them at each show, with the corresponding ticket stubs taped to the back of the pictures.

New Year’s Eve was spent at Jared’s apartment, at least fifty people crammed into Jared’s apartment. It was hot enough that they had to open all of the windows and the patio doors at one point, and even with sweat cooling uncomfortably on his back and the keg running out half-way through the party, Jared had never been happier. Everyone in attendance was a combination of Jared and Jensen’s friends; Chris and Steve were jamming together in the corner, and Chad kept drunkenly requesting Free Bird whenever they finished a song. 

Mike and Tom had made the decision to move back to Chicago after they both discharged from the Army, and Jensen had been unsure about inviting them until Jared had insisted on meeting them. Jensen was glad that he’d been talked into it; Mike and Chris got along well together, and Tom had been talking to Aldis Hodge, Jared’s co-worker, for hours. 

At some point, Jensen had cornered Jared in the entranceway to the apartment, kissing him hungrily and grinding against his growing hard-on. They broke apart quickly, however, when Mike walked into the hallway to grab something from his coat pocket. Jared had smiled in embarrassment while Jensen hid his face in Jared’s neck, but Mike simply winked. “Calm down, kids. I’m just here to grab my phone. Jensen, I may need you to help me hide a body later. I’m not sure, but I think Aldis is seducing Tom away from me with talk of spooning on poky computer parts.”

“Oh, come on, Mike. You know you and Tom are forever,” Jared teased. “And besides, Aldis came with Beth, his girlfriend.”

“That does not console me in the slightest, Jay. Did you see the way she’s staring at Chris?” Mike shook his head and walked back to the living room, leaving the two of them alone again. Jensen and Jared stared at each other in confusion for a moment, then shrugged and went back to making out in the hallway for another moment. Pulling apart reluctantly, they went back to the living room and their friends.

They kissed at midnight in the kitchen, watching the fireworks downtown from Jared’s window while their friends cheered in the living room Later, that night, Jensen fell to his knees smoothly in the bedroom and giving Jared the best drunken blowjob of his life.

Jared started looking for a house in January, and by February he’d found the perfect place: Located near the corner of Rt. 56 and Rt. 59 in Warrenville, it was a small two-story Craftsman house with a huge backyard, and a small copse of woods at the far back of the property. The best feature in Jared’s opinion was the large finished attic; with exposed beams and whitewashed walls, it would be the perfect playroom. The fact that it would be only a 30-minute drive to work sealed the deal, and Jared put in an offer without telling anyone.

Walking down Belmont Ave one day in late February, Jared’s eye was caught by a display of leather items in a store window. Stepping inside, the smell of leather and oil hung in the air and he breathed deeply, cock chubbing slightly in his work slacks. The store was small but well-lit, cozy and inviting in comparison to some of the other shops on the street. Industrial music came from speakers overhead, but at a volume that Jared could still hear himself think. 

He wandered the shop for a bit, admiring the craftsmanship of everything on display. Everything was polished and shining in the display cases, and the crops and whips hanging from the ceiling were made of leather instead of the novelty vinyl usually found in adult toy stores. Jared smiled to himself, imagining Jensen’s reaction to each of the items he saw. His gaze was caught by an amazingly detailed collar and cuff set on a table nearby; sitting on a red lacquered wooden box. Walking over, he picked up one of the cuffs and ran a finger over the detailing.

“Gorgeous, aren’t they,” came a voice from somewhere near his elbow, and Jared turned to see a curvy brunette standing next to him, eyes sparkling with mischief even as she extended a hand. “Rachel. Welcome to my store. Is there anything in particular you’re looking for today?”

“Jared,” he said, dwarfing her tiny hand in his. “I actually just came in here on a whim; my boyfriend’s birthday is coming up, and I was thinking about getting him something like these,” he said, holding up the cuff he was still holding.

“You have a good eye. I just got those in from the smith this morning, and I have to admit, he’s really outdone himself this time.” She picked up the matching cuff, unbuckling it to show him the softly brushed leather on the inside. Jared ran a finger along the inside of the cuff he was holding, and found it to be soft as butter and with a texture he knew Jensen would love.

“I’ll take the set,” he blurted, blushing slightly in mortification at his eagerness. All he could imagine was Jensen wearing the cuffs and collar, and knew it was something he absolutely had to see.

“You don’t even know what they cost. Are you sure you don’t want to look at anything else first,” Rachel asked, smiling and quirking an eyebrow in amusement.

“No, I’m sure,” Jared answered, staring down at the intricate Celtic knot detail on the cuff in his hand. “Does the box come with the set?” It wasn’t a deal-breaker, but the box was so beautiful that Jared found himself unable to imagine keeping the cuffs and collar in anything else.

“It’s a display box I found at an antique market, so I’d usually say no. But for you, I think I can let it go. Something tells me you’re going to be a repeat customer,” Rachel purred, winking at him before picking up the box from the table and gently putting the cuffs inside the box. She walked to the sales counter tucked in the corner of the store and Jared followed, watching as she carefully wrapped the pieces in silk before placing them in the box. “That’ll be $275, including tax. Do you want me to wrap this up for you?”

Jared could feel his eyes widen slightly, but reminded himself that the items in the box were handmade, and worth easily twice that for the look on Jensen’s face when he opened the box. Taking out his wallet and handing her a credit card, he nodded. “Do you mind? I’m terrible at this stuff,” Jared admitted sheepishly, and she laughed.

“It’s no problem at all.” Reaching under the counter, she pulled out a roll of black wrapping paper with a delicate damask design printed on it. Wrapping the box quickly, she placed it into a nondescript white paper bag with a business card and set it to the side. “Thank you very much for your business, Jared. I hope to see you again soon.”

“Oh, I’ll definitely be back again. Thanks, Rachel.” Jared stepped out of the shop and continued walking down the street, aware of the fact that he would have to take a later train than usual to get home but unable to find it in himself to care. He absentmindedly fed his Metra card into the card reader and made his way up the stairs to the train platform. He found himself glancing at the carefully wrapped box frequently, proud of himself for finding a birthday gift for Jensen so early, and not waiting until the last minute the way he usually did.

It was only when he was sitting on the train, watching as it pulled out of the tunnel at Ogilvie, that it occurred to him: He’d referred to Jensen as his boyfriend, and not just because it was easier than trying to find a way to explain what he was to Jared. Casual fuck-buddy didn’t come close, and friend wasn’t enough either. Logically he knew that there had been no discussion of the two of them dating, even as Jensen began spending every weekend at Jared’s apartment. The two of them had reasoned that it was more convenient than Jensen going home at night, since he was still living with Chris in Downers Grove. 

Giving Jensen the cuffs would be the easy part, Jared realized. Jensen understood what they signified, and loved being restrained during sex. No, the difficult part would be giving him the collar, and explaining what it signified: That their relationship was a thing, and Jared could see a future for the two of them in the house in Warrenville. 

Jared knew that Jensen had been making more of an effort to open up to him, and he appreciated that. Jared was still aware, though, that if he so much as mentioned the idea of something more permanent, Jensen was as likely to run as he was to stay. No, Jared decided, giving Jensen the collar would have to wait for a bit longer, no matter how much Jared ached to make Jensen completely his.

The days leading up to Jensen’s birthday were some of the most difficult Jared could remember; he almost broke down and gave it to Jensen several times, only to change his mind at the last minute. The day of, he took Jensen out to dinner at their favorite restaurant downtown, and then out for drinks at McRory’s, an Irish pub in downtown Lombard. Jean, a friend from the Bunker days, had purchased the bar from the old owner and painstakingly restored it to its former glory. She’d gone so far as to have old Irish snugs shipped from Dublin, where a historic pub was being demolished. 

Kane had played a show there the night of the grand opening, and Jared was happy to see that the place was still packed some months later. Jean was in high spirits, so much so that she comped their food and drinks and served them personally throughout the night. Upon finding out it was Jensen’s birthday, she half-lead, half-bullied the entire bar into singing Jensen Happy Birthday and presented him with a Guinness cupcake with Bailey’s frosting, complete with birthday candle.

Once they finally made it back to the apartment and stumbled through the front door, they were both more than slightly buzzed and the kind of elated that comes with 4 am. 

“I have a birthday present for you, Jen,” Jared said, taking Jensen by the shoulders and guiding him into the bedroom. He guided Jensen into sitting on the bed, feeling his blood fizzing in his veins like champagne. “I need you to close your eyes real quick, okay?”

“Mkay,” Jensen said slowly, closing his eyes and covering them with his hands. He giggled, and Jared smiled at the sound. 

Opening his dresser quietly, Jared pulled out the red lacquered box from its hiding place beneath his sweaters. Inside the cuffs and collar were wrapped separately, and he again contemplated giving Jensen the entire set instead of just the cuffs. Glancing back at the man swaying slightly on the bed, he shook his head and took out only the cuffs. He’d wait to give Jensen the collar, until Jensen knew what it meant to Jared and was able to make an informed decision on whether or not to accept it. It meant too much to Jared to play it off as a gift, and waiting for the right moment to come made it all the more special to him.

“Jared, if you’re trying to stuff yourself into one of those elephant trunk banana hammock things, I’m sorry but I don’t think they make them in your size.” Jensen said with mock sincerity, and Jared let out a bark of surprised laughter.

“It’s not that big, Jen.” Jared put the box back into its hiding place and moved to stand in front of Jensen, the cuffs held in one hand behind his back. “You can open your eyes now, Jensen.”

Jensen’s eyes immediately opened and he grabbed Jared by the hips, pulling him closer and nuzzling the bulge in Jared’s jeans. “He didn’t mean it, Padacock. You’re big and I love it.” He cooed, continuing to nuzzle and kiss the fly of Jared’s jeans.

“Jen, did you name my dick?” Jared asked, raising an eyebrow in amusement.

“Nope. Absolutely not,” came the reply from below his belt buckle, and Jared laughed.

Kneeling down so he and Jensen were eye-level with each other, Jared smiled, “Happy birthday, Jen.” Extending his hand, he put the cuffs on Jensen’s lap and stared down at them. Jensen was silent for a long moment, so long that Jared started to get anxious. “If they’re the wrong color or you don’t like the detail, we can take them back and you can pick something else out. Jen, I’m sorry. I thought you’d like them.

Jensen looked up slowly, and Jared gasped to see how dilated his pupils were. Jensen licked his lip slowly, and Jared realized that the cuffs were effecting Jensen as much as the idea of them being on Jensen had effected Jared. “You got these, for me? I get to keep them?”

“Yeah, Jen. They’re yours to keep. Just yours. Like I said, if you don’t like them, we can take them back and I won’t be upset,” Jared said slowly, and looked back down at the cuffs. He reached out, taking Jensen’s wrists in his hands. Rubbing the pulse points slowly with his thumb, he continued. “I figure, everything that I have upstairs is stuff I had from before we started this arrangement. I mean, I still have the cuffs from Paris and those are like 10 years old. I wanted you to have something of your own there, something that gives you an anchor.”

“Can…” Jensen cleared his throat roughly, and Jared looked up to see the shimmer of tears in those grass-green eyes. “Jesus. Can I wear them all the time? Even if we’re not, y’know?”

“Of course you can,” Jared said, reaching up and wiping a tear away from Jensen’s cheek. “Jen, I don’t want to make you sad with this. Please don’t accept them just because you think it’ll make me happy.”

“I’mn not sad, jerk. I’m just… No one has ever given me something like this, y’know? I mean, the Army gave me a uniform, and for a while that was my anchor. But I haven’t had that for a while, and I need one or I start to drift. I love them, Jay. Thank you.”

Jensen extended his wrists, and Jared carefully buckled them on, running a finger underneath to make sure they weren’t too tight. Jensen flexed his wrists experimentally, and smiled widely. "They feel amazing, Jay.” 

“They’re a little stiff now, but they’ll soften the longer you wear them,” Jared said softly, fingering the Celtic knot detailing of the leather. “They look amazing on you, Jen. I’m so glad you like them.”

Jensen leaned down and kissed Jared slowly, cupping his hands around Jared’s jaw gently. His fingers scratched lightly behind Jared’s ears, and Jared shivered slightly at the sensation. Jared stood slowly, maintaining the kiss while leaning Jensen back. Pulling away, Jared stripped and watched with hungry eyes as Jensen followed suit. Turning off the overhead light, Jared flicked on the nightstand light and crawled onto the bed. He arranged Jensen carefully, holding his arms above his head and making sure Jensen was comfortable before beginning to kiss him again.

Grinding against Jensen, listening to the beautiful sounds Jensen was making, Jared began to feel like his skin was on fire. Jared held Jensen’s hands above his head with one hand, pressing down quickly so Jensen understood to keep them there. Jensen nodded, and Jared smiled slowly.

Sitting up, Jared reached over to the nightstand and grabbed the lube, slicking up his hand quickly before leaning back down over Jensen and taking both their cocks in one hand. Jensen’s eyes fluttered closed on a long moan as his hips jerked, and Jared growled at the sight of Jensen stretched out below him, a faint sheen of sweat on his body and the cuffs dark against his winter-pale skin.

Jared removed his hand and wrapped Jensen’s legs around his waist, grinding down into Jensen and groaning at the feeling of Jensen’s skin against his cock. They slid and arched against each other, the only sound in the room that of slick skin and moans. Jensen arched his neck when Jared’s hand brushed it, and Jared took the hint, wrapping a hand around Jensen’s neck and squeezing softly. He leaned down to kiss Jensen roughly, and Jensen came with a shout, struggling for breath as he spilled hot between them.

Jared lasted only a few more thrusts before coming as well, breathing hard and squeezing his closed eyes so hard it seemed fireworks went off behind his eyelids. He opened his eyes slowly, gently rolling over onto his back. Jensen pulled up a shirt from the floor and used it to clean them, and Jared couldn’t find it in him to care that it was one of his work shirts. 

Tossing the shirt back on the floor, Jensen reached over and turned the lamp off, bathing the room in darkness. He settled on his side with a soft sigh, curling into Jared’s side and resting a hand over Jared’s thundering heart.

“Thanks again, Jay. They’re exactly what I needed,” he slurred, and then yawned widely. 

Jared felt his heart swell dangerously, and he swallowed hard at the sudden burn in his eyes. “You’re very welcome, Jen. I’m glad you like them.” He sat up, earning himself a disgruntled noise from Jensen as he pulled the sheet and a blanket over the two of them. Settling back down, he reached underneath Jensen’s neck and put an arm around him, pulling him close. He drifted off slowly, thoughts on the collar still in its box and how he hoped he didn’t have to wait too long to see it on Jensen.

Jared’s offer on the house in Warrenville was accepted a few weeks after Jensen’s birthday; the house had sat empty for some time and had fallen into disrepair, but Jared welcomed the challenge of restoring the house to its former glory. The carpet was removed and the hardwood exposed; once it had been sanded down and stained, he started the process of putting up the crown molding and chair rails that would have been present when the house was originally built. 

The crowning glory, in Jared’s opinion, was the master suite he’d spent an entire week renovating himself. The floors were a rich dark brown, and Jared had the faux exposed beams in the ceiling stained to match. The walls were painted a soft gray color, making it masculine but not overly so. The windows were changed to casements, so Jared could open the windows and not have to worry about the floors getting ruined on rainy days.

The bathroom, with its bamboo wood floors and gleaming white subway tiles from floor to ceiling, looked like something out of an Architectural Digest magazine. The shower would accommodate them both easily, and there was a bench seat for when Jared couldn’t wait long enough to get Jensen into bed. With the floor-to-ceiling glass front, it also doubled as a sauna, and Jared couldn’t wait to try that out after a long day at work. It was his one major splurge while renovating the house, aside from one other surprise he had waiting for Jensen.

The garage had been something of a challenge, as it had a small storage room not attached to the rest of the house. He was unsure of what to do with the space until he talked to Chris one night over dinner. Chris mentioned that Jensen was paying an arm and a leg in fees for developing all his photos for the blog at the COD lab. Jared decided to build a darkroom for Jensen, so he could develop his photos in private and not have to worry about anyone stealing his work.

An eight-foot privacy fence was installed in the backyard, and Jared began combing through shelter websites to find a dog. He didn’t want a purebred, and he was fairly certain he wanted two dogs, so they could keep each other company while he was at work. The neighborhood had several dogs already, and Jared knew no one would call the cops on him for leaving them outside all day, as long as they had food and water and shelter from the sun. 

The renovations were finished at the end of April, and Jared went to the DuPage Animal Shelter and adopted Harley and Sadie, two dogs who had been at the pound for some time and needed some TLC. Arriving at the house, he let them roam through the backyard and get acquainted while everyone helps him unload the moving truck Jensen drove over. Jared thanked them by having a bonfire and barbecue that night. 

It was almost too early in the season for doing anything outside, but Jared splurged on radiant heaters and chimineas to heat the area around the fire pit he and Chad had dug earlier in the day. Midnight found them all sitting around the fire, stuffed full of burgers and brats and beer. Harley and Sadie were still running the fenced perimeter of the yard, excitedly sniffing and peeing on everything. At some point Jensen went out to the car and got his guitar, and Steve and Chris did the same. Seeing them jamming together around the fire made him remember something he’d meant to bring out earlier.

Jared ran inside on the pretense of making a beer run for himself and everyone else, and ended up coming back outside with a bottle of Jack and a beat-up guitar case. Jensen raised an eyebrow, and Jared shyly mentioned that he learned how to play in college, after someone gifted him an old, beat-up acoustic guitar.

“No way!” Jensen exclaimed breathlessly, and reached over to pull the guitar case from Jared’s hands. He eyed the band stickers Jared had put on it over the years, making noises of approval before popping the case open. Sitting inside was the guitar Jensen had left with Jared for safe keeping years previous, and when he looked up Jensen’s eyes are suspiciously wet. “You kept this?”

“I had to. She’s beautiful, and you left her here with me when you left,” Jared said quietly, trying to keep their conversation private from Chris and Steve. The two of them were sitting on the other side of the small fire pit, slowly strumming two different melodies that somehow still complemented each other.

“I don’t know what to say. First the cuffs, now this. Thanks, man.” Jensen looked up at Jared through his eyelashes and Jared smiled softly, picking up the case Jensen had discarded and pulling out the newer guitar. 

“She should be in tune, since I had a jam session of my own a few days ago. You might want to play with her a bit, though, reacquaint yourself with her quirks.” Jared stood and walked to the other side of the fire, leaving Jensen alone for a moment to gather his thoughts. The rest of the night, every time Jared looked up and across the fire, his eyes met with Jensen’s and for the first time in a long time, Jensen didn’t look away once.

Chris and Steve were the last to leave around three am, the fire fading to glowing embers in the fire pit while they swapped stories of college and the military and life on the road in all its forms. Jensen helped clean up the backyard, tossing bottles into Jared’s recycling bin and using the garden hose to extinguish the fire while Jared loaded the dishwasher.

They stood in the kitchen for a bit, sharing one last glass of scotch while the silence stretched like warm molasses between them. Finally, Jared cleared his throat and spoke. “So, shall we,” he asked, nodding his head towards the upstairs level. Jensen nodded slowly, lips quirking in a smile. 

Jared turned and headed to the master bathroom, and Jensen followed. They stripped quickly and silently, neither wanting to break the peace that had settled over the house. Jared guided Jensen into the large shower in the master suite

Jared scrubbed Jensen slowly, awakening nerve endings with each pass of the sea sponge. Jensen rested his head against the shower wall, keening softly as Jared slowly rubbed a finger against his hole. Jensen’s legs twitched in response, and Jared chuckled darkly.

“C’mon, Jen. I can’t give you what you want if you don’t spread your legs a little more,” Jared chided, kneeling and placing a hand on each muscular calf. He guided Jensen until he stood exactly how Jared wanted him, and Jared kissed and nibbled the back of Jensen’s knees as a kind of reward. 

Above him Jensen moaned softly, and Jared began to kiss and lick his way up Jensen’s body. “Jensen, baby. We’re alone, remember?” 

Jensen huffed a laugh. “Oh, trust me. We wouldn’t be doing this if anyone else was here,” he said breathlessly, rising to his tiptoes when Jared nibbled on the tender flesh between his thigh and ass cheek.

“Jen, you can be loud.” Jared reminded him, pausing to reach a hand around Jensen’s body and stroke his cock slowly, loving the feel of the slippery wet flesh in his hand. He reached between Jensen’s legs with his other hand and cradled Jensen’s balls, rolling them gently and tugging just enough to have Jensen start making those breathless whimpers he loved so much. “I want you to be loud. Remember Paris, how loud you could be because of those old walls? I want to hear all that again, Jensen. I want to make you scream and cry, so I know that you like what I’m doing to you.”

He tugged hard on Jensen’s balls while stroking his cock roughly, and Jensen moaned so loudly it echoed off the tiles of the shower. “Yeah, that’s right, sweetheart. Let it all out.” Letting go of Jensen’s cock but keeping a hand on his balls, Jared spread the cheeks of Jensen’s ass and looked at his hole, so small and pink and delicate-looking. Jensen’s body went tense for a moment, then relaxed the moment Jared leaned forward and licked him from his balls to the top of his crack. Jensen whimpered, turning his head so he could see what Jared was doing. 

Jared alternated between soft kisses and bites, massaging and intermittently tugging on Jensen’s balls. When Jensen started to bend over in an effort to increase the pressure of Jared’s mouth on his hole, Jared leaned back and swatted Jensen’s ass. “You’ll get what I give you and nothing more, do you hear me, Jensen?”

“Yes, Master,” Jensen moaned, and stood straight, his legs spread apart as Jared had directed.

“Good boy, Jensen. Hold yourself apart for me, sweetheart,” Jared coaxed, and Jensen reached around to grasp a cheek in each hand. Jared leaned forward slowly, blowing soft puffs of breath on Jensen’s hole before delicately licking it, slow and unhurried. Above him Jensen moaned, his hands trembling. 

“You love that, don’t you?” Jared growled, licking a little harder. Jensen whimpered as Jared rubbed an index finger there before sliding it in to the second knuckle. “Yeah, you love it when I do this.” Jared leaned forward again, this time licking harder and nibbling on the puffing rim. He tugged again on Jensen’s balls at the same time he slid his finger in a bit farther, and Jensen shouted in surprise. Jared’s cock throbbed with the need to be in Jensen’s tight heat, but he forced himself to wait a bit longer.

Jared took his time, making slow, big circles on Jensen’s hole with his tongue and using his finger to tease the sensitive head of Jensen’s cock. Jensen’s legs started to shake, his moans getting louder and coming faster in the steamy haze of the shower. Realizing Jensen was getting close, Jared slowed his movements and removed his hands from both Jensen’s cock and balls, making small soothing motions with his hand on Jensen’s back as he kissed and nibbled Jensen’s ass cheeks. 

As soon as Jensen had calmed down slightly, had stopped trembling and begging under his breath, Jared started up the torture once more. Making his tongue a hard point, he licked into Jensen’s hole, twisting his tongue and tugging on Jensen’s rim with his finger until he was begging once more. Jared repeated the process several times until Jensen was a trembling mess, barely able to stand and crying so hard he was hiccupping in between breaths.

“God, love doing this to you, Jensen. You don’t even know, do you?” Jensen whimpered, and his hands shook again. “Want me to tell you more? Tell you how much I love taking you apart?” Jared scooted backward on his knees, hands on Jensen’s hips. The movement caused Jensen to lean from the wall at a 90-degree angle, his cock hanging exposed and vulnerable beneath him while he trembled. Jared leaned forward once more, rubbing his five o’clock stubble against the sensitive skin of Jensen’s ass. He loved the way he cried, and trembled, and shook in front of Jared but stayed exactly where Jared had put him.

“Love tasting you, baby,” Jared said, then proceeded to lick and suck Jensen’s hole, encouraging it to open up and relax so he could slip two thumbs and open him wider. He stuck his tongue as far inside as he could, loving Jensen’s taste under the water beading down his back. Jared leaned back and, removing a thumb, slid two fingers inside, fucking Jensen with only the water cascading over them.

Jensen raised on his tiptoes when Jared pressed down hard on his prostate, almost screaming from the sensation. Jared pulled down hard on Jensen’s balls, and Jensen cried out again. Jared leaned forward, licking into Jensen’s body between his fingers, sucking and nibbling while nailing his prostate with every stroke of his fingers.

Above him Jensen was a wreck, sobbing and moaning. “Please, Master. Please let me come. I’ll do anything you want, anything at all. Just please let me come,” Jensen cried, and Jared chuckled darkly.

“Love making you beg, Jen. You have no idea. You’re so big and strong, no one would ever guess how pretty you beg for my cock, my fingers.” Jared nipped at the curve of Jensen’s ass, and Jensen yelped above him. “Which one do you want, Jen? My fingers or my cock?” Jared asked, abandoning Jensen’s balls to stroke his cock, which was so hard it could pound nails. “Come on, baby. Tell me which one you want.”

“Your cock, Master. Please, fuck me.” 

Jared groaned. “I don’t know, Jensen. I don’t think you’ve begged me enough yet.” Jared turned Jensen around and guided him by the hips to lean against the wall. Staring up at Jensen’s face, Jared reached around Jensen’s body and slowly thrust his fingers in and out of Jensen’s hole. “I love hearing the sounds you make, Jen. Love hearing how much you like what I’m doing to you. Getting this house was such a great idea- Now I get to do this to you whenever we want, and I want to hear every noise I can get you to make.” 

Jared leaned forward and sucked Jensen’s cock down, not slowing or stopping until his nose touched Jensen’s soft curls and his jaw ached pleasantly. He swallowed a few times, resting his hands on Jensen’s thighs. Jensen’s hands fluttered down to cup Jared’s jaw tentatively, then quickly moved back to the wall. 

Jared pulled back, swallowing and loving the burn in his throat. “You can touch me, Jensen, but only if you tell me how it feels.” Jared quirked an eyebrow in challenge, smiling softly. Jensen nodded, placing his hands back on Jared’s jaw. Jared swallowed him down again, taking Jensen’s cock down to the root and holding him there for a moment before slowly pulling his head back up.

“God, Master. Your mouth. It’s so hot, feels soft and so, so good.” Jensen cried out when Jared exposed his teeth on the next slide up, leaving angry red trails on his cock. “Oh, oh. Master. Please, please, let me come. Please,” Jensen cried, and Jared made a sound of encouragement, sucking harder and reaching up to slide two fingers into Jensen’s sensitive hole. “Please, Master. I can’t hold off much longer and I don’t want to disappoint you.”

Jared pulled off, jacking Jensen’s cock with one hand and tugging on his balls with the other. “Come for me baby,” he rasped encouragingly, and once more swallowed Jensen’s cock down. 

Jensen howled Jared’s name, back arching from the tiled wall as his face scrunched up in bliss. At Jensen’s breathy cry Jared had to quickly reach down and squeeze hard at the root of his cock to avoid coming from the sight, even as he swallowed Jensen’s release. Not many of the doms he knew were willing to blow their subs, but Jared had always loved the taste and texture of cum and wasn’t willing to let a thing like labels get in the way of getting something he loved doing.

Once Jensen’s cock had finished pulsing into his mouth, Jared stood and kissed Jensen deeply, cradling Jensen’s head in his hands and supporting his weight with a thigh between Jensen’s legs. Jensen reached up, running his fingers through his hair and grinding against Jared, making soft sniffling noises between kisses. 

“Ready for me to fuck you now, Jen?” Jared reached around and pet Jensen’s rim, rubbing gently before inserting the tip of his index finger. He watched Jensen’s face for any sign of discomfort, but the blush that spread across Jensen’s cheeks told him that Jensen was feeling just fine.

He stepped out of the shower for a moment, reaching in a drawer for a tube of lube. He quickly opened the cap and spread more than enough on his fingers and cock, then tossed the tube in the sink and climbed back into the shower. He turned to see Jensen had turned to face the wall, ass out in the air, and Jared tutted as he turned Jensen around with his non-lubed hand. 

“Want to see your face while I fuck you senseless, Jen. Now put your arms around my neck and hold on.” Jensen did as he was told, and Jared reached down and picked Jensen up, Jensen immediately wrapped his legs around Jared’s waist, and after making sure Jensen’s hole was thoroughly lubed and stretched, slid his cock into Jensen in one long, slow thrust. Jensen moaned and squirmed on his cock, thrashing his head from side to side and rolling his hips from the sensation of Jared entering him.

“Love having my cock inside you, baby. God, you feel so good. Every. Fucking. Time.” The last was spoken into Jensen’s neck and punctuated by a series of sharp thrusts. Jared licked a long line up Jensen’s neck, biting his earlobe and soothing it with a kiss before bending his head and biting down hard on Jensen’s collarbone.

“Please, Master. God, please move. Please fuck me.” Jensen cried, rolling his hips again and raising a hand from where it was resting on Jared’s shoulder to tug on Jared’s hair.

“Think you can come again, sweetheart?” Jared gripped Jensen’s hips harder, and began pistoning hard into his soft, wet heat. “God, I really do love fucking you. The little noises you make, the way your pretty hole looks so good, all stretched out by my cock.” Jensen made a sharp whimper, and Jared adjusted his angle so he could keep hitting Jensen’s prostate.

“Does that feel good, baby? Me fucking you, getting all deep inside you, holding you close so there’s nowhere you can go.” Jared was getting close; he knew he wouldn’t be able to last much longer. Jared began thrusting harder, nailing Jensen’s prostate on every thrust. Jensen continued swiveling his hips as much as he could, arching into each of Jared’s thrusts and contracting his muscles on the down-thrust. The gritty drag made Jared want to weep, wishing he could stay inside Jensen forever.

Jared slammed Jensen up against the wall more firmly and took Jensen’s cock in his hand, jacking it roughly. “Come for me, baby. I want to watch you come again.” He kissed Jensen hard, sucking Jensen’s tongue into his mouth and swallowing his cries.

“So close, Master,” Jensen whimpered, biting his lip and closing his eyes. Jared let go of Jensen’s cock and reached around to run a finger along Jensen’s puffy rim, petting lightly before sliding it in alongside his cock. Jensen’s eyes flew open and he shouted, arching back as his cum splattered his and Jared’s stomachs. Jensen clenched down on Jared, trembling and shaking.

Three more thrusts and Jared ground inside of Jensen as far as he could, mouthing a hickie on Jensen’s collarbone as he shook with the force of his own release. They were still for a long moment, only the sounds their breathing and the water from the showerhead breaking the silence. Jared settled Jensen down on his feet carefully, making sure he could stand on his own before stepping slightly. He kissed Jensen slowly and deeply, trying to convey without words just how much Jensen meant to him.

Once Jensen had finished trembling in his arms, Jared reached over and turned off the water. “Thank god for tankless water heaters.” Jensen grunted his agreement as Jared reached for the towel. “Ready for bed, baby?” 

Jensen nodded slowly, still coming down from the intense session. Jared helped him dry off with a fluffy towel and picked him up and carried him bridal-style into the bedroom, ignoring Jensen’s grumbling. Jared bundled Jensen into bed, laying down beside him and rubbing his back softly, occasionally kissing his forehead and running his fingers through Jensen’s hair. 

It took a long time for Jensen’s breathing to slow, but Jared held him until he was sure Jensen had nodded off. Reaching over to turn off the light, he set an alarm for the next morning before rolling back over and curling up against Jensen’s back.

“Love you, baby. So much,” Jared whispered, drifting off to sleep with a sigh.

# 

Jensen lay awake for a long time that night, long enough that the birds were starting to chirp once he started drifting off. He couldn’t decide if he’d heard correctly, that Jared had said that he loved him. He understood, on some level, that what they had between them had passed casual a long time ago- Jensen had started spending more and more time at Jared’s place, but he never spent the night except for on the weekends Jared had expressed his displeasure about that on several occasions, but Jensen had always brushed it off with excuses of needing his space or having a meeting in the morning.

The truth was, the lines between what they had agreed to be in the beginning, what they currently were, and what Jensen wanted them to be were beginning to be perilously blurred. Jensen understood that he was fucked up, he did- But that didn’t mean he didn’t want Jared to maybe make this more permanent. Jensen was already reasonably certain that he was never going to find someone that made him feel the way Jared did, in a scene or otherwise. 

Jensen was unsure if Jared felt the same way, though, and that uncertainty was what kept him from saying anything. Even with the promise of remaining friends should the agreement come to an end, there was too much to lose if he brought it up and was wrong. In the morning, Jensen woke up in an empty bed with a hastily scribbled note folded into his glasses explaining that Jared had been called into work extra early and could Jensen please let the dogs out. Jensen decided he’d heard wrong the night before and promptly put it out of his mind. 

There was no use in wishing for something that would never happen, after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another Chance? Soundtrack
> 
> 1\. Halcyon & On & On – Orbital 2\. Embrace (Arty Remix) – Armin Van Buuren 3\. Chicago Is So Two Years Ago – Fall Out Boy 4\. Fireside – Arctic Monkeys 5\. Edge of Desire – John Mayer 6\. Broken English – Adam Lambert 7\. Sex on Fire – Kings of Leon 8\. Rain – Breaking Benjamin 9\. Angeles – Jensen Ackles 10\. I Wanna Be Yours – Arctic Monkeys 11\. Give Me Love – Ed Sheeran 12\. Diary of Jane – Breaking Benjamin 13\. 18th Floor Balcony – Blue October 14\. Wrong Side of Heaven – Five Finger Death Punch 15\. Been Down – Blue October 
> 
> [Another Chance? on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/user/1221018653/playlist/2erIO6oEfegJOFZGSLhbAX)


	7. No, Your Face Is Dumb!

# 

# 

Chicago, June 2011

After the impromptu jam session around the campfire in May, Chris became more insistent about Jensen touring with them again. Jensen finally caved to Chris’s charm (and bullying) and agreed to do a few shows with them in June. After deciding on a set list, the band started practicing and learning how to be a cohesive unit again after not playing together for several years. 

There were a lot of long days and late nights, but when Jensen crawled into bed stoned and adrenaline-drunk after practice, he found it hard to find it in himself to complain about having something to do again. It took three weeks for them to re-learn the songs they used to play as well as several new songs Chris had written in the years since their last gig. Jensen had to admit that Chris had been right to push them into putting the band back together: They all had grown as musicians in their time apart, and Jensen was confident that they were a better band now than they’d ever been.

Jensen worked out a deal with Alona to keep his job on the blog while touring; instead of covering others’ shows in Chicago, he would start writing blog pieces and posting pictures of life on the road with a small band. It promised to become one of the most popular columns on the website because of the behind the scenes content. Jared set up an RSS feed to both his work and personal e-mail addresses so he could be sure he wouldn’t miss an update.

There had been some debate about the name of the band; it had been one thing to call it _Kane_ in high school, but having it named after one member invited comparisons to Daughtry, something Jensen wanted to avoid at all costs. Jensen eventually won the argument by pointing out that while most of their fans had known them as _Kane_ , it would be easier to promote and get bookings if they used a different name.

_Mischief Commandment_ was booked for their first show in Madison in the middle of June; Mike and Tom played the part of promoters, telling everyone they knew via Twitter and Facebook to come to the show. Jensen was nervous despite all the practice the band had done, and tried to remind them that it was his first real gig since coming back from the Army, but Mike and Tom refused to listen. He also attempted to warn them that it was a small venue with limited space for the audience, but they cheerfully ignored that as well.

After breakfast at their favorite greasy spoon in Carol Stream, the band climbed into the van early Friday afternoon and started the drive up to the bar gig in Madison. Riding in Chris’s van with the band always gave Jensen a sense of nostalgia; the van had been their vehicle of choice for road trips, festivals, and concerts, and he found himself wishing they could somehow keep driving and playing gigs forever.

After a three-hour drive in a hot van with three sweaty guys, Jensen was relieved when they exited off 90 and pulled into the parking lot of the exceptionally seedy motel they were staying at. Climbing out of the van and taking a deep breath of soup-thick air, Jensen began to remember why he hadn’t wanted to tour during summer anymore. Jensen fired off a quick text to Jared to let him know they’d arrived safely, and remind him that there would be a ticket waiting for him at will call. 

Jared had mentioned that he wanted to see them play but wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to get out of the client meeting the firm had scheduled for Friday afternoon. Jensen understood but was still disappointed. He’d wanted Jared at his first show. In a rare display of optimism, he saved a ticket for Jared at will-call just in case plans changed.

Sound check went quickly, and before Jensen knew it was almost time to go on for their show. The group gathered backstage, Jensen giving Chris’ guitar some last minute tuning while Chris tuned Steve’s and Steve worked on Jensen’s. It had become a tradition of sorts after one memorable show, when Chris had shown up too drunk to tune his guitar and had gone on stage anyway, leading to Steve surreptitiously unplugging Chris’s guitar halfway through the first song. The rest of the show was carried by Jensen, who insisted that they institute a policy of checking each other’s instruments before they went on stage. 

Jensen’s pocket buzzed with an incoming text, and Chris groaned when Jensen interrupted their preshow ritual to pull out his phone and read the message. It was from Jared, and it simply read “Come take a shot of whiskey with me for good luck?”

Jensen couldn’t contain his grin at the message. He set Chris’s guitar on the stand and almost ran into Jared as he pushed open the backstage door. Jensen waved him backstage with an excited grin. “You made it! I thought you said you had a meeting?”

“I rescheduled. Did you think I’d miss the chance to see you play?” Jared said, throwing an arm around Jensen’s shoulder casually. “Now, I understand it’s a tradition for y’all to do shots before you perform?” He asked, scanning the group.

“Ah, yeah. It used to be, at least,” Chris answered, now fiddling with his guitar.

“Well, I brought this for you tonight to restart that tradition. I hope it’s acceptable.” With that, Jared brought a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue Label out from behind his back. 

Steve whooped and took the bottle from Jared, inspecting the label and glancing at Chris incredulously. “Hey, man- Check this out!”

“Man, I could get used to playing again if this is the kind of preshow gifts we get,” Chris drawled, tipping his Stetson to Jared.

“Thanks, Jay,” Jensen murmured, watching his friends squabble over who was going to be the one to open the bottle and take the first shot. “I’m glad you were able to come.”

Jared laughed, and Jensen rolled his eyes. “Hey, asshole- You know what I meant. Oh, Jesus Mary and Joseph, guys. We’ve got like two minutes before we have to go on. Gimme that.” Jensen stole the bottle back from Chris and opened it, taking a long pull before passing it to Steve with a flourish. Each taking a shot, the bottle was passed around the semi-circle, ending with Jared.

Jared took his shot just as the bar owner announced the band, and he smiled widely as he handed the bottle to Jensen for another quick shot. His band mates filing onto the stage left them alone long enough for Jensen to lean over and kiss Jared quickly once and then again, whiskey-sweet kisses in the dark, before darting out onto the stage.

 

_Mischief Commandment_ opened with “House Rules,” one of the first songs Chris had ever written, and the crowd went wild. Whatever nerves Jensen might have had quickly dissolved once the house lights came on and he saw several friends from his old unit in the front of the crowd. Jared had relocated to the back of the room, sitting on a stool at the bar, and winked when he caught Jensen’s eye. 

The energy and enthusiasm from the crowd were addicting, and Jensen found himself showing off for Jared; grinding on the mic stand as he did backup vocals for Chris, and making sure Jared was watching as he licked his lips slowly while playing riffs. 

They didn’t pause for breath or applause between the first song and the second, a cover of “All My Life” that they hadn’t played live since their last show at the bunker in 2007. The crowd roared, and Jensen began to remember why he’d struggled with going into the Army: When he was on stage like this, guitar in his hands and stage lights in his eyes, he felt infinite.

Chris had talked Jensen into singing a solo, something he was initially hesitant to do- He liked being on stage, but felt better when Chris was the center of attention. Jared had been the deciding factor, however, telling Jensen that he’d never really gotten the chance to hear Jensen sing at a show before he left for the Army. Most of _Kane’s_ shows had been done in bars up until that point, except a few house parties Jared hadn’t been allowed to go to.

Jensen cleared his throat and switched out guitars; he’d been playing the one he’d bought when first coming back to Chicago, but it was important to him that he play the next song on his old guitar. Shuffling to the mic and fingering the strings, he ducked his head and smiled when the group of girls at the front of the audience started to catcall. 

“This next one…” He smiled widely, making eye contact with Jared and nodding his head. “This next one is for you.” He gave Jared a wink before slowly starting to strum the opening notes of Blue October’s “18th Floor Balcony.” 

“I close my eyes and I smile, knowing that everything is alright…” 

The rest of the show was a blur; they played one song after another in quick succession, rarely stopping except for Brandon to rib Jensen briefly as they’d rehearsed and give Chris a chance to grab some water. They were called out for two encores, and the night ended on a high note when the owner of the bar booked them for another two shows later in the summer.

They played two more gigs in June, both at small venues in the Chicago suburbs, before ending their short tour with a blowout show at the Metro in July. Standing backstage before the concert started, Jensen found himself thinking of seeing the Smashing Pumpkins play their last show at the same venue in 2000, and a wave of nostalgia washed over him. Music had always been a central part of his life, threading through almost everything he did. He knew, somehow, that even if _Mischief Commandment_ never made it as big as they all dreamed it could be, that he’d done something good with the band and his friends.

Jared made it a point to come to every show _Mischief Commandment_ played that summer, making sure Jensen saw him in the crowd on the rare occasion that he had to sneak inside after the show started. Something about Jared being there for him, showing Jensen support every step of the way made Jensen want to shower Jared with affection and blowjobs. Jared was more than happy to reap the benefits of his efforts.

A few weeks before Jared’s birthday, Jensen reached out to an old Army friend working at a leather smith shop out in Sycamore. Jensen loved his cuffs, loved that Jared had made the effort to find something that he knew Jensen would like and wanted to return the favor. After several failed attempts, Jensen finally had a finished product he could be proud of.

A few days later, he shyly gifted Jared with a small leather bracelet of his own for Jared’s birthday. It was braided from several different shades of brown leather and clasped with two anchor-like hooks. Jensen explained that he’d called in a favor from a friend to show him the basics. Jared proceeded to spend the next two hours systematically taking Jensen apart with his mouth and fingers. It was slow and hot, Jared teasing Jensen until he was a babbling mess and pleading for release. Jensen broke his rule of not staying over on weeknights for the special occasion; they fell asleep together that night tangled in sheets and each other, the box fan in the window providing a cooling respite from the muggy summer heat.

Jared never took the bracelet off, and just softly smiled when people complimented him on it. Jensen felt a thrill he supposed was similar to Jared’s own whenever someone commented on it; he liked seeing something that he’d made on Jared, and toyed with the idea of doing more leatherwork sometime in the future when his life calmed down a bit.

August and September were a blur of activity; Jensen’s job assigned him to most of the music festivals in the Midwest that summer. He often took Chris along when Jared was busy with work, giving thema chance to hang out and listen to great music. Lollapalooza was amazing, and Warped Tour made them realize how far they’d come as musicians since they’d dreamed of being featured on the tour. 

Looking out at the sea of teens and early twenty-somethings, it also made them both feel their ages of 32 and 36, and both decided that 2011 would be the last time either went to that festival. Riot Fest in September was a perfect way to close out the summer season, and Jensen was both exhausted and ready to get back to his regular job of just taking photos at shows. 

_Mischief Commandment_ continued to play shows once a month at McRory’s at Jean’s insistence, because the increase in business she got from their performances more than made up for the long-standing tab they both had running. That was a reasoning the band found hard to argue, especially once Jean promised that as long as the band kept playing, the tab would stay open.

Jensen moved out of Chris’s place and into an apartment in Carol Stream in October. The money he was making from the band gigs and Alona’s blog had been piling up in his bank account along with the money he’d saved while in the Army, and he finally felt stable enough to get a place and put down roots. Jared and Chad helped him move over the course of a weekend, and once everything was unpacked, it started to feel like a place Jensen could see himself staying for a while, something he hadn’t done since he was 22. Jensen still spent most weekends at Jared’s house, but now the drive home wasn’t quite so far.

Jared and Jensen spent Thanksgiving with Jared’s family for the second year in a row; Jensen spent much of the evening helping Sherri clean up in the kitchen while the rest of the family watched the football game. Moving in a carefully coordinated dance with Sherri, it reminded him of doing the same thing with his mother years prior. A pang of homesickness hit him then, and when Sherri saw the look on his face, she took his head in her hands, pulling him down and kissing his forehead softly.

“How long has it been since you saw your family, Jensen?” She asked softly, pouring them both a cup of coffee before sitting down at the dining table with a sigh. Jensen sat across from her and pulled one of her legs into his lap gently before sliding off her slipper and beginning to massage her swollen feet. “Oh, sweetie. You don’t have to do that,” she exclaimed, but the objection carried no weight, and he ignored it.

“It’s been a little over a year, ma’am, I came home, stayed with her a bit because she wanted me to, but the longer I was there, the more I realized that I didn’t belong there anymore. And I think she realized it as well because she didn’t try to talk me out of it when I told her I was moving out.”

“Well,” Sherri said matter-of-factly, “you will always have a place here with this family, Jensen Ackles. And don’t you forget it.” 

Jensen nodded, throat tight and itchy as he gently set one foot down on the floor before picking up the other. He paid it the same attention, gently rubbing the arch and toe bed before working on her ankles and lower calves.

Gerry walked into the kitchen and did a double-take, pausing in the doorway to take in the scene before him. “You can’t have her, Jensen. She’s mine. Quit thinking you can woo her away from me with foot massages and dish washing.”

Sherri laughed loudly at that, a happy sound that chased away the somber mood. Jared came to the doorway and stood next to his father with a pouting look on his face.

“Hey, you never rub my feet!” He exclaimed, walking into the kitchen and getting a mug from the cabinet. Pouring himself a cup of coffee, he sat at the table in the seat across from Jensen. Sipping his coffee, he made a hum of contentment.

“Hey, I’ll make a deal with you,” Jensen said before Sherri could say anything. He winked at her, then continued. “You cook Thanksgiving dinner for 12 people all by yourself, and I’ll happily rub your feet afterward.” Jensen gently set Sherri’s foot back down on the floor and leaned back in his chair, staring at Jared challengingly.

“Good lord, Jensen. Don’t encourage the boy. We all want to eat the food, not order pizza from a motel room after the house burns down.” Gerry chided, moving to stand behind his wife and rub her shoulders.

Staring at them, at Sherri looking up at her husband as if he hung the moon and stars and seeing the same look reflected on Gerry’s face, Jensen’s throat felt tight again. He glanced at Jared, uncomfortable with the obvious affection on his parents’ faces, but Jared was staring at Jensen with an expression he couldn’t read. Jensen blinked, and it was gone. 

Jensen shrugged and went back to sipping his coffee, blaming it tryptophan poisoning. 

 

Before Jensen could catch a breath it was December and, after a long autumn, snow had finally begun to fall. Over drinks after work one night, Jared mentioned that his friend from Paris, Genevieve Cortese, had been hired by Jared’s firm.

“Oh, she’s the one I met right before we left the club in Paris, right? The overprotective one?” Jensen asked, taking a sip of his scotch and trying to sound noncommittal. Gen’s words that night had been pretty sharp, and he was well aware of the fact that he’d done just what she had warned him not to do.

Jared chuckled. “Yeah, that would be Gen. I’m pretty excited to see her- We’ve skyped and emailed since I was there, but we’ve both been so busy that neither of us has gotten a chance to visit each other.” He shrugged, and Jensen fought not to read too much into the gesture.

“When is she supposed to arrive?” He asked, staring down at his rocks glass. It was almost empty, and he had a feeling he was going to need more before the end of the night. He waved to Jean, who nodded and poured another round of drinks for Jared and himself.

“In about a week, I think. She’s coming to help finish the last bit of legal paperwork before we sign off on the Cantigny renovation, and Jeff’s hoping she’ll help with the contract for the Watertower gig. Man, I still can’t believe we got the job…” Jared continued explaining all the reasons he was excited about Gen’s visit, but Jensen tuned him out. 

With all the work Gen was going to be doing for the firm, all of it for Jared’s projects from the sound of it, Jensen could envision a lot of late nights worked together, leading to less time for himself and Jared. Jensen knew, logically, that it was childish to feel the way he did about the situation, but he found it hard to be excited about Jared’s old flame coming back into his life. He resolved then and there to make himself scarce, not wanting to get in the way of the two of them catching up.

His resentment only grew over the following weeks; Jared’s company celebrated Genevieve’s arrival with a dinner at the Chicago Chop House, a restaurant with a strict jacket and tie policy. Jensen made the excuse of having a previously scheduled gig with Alona that night to get out of having to go to the dinner, and Jared accepted it with little complaint. Jensen didn’t care if it was petty; he’d been looking forward to spending the holiday week with Jared, but with Genevieve in town it had become increasingly difficult to see the two of them together. 

They had an easy camaraderie; Gen loved to tell stories of how awkward and shy Jared had been when he first came to Paris, and the kinds of adventures the two of them had gone on. To be fair, some of those stories had also included the mysterious Misha and Colette, but Jensen didn’t like the casual way Gen rested a hand on Jared’s knee, or the way Jared would pick her up and carry her around no matter where they were. He began to find excuses for not joining them when they went out, not wanting to get in the way of the budding romance.

Each weekend Jared showed Gen around town; they went to several theater productions as well as the Chicago Opera, and while Jensen knew he would have said no, he was still resentful that Jared had never asked him to go to something he apparently enjoyed. They talked each day briefly, usually through texts, and after the first declined invitation, Jared didn’t ask Jensen to stay over again. 

Added to that was the fact that Jared had been getting increasingly distant over the last few days; ever since word had broken about the firm splitting into two offices, Jared had been talking non-stop about things to do in Seattle and doing things like looking into the housing market. Jensen had, for the most part, ignored the times Jared brought it up, assuming he’d been looking into it in the context of the project he’d been working on since the beginning of October. 

The morning of the 31st, Jensen got to Jared’s house early so they could run errands together before the party at Chris’s house that night. Jared had cooked breakfast for the both of them, and they sat in a companionable silence in the kitchen before heading out for the day. Jensen kept sneaking looks at Jared from under his eyelashes; it had been a few weeks since they’d seen each other, and he could feel the familiar itch under his skin that he felt whenever he was around Jared. Jared seemed preoccupied, and Jensen couldn’t help but hope that they might have enough time to fool around before having to leave for the night.

Jensen had just finished his second cup of coffee and was refilling his and Jared’s mugs when Jared cleared his throat and leaned back in his chair.

“What are your thoughts on Seattle?” He asked a little too casually, and Jensen snorted.

“It rains all the time. Highest suicide rate in the country, the birthplace of shitty music, and sparkly vampires? Um…. Their football team is going to be lucky to make the playoffs this year?” Jensen rattled off everything he could think of, trying to figure out where the conversation was going.

“Okay, okay. Other than all that. What would you say if I told you that Jeff offered me partner?” Jared asked, staring at his coffee cup.

“You’ve been at Morgan-Singer for, what, four years? Isn’t this a little soon for making partner?” Jensen asked, confused.

Jared shrugged. “It’s true, I’ve only been there four years, but I managed the biggest projects this year. Every single one of my proposals resulted in a contract. I signed an initial 5-year contract with Jeff when he hired me, and he’s worried that if he doesn’t give me partner, I’m going to walk.”

Jensen felt a pang of guilt for being that out of touch with Jared’s life for the past few months but reminded himself that he’d been busy as well. “Well, shit. Congratulations, man. So, when do I get to help christen your office?” Jensen asked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. 

“Yeah, about that.” Jared stared at his plate intently, moving the food remaining from one side to another. “The, uh…The job would be in Seattle.”

Jensen felt his heart crack a bit. “So you’ll be moving?” He asked, already knowing what the answer would be.

Jared looked up and gave him a timid smile, “Well, yeah. I can’t manage a new firm in Seattle from an office in Chicago.” 

The world felt like it was melting from the sudden burning in his eyes, and Jensen reached out and put a hand on the table to reassure himself that it wasn’t happening. He’d thought… Well, it didn’t matter what he’d thought because obviously what they had between them wasn’t enough to keep Jared from leaving Chicago. From leaving him. “What…What about all your friends here?” Jensen asked, hoping his voice came out as steady as he was aiming for. 

“I figure if we’re still friends after my trip to Paris it isn’t going to be that big of an issue. It's not like it’s that far away. Planes go both ways, and it’s only a four-hour flight.”

Jared was leaving. The one perfect thing in Jensen’s life, the one thing he’d come to depend on, was just going to leave. “It sounds like you’ve already come to a decision then,” Jensen said, proud of how his voice didn’t shake. “When would you be going?”

“Oh, not for another couple of weeks. I told Jeff I needed some time to decide, and besides, I just bought this place. I wanted to talk to you first, see if you thought it was a good move.” 

Jensen was silent for a moment, chewing on his lip carefully while trying to figure out what to say. “I’d say go for it, man. If it’s what you want to do, and you think it’ll make you happy, then accept Jeff’s offer. Who knows when something like this will happen again, right?”

Jared jumped up from the table and kissed Jensen hard, surprising him with the intensity of the motion. “Great. I know she’s coming tonight and all, but I’m going to call Gen and tell her I’m accepting the offer. Oh, man, she’s gonna be psyched!”

If Jensen had thought his heart was breaking before, it was shattered now. “Gen’s coming with to Seattle?” He asked. He could feel his face getting red and his eyes watering, but Jared didn’t look up from his phone.

“Well, yeah. Why would Gen reach out to Jeff for a job and then not go through with it?” Jared paused for a moment and then resumed speaking. “Allo, salope!”

As Jared left the room speaking rapid-fire French, Jensen felt rooted to the chair. He looked around the kitchen, at the table still loaded with breakfast debris and junk mail, and realized he’d been foolish to start thinking of this as home. There was no way he could compete against Gen for Jared; with her looks, education and easy way with Jared, she’d win easily. Gen was the perfect girl for Jared, and Jensen knew it. The only thing to do now was to wait for Jared to tell him their agreement was over; it made Jensen’s stomach turn to think about it.

Eyes still burning, he made his way upstairs to the playroom; he’d pulled out his favorite toys earlier, hoping to have time to play with Jared before they left for the night. With Jared’s voice still drifting up the stairs, he began to put everything away in the chest of drawers in the closet. He slammed the middle drawer closed, and something inside the top drawer shifted. Curious, he pulled open the drawer to see a small red lacquered box inside.

His mind flashed to another time he’d invaded Jared’s privacy, and his cock hardened at the memory of what had followed. He paused for a moment, reconsidering what he was doing before Jared laughed loudly downstairs at something Gen said. Something inside Jensen snapped, and breathing past the pain he opened the box to see a delicate leather collar lying in a bed of satin. It was thin, about as wide as his pinky, and the same shade of brown as the cuffs around his wrists. The detailing was delicate, feminine, and Jensen slammed the drawer shut, hearing the box close inside. 

 

A few hours later, the party was in full swing. Chris had invited most of the people they knew, including a lot of friends from the Bunker days. The house was packed, and the party had spilled out onto the back porch, where heat lamps and a contained fire pit kept everyone warm. Jensen felt a bit overwhelmed by all the people there but relaxed a bit as the evening wore on, thanks to a few drinks in his system and a guitar in his hand.

Chris’s parents had retired the year before and moved down to Florida, leaving Chris the house. He’d immediately started rehabbing it himself, doing most of the work by hand. The result was a home full of country charm, warm and inviting yet masculine. Most of the party centered around the fireplace in the living room, where Chris had set up a full bar and supplies for roasting marshmallows.

Jensen and Jared had parted ways early in the evening, Jared taking Gen by the hand and excitedly introducing her to everyone there. A few cast confused glances at Jensen, but Jensen pretended he didn’t see. Gen charmed everyone she spoke with, and it wasn’t long before Mike and Tom convinced her to do a keg stand in the backyard with them.

Before the surprise announcement over breakfast and the discovery in the playroom earlier, Jensen had been entertaining the idea of kissing Jared at midnight and trying to see if the thing they had between the two of them could be something more. Instead, he’d said barely three words to Jared on the drive up from Warrenville, and grabbed one of Chris’s old guitars to jam with Steve outside.

One drink turned into several, and before Jensen knew it was nearly midnight. The cheers of people counting down to midnight came from the doors open at the back of the house, and Jensen stood, realizing that he did in fact still want to kiss Jared. Standing up so quickly had made him dizzy; Jensen hadn’t realized how much he’d had to drink. He made his way inside, clinging to walls for support and trying not to trip over his own feet as he made his way down the hall from the kitchen to the living room, where everyone had gathered.

Awkwardly bursting into the living room as everyone shouted “Happy New Year,” he tried not to make too much noise as he scanned the room for Jared. Finally finding him in the crowd, Jensen’s stomach dropped at the sight before him: Jared had his hands on Gen’s waist, kissing her tenderly in front of the fireplace. They looked perfect together, 2.5 kids and a dog in the suburbs happy, and Jensen realized that Jared had already chosen, picked the girl who crossed an ocean to be with him instead of the boy who crossed an ocean to get away.

Jensen stumbled upstairs to the bathroom, closing the door behind him and standing in front of the sink for a long moment, just staring at his reflection. He ran the cold tap water, cupping water in his hands before bending down and splashing it on his face. The water ran down his wrists and wound its way under his cuffs, and for a moment he remembered how happy he’d been the night Jared had given them to him. Jensen was furious with himself for letting Jared in, for believing that this could become more and someone would actually… 

Shaking his head angrily, he tried to unbuckle one of the cuffs for the first time in nine months, but his hand trembled so badly he couldn’t get a hold on the small clasps. Letting out a cry of frustration, Jensen turned and punched the wall by the sink, relishing the pain that swam through him. Pain, he understood; pain without accompanying pleasure cleared his head and made everything sharper. Too late, he remembered where he was and that Chris would cheerfully murder him if he damaged anything in the house. Leaning closely, he was relieved to see that the drywall had dented but otherwise undamaged.

Jensen slammed the toilet lid shut, sitting down and burying his face in his hands. He sobbed once, then again, feeling each time as though something was tearing in his throat. His head swam, his stomach burned, and he couldn’t catch his breath. Jensen rubbed at his eyes, wiping away the tears of frustration. Jensen knew that if Gen made Jared happy, he had to bow out gracefully. Well, as gracefully as possible in present circumstances. His heart ached, felt like it was a dried husk of what it should be, and most of all Jensen felt like he wasn’t good enough after a year of feeling like he might be. 

Realizing he was going to be sick, Jensen fell to his knees and lifted the toilet seat quickly, emptying his stomach until there was nothing left. 

Raising his head slowly to see a towel shoved in his face, he turned wearily to see Mike standing beside him. Behind Mike stood Tom with a glass of water and a few pieces of white bread, and they were wearing matching expressions of pity.

Jensen pawed at the lever until the toilet flushed before sitting back and leaning against the bathtub, hanging his head dejectedly. “I need to talk to Jared,” Jensen croaked, wiping his face with the towel. 

“Jared left, buddy. He had to take Gen back to her hotel for the night and asked us to make sure you got back to your apartment safely,” Mike explained, an edge to his voice that made Jensen nervous. What had happened downstairs after he left?

Tom handed him the brad and the glass of water and Jensen accepted it, biting into the bread without hesitation before taking two gulps of the water. Tom gave him two ibuprofens, and Jensen took them with the last of the water before trying to stand.

“C’mon, buddy. Let’s get you home.” Tom put an arm under Jensen’s and guided him out of the bathroom and down the stairs. 

The party was still going in the living room, and most oblivious to the three of them making their way to the front door. Chris met them there and helped Jensen shrug into his coat. He took Jensen by the shoulders, staring at him hard for a moment before hugging him tightly. “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay buddy?” Chris asked quietly, hugging Jensen even tighter for a moment before letting him go and stepping back.

Jensen nodded, his stomach still competing for the gold in gymnastics.

The ride home was quietly uncomfortable. They managed to make it back to Jensen’s apartment without needing to pull over so Jensen could puke, something he counted as a win. Mike was angry, he could tell that much, but in his current state he couldn’t quite figure out why. Tom kept shooting Jensen sympathetic glances from the front seat, and that was somehow worse than Mike’s quiet anger.

Stumbling into bed after brushing his teeth and drinking another bottle of water, Jensen closed his eyes and groaned when the room spun around him. He rolled over, glancing at his phone on the nightstand and debating whether he wanted to text Jared right away or wait until morning. Closing his eyes, he decided that discretion being the better part of valor, he’d wait until the morning to call Jared and try to explain. 

It’s not like they ever had an official relationship, and with Jared moving to Seattle to have French hipster babies with Gen, Jensen figured it would be worth it to try to salvage their friendship before Jared left.

 

When Jensen tried calling the next morning, the call went straight to voicemail.

The same thing happened several times over the next two days, no matter what time he tried calling. He left several voicemails as well as texts, at first asking Jared to call him back, then begging.

When he had grown frustrated with leaving voicemails for Jared after the third day of no response, he’d driven out to the house in Warrenville. His truck, an old Chevy he’d had since high school, always ran a bit rough in cold weather and sputtered more than once on the way there. Jensen coaxed her the whole way from Lombard to Warrenville; typically a 30-minute drive, it had turned into twice that because of the snow falling. He was worried something had happened to Jared, visions of him falling down the stairs or hitting his head on something and being unable to call for help filling his mind.

When he got there and pulled into the familiar driveway, the house was dark, and there was no car parked in the driveway. Pausing for a moment to gather his courage, Jensen tried to open the door with the key he’d had since Jared signed the mortgage papers.

When the key didn’t work Jensen realized that there was something very wrong. Shivering in the cold, he walked back to his truck and climbed in, pulling his phone out of his pocket and dialing Chad’s number while waiting for the cab to warm up again.

“WonTon Pizza,” Chad answered, and Jensen chuckled.

“Hey, Chad. It’s Jensen.”

“Oh, hey man! What’s up?” Chad responded, sounding distracted.

“Listen, I was wondering- I haven’t heard from Jared since the party at Chris’s place. Have you heard from him at all?” There was a long pause, and Jensen quickly checked his phone screen to make sure the call was still connected. “Chad, are you there?”

“Yeah, sorry. I dropped Jaybird off at O’Hare a few days ago. He had to go out to Seattle for a few days to finalize plans for the new office or some shit. I thought he would’ve told you.”

“I don’t remember him mentioning anything about it, but I might have spaced it. Do you know when he’s supposed to be back?”

“He said something about him and Gen getting set up there over the weekend, and he’d need me to pick him up Friday. Want me to have him give you a call once he gets back?”

“That’d be great, thanks.” They made small talk for another few minutes before hanging up; after ending the call, Jensen sat his slowly warming car with a lump of something uncomfortably like despair in his stomach. Try as he might, he couldn’t shake the sense of foreboding that came from staring at the dark empty house in front of him. Putting his car in reverse and backing out slowly, he began the long drive back home in the dark.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, Your Face Is Dumb
> 
> 1\. Slow Dancing In A Burning Room – John Mayer  
>  2\. Savior, Rise Against  
>  3\. Change (In The House of Flies) – Deftones  
>  4\. It Only Hurts – Default  
>  5\. Right Here – Staind  
>  6\. Breath – Breaking Benjamin  
>  7\. The Chain – Fleetwood Mac  
>  8\. Fireside – Arctic Monkeys  
>  9\. Apologize – OneRepublic  
>  10\. Poison & Wine – The Civil Wars  
>  11\. I Don’t Trust Myself – John Mayer  
>  12\. Drunk – Ed Sheeran  
>  13\. Dear Agony – Breaking Benjamin  
>  14\. Gunning Down Romance – Savage Garden  
>  15\. Never Going Back Again – Fleetwood Mac  
>  16\. Not Coming Home – Maroon 5  
> 
> 
> [No, Your Face Is Dumb on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/user/1221018653/playlist/1YggwwkHz77FymoSy5qiwU)


	8. Dearly Departed

# 

# 

Chicago, January 2012

 

When his phone rang on Saturday morning, a week after New Year’s, Jensen sat up in bed blearily and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. For a moment he was confused what had woken him, but then his cell rang shrilly again. He dove for it and answered quickly without looking at the caller id. 

“’Ello?” He rasped, rubbing a hand over his face again and squinting to the time on the clock on the nightstand.

“Jensen? I’m sorry, did I wake you up?” Jared’s voice sounded concerned, and Jensen smiled even though he knew Jared couldn’t see it, happy to finally hear from Jared after a week of radio silence.

“Yeah, but I gotta get up soon anyway. What’s up, man? Where’ve you been?” Jensen winced, realizing how desperate that had sounded. Way to be smooth, Ackles.

“Do you have plans tonight? I think we should sit down and talk for a bit.” Jared explained, and Jensen nearly fell off his bed in surprise.

“Naw, man. I’m free tonight. Where were you thinking?” He stood and shoved the phone between his ear and shoulder while he pulled on clean boxers. Needing to be more awake for this conversation, he padded into the kitchen and started the coffee pot.

“Does 7:00 work for you? McRory’s?” There was a feminine voice in the background, and then Jared’s muffled voice answering followed by the sound of a door closing.

Jensen swallowed hard against the nervous tightness in his throat. “Yeah, that should be okay. Just us?”

Jared was silent for a moment, and when he spoke it sounded rough. “Yeah, Jen. Just us. See you then.”

“Yeah, I’ll see you then.” Jensen hung up the phone and stared at his coffee pot, zoning out for a moment while rubbing the back of his neck nervously. The coffeemaker beeping brought him out of his musing and Jensen ran a hand through his shaggy hair with a sigh. He poured himself a cup of coffee, doctoring it with cream and sugar, before padding into the living room to look for a distraction. 

He checked his emails and answered anything important. There were several emails from Alona detailing various shows she wanted him to attend over the next few weeks, as well as inquiries from venues in the area wanting _Mischief Commandment_ to play a show. He forwarded those to Chris mechanically and moved down the list. Bills were paid, spam deleted, and miscellaneous funny forwards from Mike and Tom read, then deleted. 

A part of him wished Jared hadn’t called so early because now he was awake and had hours to do nothing but dwell on their conversation tonight; knowing that a confrontation was inevitable only wound him tighter. There was no way to know why Jared had waited a week to call Jensen back, but he could feel in his gut that the evening was not going to work out in his favor. Deciding that he couldn’t just sit around the rest of the morning, he decided to shower and go for a run at the gym, hoping the exercise would clear his head and help him figure out exactly what he wanted to say to Jared.

 

Jensen pulled into the parking lot of McRory’s at 6:30; he’d been too nervous to stay at his apartment any longer, and taking random side streets the entire way there had only added 15 minutes to the usual 30-minute drive. He sat in the car for a long moment, listening to the engine tick as it cooled in the cold January air. Jensen knew he owed Jared an explanation, but the conversation they were about to have was undoubtedly going to be uncomfortable as fuck. 

When the cab of the truck began to get cold, Jensen could delay no longer and climbed out, ducking his head against the snow falling outside. He tread with care, trying not to face-plant on the icy pavement. Jensen opened the door to the pub and stepped into the warmth, stomping his feet on the mat before grabbing their usual booth. He texted Jared quickly to let him know where he was sitting and waved to Jean when she walked past the booth.

“Hey, Jen!” She exclaimed, putting her tray down on the table so she could give him a hug. “I hear I missed one hell of a party at Chris’s the other night.”

Jensen laughed awkwardly, then shrugged. “Yeah, you could say that. Listen, Jared’s gonna be here in a second- Do you mind grabbing us two beers and some water when you have a moment?”

“Yeah, I’ll have those over to you in a sec, if you don’t mind waiting. My server no-call no-showed today, so I’m running double duty.”

“Ouch. Yeah, no rush sweetheart. Take your time.”

“You’re a peach, Ackles.” Jean bent and kissed his cheek quickly before picking up her tray to continue on her pass of the floor.

About ten minutes later Jared made his entrance in a flurry of snow. They made eye contact, and he started across the room, shrugging out of his thick wool coat and hanging it on one of the coat hooks outside the booth before sitting down.

“Hey, I’m sorry. I hope you haven’t been waiting long. Traffic was a bitch.” Jared began fiddling with his phone for a moment before lowering the volume to silent and turning to put in a pocket of the coat hanging outside the booth. He turned back to Jensen and smiled. 

Jensen was struck again at how handsome Jared was; his cheeks were ruddy from the wind, and there was snow melting on his eyelashes and in his hair. Jared’s eyes were green and gold under the hanging lamp overhead, and Jensen’s hands ached to warm Jared’s hands in his. 

Instead, Jensen kept his hands on his side of the table and shook his head. “No, I just got here myself,” he lied smoothly. 

Jean appeared at the edge of the table, taking their beers off her tray carefully and setting them down on the table with coasters. “Hey, Jay. How are you? Long time no see.”

“Hey, Jean. Sorry I haven’t been in lately- Work’s been keeping me busy,” Jared explained, taking a long sip of beer before continuing. “How’ve you been?”

“Trying to keep up! I’d love to stay and chat, but a table of 8 just walked in. You guys flag me down if you need anything, all right?” Jean walked away quickly, and Jared and Jensen sat in awkward silence.

Jensen decided to speak first, hoping that Jared would eventually get to his reason for wanting to meet with him. “So, what’s going on man? We haven’t talked since New Year’s.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. I meant to call the next morning, but I ended up taking care of Gen all day since she was sick. Then Jeff asked me to take a last minute trip out to Seattle on Monday afternoon, and I realized I’d left my phone at the office after we went through Security. By the time we got back it was last night, and I was exhausted,” Jared explained, fiddling with the napkin in front of him and tearing it into tiny pieces. Jared cleared his throat, a frown line appearing between his eyes. “So, I told Jeff that I’d accept the position Monday.”

“I figured. I went to your house, and there was a for sale sign in the yard,” Jensen explained. “Get any offers yet?”

Jared laughed wryly. “A few. Apparently, all the work I put into that place is going to pay off, once it’s finally sold.” He shrugged. “I’m hoping a young couple ends up buying it, raises a family in it. I put a lot of love into that place, and I want someone to live there that will see that.”

Jensen didn’t know what to say to that, so he stayed silent and stared at his beer.

“Listen, Jensen… Fuck, why is this so hard?” Jared cleared his throat again, and Jensen glanced up as Jared brushed the hair from his forehead. A glint of silver showed under the cuff of his sweater, and Jensen realized Jared was still wearing the cuff bracelet he’d gotten Jared for his birthday. 

“I think… I think it’s hard because we both have things we want to say, but don’t know where to start,” Jensen said cautiously, glancing at Jared’s face to gauge his reaction.

Jared nodded. “I guess I started it with asking you to meet me here, so is it okay if I go first?”

“Yeah, of course. Go ahead.” Jensen nodded and braced himself.

“So, I guess what I wanted to say is that… Fuck. Look, I think that you and I entered this arrangement, this whatever we have between us, with very different ideas in mind of how it was going to go. And as much as I wanted to believe that things could be different this time around, I think I need to accept that the timing is just going to always be off for us.”

“What do you mean, the timing?” Jensen asked, confused what the hell Jared was talking about. He realized that the speech he’d carefully constructed on the way over was pointless; Jared didn’t seem to be in the mood to hear what he had to say, and he wasn’t sure anymore that it even applied to the conversation.

“You leaving for the Army. You leaving in Paris. This entire year. I just- Every time I think we get to be on the same page about things, something happens, and we’re back to square one again. I just… I guess what I’m saying is that maybe it’s a sign that I was offered that job in Seattle, you know?” He looked down, studying the head on the beer in his glass with a frown.

“I think I’m missing something here, Jay. You and I had an arrangement, had agreed that if one of us found someone we wanted to date, that the agreement would end, and we would stay friends,” Jensen shot back, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“No, that’s what I’m saying, Jen. I don’t think we were meant to be J2 forever, you know? Maybe this thing has run its course, and it’s just time to just let it go,” Jared murmured, looking up and giving Jensen a small half-smile before looking down again at his beer.

Jensen laughed; it was the opposite of what he wanted to do at the moment, but the pain in his chest was getting bigger, and he didn’t know what else to do. “Probably should have had this conversation a while ago, right?”

Jared didn’t laugh this time; if anything, the expression on his face became more pained. “What was it you wanted out of our arrangement, Jen? What was it that made you agree to do this in the first place?”

Jensen felt his heart rate kick up; he was confused as to why Jared would ask that since there were so many answers to the seemingly simple question, but no right answers came mind. There was nothing to gain from telling Jared the truth, that he’d hoped that something more would grow from the agreement they struck that morning in November a year ago. He’d wanted to spend time with Jared, get to know him again, and the promise of mind-blowing sex had sealed the deal for him. 

“Um, orgasms?” Jensen ventured, figuring that was the safest answer. That point had always been clear between them, that Jared gave Jensen more than he ever knew he wanted and Jensen in turn… what? Kept his bed warm? Amused him? Jensen suddenly felt lost, questioning what his role in their bargain had been. He realized that Jared had continued speaking while he’d zoned out, and his attention was focused when he caught what Jared was saying.

“…just happen, I guess. I don’t understand how you can keep joking about this, but if that’s how you feel about this, then I have to accept that.” Jared sighed, “I’m not going to lie, I hoped that you’d see what I saw, that we were building something here.”

Jensen was suddenly so angry it was hard to speak. “So what, you’re mad at me for following your lead, and now you’re leaving and backing out of the rest of our deal? Is that it, Jared?” Jensen demanded.

“Following my- What the hell is that supposed to mean, Jensen?” Jared asked, heat in his voice. “What the hell are you talking about, following my lead?”

“I saw you!” Jensen shouted, and then realized how loudly that had come out. He ignored the concerned glances of the other patrons and lowered his voice. “I saw you kissing Gen at midnight, Jared. You told me you’re moving to Seattle with her. Hell, you even had the nerve to ask me for my blessing.” Jensen hissed, shaking his head in disgust.

Jared stared at him in shock, “Is that… Jesus fuck, Jensen. Is that seriously what you think? That I’m moving to Seattle with Gen?”

“Just go. Move to Grunge-land, raise French hipster babies with your perfect lawyer wife and leave me the hell out of it.” Jensen finished staring at the table, unable to look Jared in the eye.

“That’s not even remotely close to what’s going on!” Jared protested before stopping himself and growling under his breath. “Fine. I’m not going to keep wasting my breath because you clearly already have your mind up about this. Nothing I say is going to change what you think, is it?” Jared stood, and after throwing down a $20 on the table, he started shrugging on his coat. “Look, Jensen. I’m sorry, I am.”

“Nothing to be sorry for, I guess. Like you said, these things just happen,” Jensen said, frantically building a wall around the heart he could feel crumbling in his chest. Was it possible to die from anger and heartache simultaneously? It felt like it at the moment, and Jensen just wanted to make it stop.

“But you know what, Jensen?” Jared sat down in the booth again, eyes glittering, and as Jensen watched a tear rolled down Jared’s cheek. He brushed it away impatiently and took a shaky breath. “I hope you let yourself be happy someday, Jensen. I’m just so, so sorry that it wasn’t with me.” Jared stood and awkwardly clapped Jensen on the shoulder before turning and walking out of the bar. 

Jensen sat stunned for a long moment, replaying the conversation over and over in his head, realizing with a sort of terrified clarity the extent to which he had fucked everything up. Jared had reached out time and again, trying to express and show Jensen what Jensen meant to him, and Jensen had pushed him away or ignored it, every time. 

Jared had been asking him to move to Seattle with him, and when Jensen had cracked jokes about it, Jared had dropped the conversation and considered it over. Even the kiss on New Year’s, now that he was clearly thinking about it, had been stiff and awkward, Jared’s posture more one of surprise than passion. Jared had mentioned how trashed Gen had been, had even made sure Jensen had a way to get home safely that night. Jesus, he’d been an asshole.

It was then Jensen realized that Jared wasn’t going to be walking back through the doors of the bar, ever.

He shot up and ran out of the building, shivering in the cold without his coat. He rounded the corner as Jared’s car pulled out of the parking lot, and he chased the car down the road, shouting and waving his arms. Jared never stopped driving.

Making his way dejectedly back into the bar, shivering uncontrollably from the cold, he sat back down in the booth and tried calling Jared’s cell. Like it had for the past week, the call went straight to voicemail. He tried texting, begging Jared to come back so he could explain, telling Jared that he’d misunderstood and wanted to talk things over again, but there was no reply. 

Jensen hung his head, feeling wrecked. Jean came by and slipped Jared’s cash in her apron, giving Jensen a long stare. “Where’d Jared run off to? He just got here.”

“He had to take off. Jean, can I get a Glenfiddich, neat?”

“Sure thing, sweetie. Coming right up.” 

# 

Jensen let his voice trail off, bowing his head and resting his forehead on the palms of his hands. “And there you go. Everything I tried to skip telling, every little thing.”

There was the sound of sniffles, and Jensen looked up to see both Jean and Sophia wiping tears from their eyes. Even Mike and Tom’s eyes were suspiciously bright, and Jensen shifted uncomfortably in his seat. 

Chad let out a slow breath, and Jensen turned to see him staring at Jensen, an incredibly sad look on his face. “I’m sorry I was so harsh on you, dude. You had no idea about any of this, did you?”

“Would I have done any of the things I did if I had,” Jensen retorted defensively, fiddling with his empty glass. Jean reached over and refilled it before filling Chris’s and her own, and Jensen nodded his thanks before taking a sip.

“I don’t know you very well, Jensen, but from what I’ve heard tonight, I’d have to say yes,” Sophia confirmed, leaning forward in her chair. Chad rubbed her back softly, and she smiled. “I think that, if anything, you would have found a way to self-destruct sooner.”

Jensen opened his mouth to argue with her but found he couldn’t. He closed his mouth and nodded slowly. “Yeah, you’re right. I probably would have.” He took another sip of his whiskey, shifting his head from side to side to crack it. “Fuck, I’m exhausted. And more than a little drunk,” he admitted sheepishly.

“Emotional upheaval and scotch will do that to a guy,” Mike noted wryly. Tom glanced at him, a soft smile on his face. Jensen’s chest ached, realizing that he’d caught Jared looking at him that way. 

“What do you say I get you home, buddy?” Chad asked, standing and stretching. “It’s 3 in the morning, and I don’t think you’ll be able to get a cab this late.”

The group broke up quickly after that; after exchanging numbers with Chad, Sophia shrugged into her coat and left. Tom and Mike followed, promising to check in with Jensen the next day. Chris lingered for a moment, looking shyly at Jean while she surveyed the floor of the bar.

“I can stay and help you close if you’d like. I know you’ve got a lot to do still, and I’d feel better if you weren’t here alone this late.”

“I’d like that,” she said softly, glancing up at Chris from under her eyelashes as she walked past him.

Jensen chuckled, and Chris turned to look at him with a grave expression on his face. “You gonna be okay tonight, buddy?”

“Tonight, yeah. I just need to go home and sleep this off. I can worry about everything else tomorrow,” Jensen said honestly, his limbs heavy with the kind of exhaustion that alcohol and a long day bring. Giving Chris a one-armed hug, he turned and shrugged into his heavy wool coat before turning to Chad. “You ready to get this show on the road, man?”

“I’m ready when you are, man,” Chad said and turned to walk out of the bar.

They walked to the car in silence; it had gotten colder over the course of the evening, and the snow that had fallen had a crust on top that crunched as they walked across it. The silence of the world outside was almost deafening, and Jensen glanced up out of habit, watching his breath fog in the frigid air.

Chad unlocked the doors of his truck and pried the driver’s side door open, starting the truck and cranking the heat up so the windows would defrost. They scraped the snow and ice from the windows in companionable silence and climbed inside when they were done. Waiting for the engine to warm before leaving, Chad turned on the radio and left it on a low volume while they shivered together in the cold. After a few minutes, the truck was finally warm enough to drive, and Chad pulled out of the parking lot and turned onto St Charles Road to begin the short drive to Jensen’s apartment.

“So, listen man. I know you’re going through some shit right now, and I can’t even begin to imagine how you’re feeling right now. I want you to know, though, that I don’t hate you, even though you’ve given me so many fucking reasons to kill you and dump your body in the Volo Bog.”

“Thanks, I think?” Jensen turned in his seat and leaned against the passenger door, giving Chad his full attention. “It’s frozen over right now, though, so you’d have to wait a bit.”

“True. To be honest, I just feel sorry for you, man. I know that sounds shitty, but hear me out. You fucked up, a lot.”

Jensen shook his head. “Dude, you’re not helping things.”

“I told you, hear me out. You fucked up a lot, but I think you see now how you fucked up. That shit’s important, right? Because now that you know how you fucked up, you know how to fix it and how not to fuck it up again.”

Jensen chuckled softly at Chad’s logic but had to agree. “Thanks, Mayhem. I appreciate you coming out and saving my sorry ass tonight.”

“That’s what friends are for, asshole. I’m here if you need me, or whatever. Now shut up, I love this song,” Chad said, reaching over and cranking up the volume on the stereo. Shinedown’s cover of “Simple Man” washed over Jensen, and he found himself singing along to the song as they drove. It had started to snow again, and in the darkness, it looked like they were driving through space. The warmth of the car was comforting, and the darkness outside the car was the last thing he saw before falling asleep.

 

The next few weeks were spent in a haze of alcohol and clubs; Jensen went out every night and danced with anyone who approached him, losing himself in the music and sweat and strobe lights. He never went home with anyone, though; everyone he met was too short or too blond or too female to cause any real interest, and he began to think that maybe Jared had broken something in him, had ruined him for anyone else. 

He’d gone back to just doing photography at concerts after the tour with _Mischief Commandment_ had ended, and Alona began to complain that the quality of the shots she was getting from the shows were not up to Jensen’s standards or her own. Jensen begrudgingly stayed sober for the shows, but immediately began drinking afterward. 

Jared’s comment about him needing professional help ate at him until it was all he could think about. During the day, Jensen could get drunk enough that he didn’t notice or care that he was alone. Sometimes his eye would catch on the collage he’d made for himself, similar to the one he’d made for Jared that summer. It was mainly photos of the two of them together, interspersed with photos of things like their campsites or the roller coasters they’d ridden at Great America. Looking at the pictures now, it was easy to see what he’d missed- in most of the photos Jensen had taken of the two of them; Jensen was always looking at the camera while Jared looked at him with a soft, fond expression on his face.

Mornings were the worst, he decided one day while staring at the dishes in his sink and trying to decide if it was acceptable to drink scotch from a flower vase. When he woke up in the morning, he rolled over to tell Jared about the crazy dream he’d had, only to find that side of the bed empty. There was no coffee waiting for him in the coffee maker, no smell of bacon in the air, no more hastily scribbled notes on his fridge. Jensen showered when he got so ripe he could smell himself, and shaved only when he was going to a show. The liquor bottles began to pile up in the kitchen, so many he couldn’t take them out without giving the neighbors cause for concern.

At the beginning of February, he realized things needed to change or his liver was going to give up on him too. This revelation happened at 3:30 am on a Tuesday night, while, Jensen was sitting on the couch in the dark while nursing a bottle of Jack. Staring at it, he realized that he couldn’t remember if it was his third or fourth bottle that week. It didn’t matter how much he drank or how long he danced or even how much he lied to himself- Jared missing from his side made him feel like he was missing half his heart and lungs: He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t seem to do more than live a stupid, half-assed life. 

It was Hallmark card bullshit that Jensen would never say aloud to anyone ever, but that didn’t stop him from feeling it all the time. Even now, even knowing that he loved Jared and Jared had loved him in return, loved him enough to want him to move across the country with him, he was still paralyzed with fear.

He wanted to be happy, he did. Didn’t he?

“I hope you let yourself be happy, someday,” the Jared in his mind said and gave one of those bright laughs that meant a broad smile and deep dimples and happier times. It felt weird that even the Jared in his mind didn’t believe in him, he reflected as he leaned back on the sofa.

If he couldn’t convince the Jared in his memory that he could make him happy, how the hell was Jensen supposed to convince the real one that he could? A lyric from a Jimmy Eat World song floated through his mind like ice in a rocks glass, and he couldn’t help but laugh out loud at the timing.

“If I don’t let myself be happy now, then when?” He sang softly to himself and realized that while he didn’t know the answer to that question yet, maybe it was time to learn how. “Fucking Jim Adkins,” he muttered under his breath.

Picking up his phone, he selected the first string of messages in his inbox and texted Chris. “Biscuits and gravy?”

While waiting for a response, he got busy cleaning his living room. Empty food wrappers were collected and put in a trash bag that he immediately took to the dumpster once it was full. Mindful of the time, he gathered all of his laundry and piled it in front of the washer, separating it into lights and darks like his mother had taught him to do. He stripped the bed, wrinkling his nose at the stench of sweat and alcohol that permeated the material. Those would get washed first, he decided and tossed them in the washer.

He quickly Febreezed the mattress, waiting for it to dry before remaking it with clean sheets and blankets. He cleaned every flat surface in the room and emptied the bedside garbage, wincing at the number of mini-liquor bottles inside. On his way back to the living room to check his phone, he paused and turned in the doorway to look at the bedroom with fresh eyes. It wasn’t perfect, but it was a start, and that was what mattered.

Jensen had a response from Chris when he checked his phone again; the message said only “9 am, Red Apple.” Glancing at the clock, he groaned when he saw it was just barely 5 am. It would take him less than 15 minutes to get to Carol Stream, 20 if he took his time. Still, he texted a confirmation to Chris and looked at the biohazard zone that had become his apartment. Rolling up the sleeves of his Henley, Jensen got to work.

 

Walking into the restaurant, Jensen immediately saw Chris waving to him from a corner booth in what had once been the smoking section, their favorite place to sit. Groaning as he sat down, Jensen made grabby hands at the coffee Chris was sipping. Chris handed it over, and Jensen drank it slowly, mindful of how hot it was. Chris waited until Jensen had finished the mug and set it down before he spoke.

“You look like shit,” Chris observed, and Jensen shrugged.

“You’re one to talk,” Jensen shot back. They sat in silence as the waitress came with another mug for Chris and filled both mugs on the table to the brim. After taking their order, she walked away to key it in for the kitchen and Jensen leaned back in the booth, resting his head on the wall and staring at the ceiling for a long moment. Chris was quiet, waiting patiently for Jensen to gather his thoughts.

Looking at Chris, Jensen cupped his coffee mug, needing the heat for comfort. “Do you think I make myself unhappy?”

Chris blinked slowly for a moment, waiting for the punchline. When none came, he stared at his coffee cup for a long moment before answering. “I think you’d rather bite the hand than take the sugar cube.”

Jensen huffed a laugh. “You and your horse metaphors.” The waitress came with their food, and the next few minutes were spent shuffling plates and chowing down. 

“Are you thinking of doing something about it,” Chris asked, wiping his mouth with a napkin and taking a sip of coffee. 

Visions of begging Jared to take him back, give him another chance crossed his mind, but if he was honest with himself, the thought terrified him. His pride was stung as well; he’d always made it a point to be the one that left, instead of the one being left, and the fact that Jared had left without a backward glance still stung. Still, something had to bend before he broke and if it was his pride, then so be it. “What kind of something did you have in mind,” he asked hesitantly, finishing the last of the coffee in his mug and leaning back in the booth.

“Talking to someone,” Chris started, and when Jensen started shaking his head in protest, he continued. “Talking to a professional,” he clarified, waving to the server. She brought over the pot of coffee and refilled both their mugs before walking away again. 

“I’m not talking to anyone at the VA, man. The last thing I need is to be drilled about what I saw in the Stan while being judged from the safety of an office,” Jensen snapped, his hand rubbing his neck. “I don’t need to hear that shit.” 

“And you don’t have to, Jen. No one said you did,” Chris replied, doctoring his coffee before taking a long sip. 

“I mean, it’s not like it has anything do with combat or anything like that,” Jensen continued, stirring his coffee almost meditatively. 

“Didn’t say it did,” Chris said calmly, taking another sip of his coffee while staring at Jensen. 

Jensen stared down at the remains of his breakfast, his brow furrowed in concentration. He wasn’t opposed to talking to someone; he’d just always felt it wasn’t for him. When his father had left his mother for good, his school counselor at the time had suggested the idea of therapy after his grades began to drop. His mother’s solution had been to move to Chicago. The subject of counseling was never brought up again, and Jensen grew to think of it as something that wasn’t for him. 

Sitting in a room talking to someone about his feelings, and rehashing all the decisions he’d made throughout his life, didn’t strike him as a fun way to spend a few hours a week. Still, if the two people in his life that knew him the best were suggesting it to him, maybe it was something he should seriously consider. 

“If you’re serious,” Chris continued, drawing Jensen’s attention back to him, “I know someone in the business. They’re great at what they do, I promise.” His muttered addition of “You know her, actually” was cut off by the waitress coming by with the check. After the ensuing argument of who was paying, Jensen forgot to ask him to repeat it. 

 

A few days later, he pulled up to a nondescript building in downtown Naperville and stood outside the entrance for a moment, looking around. It was a small, two-story brick building on Jefferson, just a few blocks from the main drag. It looked like one of the original houses in the city, and Jensen chuckled when he remembered an afternoon of Jared driving around and telling him about how some of the houses in the older suburbs needed to be on the Historic Register to save them from being torn down. 

Enraged by the idea of the older homes disappearing to make room for the McMansion craze, Jared’s hands had been a blur of movement as he gestured to the homes and sketched out with his fingers and twists of his wrists how much architectural history each home had. Jensen had laughed at the time, and teased Jared for caring so much about something so weird. Funny how now, he’d give anything to hear Jared lecture him on the history of the building he was standing in front of. 

Shaking his head and realizing that he was only delaying the inevitable, Jensen opened the front door and walked inside. The entranceway had plush carpet and small design accents throughout the room; it looked fancy, for lack of a better word, and Jensen began to worry whether or not he could afford more appointments with this doctor.

Walking down the hallway, he found the door for Doctor Harris’s office quickly enough. Just as he was about to push open the door, it swung open suddenly to reveal a frail-looking old woman, her eyes huge behind her comically thick glasses. She gave him a smile Jensen recognized as a reaction to his looks, something he’d been dealing with since he was a boy, and he gave her a warm smile in return. 

“You must be Jason,” she cooed, taking him by the wrist and ushering him into the office. She perched carefully in the small chair near the window on the left side of the room and gestured for him to join her at the seat across from her desk. 

“Jensen,” he gently corrected, following her into the room and sitting down in the chair she indicated. There was a large potted plant that dominated one corner of the room, and a door on the wall across from them. 

“Ah, yes. Of course. I saw you walk up to the building, and when you didn’t come in I thought to myself- ‘Maggie, that cute boy is lost.’” She smiled at him warmly and tucked a curl behind her ear before starting to tap away at the keyboard in front of her. “So, tell me about yourself, Jensen,” she said, sifting through papers on her desk without looking up.

Jensen could feel himself beginning to shut down. As nice as Maggie was, there was no way he was going to tell a sweet 70-year old woman, who was probably 95 pounds soaking wet, that he liked to be tied to a bed and spanked until he cried. “Well, I’m originally from Richardson, right outside of Dallas, but my mom moved us up here my junior year of high school…”

The door across the room opened, and a woman about Jensen’s age popped her head out, interrupting him. “Hey, Maggie- Is my 4:00 here? Oh, Jensen, good. I’d hoped you hadn’t gotten lost on the way over.” The redhead entered the room and crossed to where he was sitting, hand extended.

Jensen accepted the handshake, a faint memory pulling at his mind. “You’re Doctor Harris,” he asked, feeling as though he had met her somewhere before. 

The woman gave him a dazzling smile and nodded. “Call me Danneel. Let’s get to business, shall we?” She turned and walked back to the open door, gesturing for him to enter first. “Maggie, this is my last one for the day, so go on ahead and go home, okay?” Not waiting for an answer, she closed the door and turned to face Jensen. “Please, sit down! I’m going to get a neck crick otherwise, staring up at you for an entire hour. Plus, these shoes are not made for standing. Oof.”

She sat in one of the two large plush chairs in the office, a coffee table separating them. There were large potted plants in the corners of the room, as well as an antique-looking desk and chair near the large picture window that dominated one wall of the room. Jensen sat in the chair that faced the window, a seating arrangement he doubted was coincidental. He noticed that much of the art hanging on the walls was not the standard doctor’s office fare, and in fact, one of the framed photos was one he remembered taking downtown the summer before.

“So, Jensen,” Danneel said, leaning back in the chair and kicking off her heels. “What brings you to see me today?” 

Jensen raised an eyebrow at her casual attitude but said nothing about it. Instead, he leaned back in the chair as well, shrugging as he did so. “Everyone kept telling me I needed to be here, so here I am.” 

“But you wouldn’t have made the appointment if you hadn’t thought you were going to get something out of it,” she countered. Jensen had no response to that, other than a raised eyebrow. “We can start off slow. We don’t have to start digging up all the skeletons from your closet on the first session.” She waited for Jensen to nod before she continued. The person who initially suggested you seek help, or made you think that you needed to- You obviously respected their judgment enough to follow through with this session. Tell me about them.” 

“I… I don’t think that’s the best place to start, “Jensen said hesitantly, remembering coffee-flavored kisses in the morning, the smell of leather at night and in between, music and laughter and so much happiness he’d thought his heart would burst.

“Fair enough. You said that everyone kept telling you to talk to someone. Tell me about another person who suggested it,” Danneel said, taking a sip from the mug on the coffee table.

“Tell you about Chris?” Jensen asked, wondering what this had to do with him coming to her for therapy. 

“If he was one of the people that suggested you meet with me, then yes. I’d like you to tell me about Christian.” 

Jensen raised an eyebrow. “How do you know his full name?” 

Danneel tilted her head, a confused look on her face. “We’ve been friends since high school. Why wouldn’t I know his full name?” 

“Did you guys date in high school or something,” he asked, frowning as he tried to place her in his memories. 

“Do you seriously not remember me,” Danneel asked, leaning forward in her chair with a frown.

Jensen shook his head. “Not really, no. I mean, Chris changed girlfriends more than I changed socks. There was no way I was gonna be able to remember them all.” 

Danneel gave him an unimpressed look. “Wow. Really, dude? First of all, Christian and I ever slept together. Ever. Second, I followed your band around for a summer while I wrote my anthropology paper on band dynamics.” 

Suddenly, Jensen could see her with dark hair and a ratty band t-shirt, throwing devil horns in the audience with her nose pierced and shoulders covered in graceful ivy tattoos. It was the polar opposite of the calm and collected woman sitting across from him in a modest button-up shirt and suit jacket, natural red hair pulled into a messy ponytail. “You were a groupie!” Jensen exclaimed, snapping his fingers and pointing at her. 

Danneel rolled her eyes and sighed, the smile on her lips taking the heat out of the action. “Sure, let’s go with groupie. Doesn’t take away from the fact that you were all fascinating study material. It’s the reason I decided to pursue psychology instead of anthropology.” 

“So we were pretty fucked up, even back then,” Jensen joked, a broad smile on his face.

Danneel hummed. “What makes you say that?”

“Well, you said it yourself. We were crazy enough to make you change your major, so we had to be pretty bad off or you wouldn’t have thought to do it, right?”

“Now, I never said you were messed up. I said you were fascinating material.” Danneel shook her head, then took another sip of her coffee. “Now, enough about me. Tell me who suggested that you needed help, so we can start talking through that instead of my wild youth.” 

Jensen turned and stared out the window, watching the cars pass by on the street as a wave of guilt threatened to overwhelm him. Why was he here? How was Danneel going to help him when he was beyond damaged and deserved to be alone after everything he’d put Jared through. “This was a mistake,” Jensen muttered, moving to stand from the chair. His legs gave out underneath him, though, and when he looked down, he realized his hands were shaking. He clasped them tightly in his lap and turned to stare at Danneel helplessly. 

“I’m sorry, but this was a mistake, Danneel. I don’t… I don’t deserve to be here after what I did, and I don’t think that the mess I made can be fixed,” he said, staring down at his hands. 

“Jensen, everyone deserves to get help. You do deserve to be happy, whether you believe it right now or not.” Jensen’s head shot up at her choice of words, and she smiled sadly at him. “I guess something I just said struck a nerve?”

Jensen nodded slowly, trying to figure out how to express the feelings swirling around in him. “That’s something I’ve been struggling with for a while now, I guess. Jared… Jared had told me before he left that he hoped that I’d let myself be happy someday and that he was sorry that it wasn’t going to be with him.”

“This Jared sounds like he cares for you a lot. Tell me, what happened to make him say that, do you think?”

“I fucked up, okay? Repeatedly. I walked away instead of saying goodbye, I walked away without hearing him out, and my head was so far up my ass that I didn’t even know we were dating until he broke up with me and moved 2,000 miles away. I thought he was moving to Seattle to have French hipster babies with his friend from Paris when he’d asked me to move out there with him. How about that?”

Danneel gave a low whistle. “It sounds like you’ve got a lot to talk through, honestly.”

Jensen laughed humorlessly. “Yeah, you could say that.”

“Just so we’re clear- you can take all the time you need today to talk to me, talk through this. I don’t want you to feel like you have a time limit to speak with me.” Danneel said, leaning forward and resting her elbows on her knees.

“I thought my session was for just an hour? I never even asked- How much is this session costing me?” Jensen leaned forward, suddenly realizing that Maggie had never asked for his insurance information, had only taken his full name and scheduled the appointment.

Danneel gave a wide smile. “Jensen, I don’t want you to worry about that. Usually, sessions are an hour, yes, but your sessions are going to be a bit different. You will always be my last session of the day, and however long it takes is how long it will take. We’ll be working on a… Alternative revenue stream, if you will.”

“I’m not sure I’m comfortable trading mental stability and emotional health for sexual favors. Don’t get me wrong; you’re smoking, but still. Guy’s gotta draw the line somewhere.”

Danneel laughed, throwing her head back and snorting between breaths. “Oh, wow. Yeah, as flattered as I am, that is so not what I meant.”

“I’m sorry?” Jensen asked, raising an eyebrow as he opened the water bottle sitting next to him on the small table. Taking several long sips, he recapped the bottle and patiently waited for her to stop chuckling, handing her a tissue so she could wipe the tears from her eyes.

“Yeah, that’s not a thing that’s going to be happening between us. We can go one of two ways with this. I don’t want to charge you for these sessions, to be honest, because any friend of Chris’s is a friend of mine. I also know you don’t have a traditional job, and that means no health insurance. So, you can take the friends and family discount if you want.”

Jensen winced. “That sounds too much like charity for my tastes. What would the second option be?”

“I figured as much. You take amazing pictures, Jensen. I’ve seen you looking at the picture hanging on the wall over there- Chris gave it to me last Christmas, and to be honest, I want to take down the rest of the art in this office and replace it with your pictures. Would that be more acceptable?”

“I guess. I mean, I don’t think my pictures are necessarily worth as much as you’re offering, but I’ll accept the deal,” Jensen said, shrugging.

“Excellent. So, let’s start at the beginning. When did you walk away without saying goodbye?” She asked, taking a sip of coffee before picking up a small notepad and pen.

“2002, the night before I left for boot camp,” Jensen said, remembering fireflies and stars, the taste of pot heavy on his tongue and the stars reflected in Jared’s eyes. He smiled softly and shook his head. “I was friends with his brother and Jared was always this kid that followed us around. His brother left for college, though, so I didn’t see him for a few years. The night before I left for boot camp, my band played at a house party, and he showed up, all grown up and smoking hot.”

“Oh? And what happened?” Danneel asked, jotting down notes quickly.

Jensen had the grace to blush. “We, ah... You know.” 

“I see,” Danneel murmured. “And you said that you left without saying goodbye?”

“Yeah,” Jensen said, shifting in his chair uncomfortably. “I just… I wanted to keep that memory as a happy one, and saying goodbye seemed such a huge thing. I didn’t say goodbye to anyone. I told everyone I was leaving two weeks later than I did.”

“How did that go over?” Danneel asked, pausing in her note taking for a moment.

“Not well. My mom didn’t come see me when I graduated boot. Chris was the only one that came. It was rough, but it meant a lot that he made the drive all the way down to Fort Benning,” Jensen explained, staring at his hands for a long moment. “Chris has always been there for me, no matter what.”

“He’s a good friend to have; I know that personally. Once you have his friendship, it’s almost impossible to lose it. You strike me as the same. You don’t trust easily, do you?”

Jensen shook his head, finding himself staring at his photo on the wall again. “I don’t, I guess. My dad cheated on my mom for most of my childhood and left for good when I was 15. I guess he just woke up one morning and decided he couldn’t hack it anymore. Didn’t even say goodbye, just left.” There was a stab of pain in his chest at the memory, and then his mind made the connection. “Jesus, I did the same thing. For entirely different reasons, but still.”

Danneel nodded, the movement somehow sympathetic. “It’s hard to realize things like that about yourself, isn’t it? Painful, too. Alright, we’ll come back to that. What happened after that night?”

“Then I left for boot camp, and we didn’t see each other again for about three years.” 

Danneel made a humming noise, hand flying as she made notes. “What were the circumstances of that meeting?”

“I was on leave with some buddies in Paris, and Jared was working as a stripper at a gentleman’s club,” Jensen said wryly, fully aware of how it sounded.

Danneel snorted. “Wait, seriously?”

Jensen nodded, chuckling softly. “He was hotter than fire, and I was on leave. He walked me to the Louvre, and after we had stopped for a coffee, we headed back to his place for the night.”

“I feel like that’s an incredibly abbreviated version of events, but I’ll let that go for now. Is this when you left without letting him explain himself?” At Jensen’s nod, she jotted something down on her notepad. “The truth is usually pretty important for you. Why did you leave without getting it?”

“I’d just had one of the most intense sexual experiences of my life, and overheard him telling someone that she was the only girl for him. I freaked out and ran,” Jensen said, playing with the buckle on one of his cuffs.

“And do you know now who he was talking to?” Danneel asked, still jotting down notes.

“His mother,” Jensen said sheepishly.

“Ouch. So, you mentioned explosive sexual experiences. I take it the… Experience in Paris was a new one for you?” Danneel asked, looking up from her notepad and raising an eyebrow.

“It was, yeah. I’d been with girls, a lot of girls. Jared was the first guy I’d ever done anything with, and running into him so randomly… It felt like I could be 100% who I was, no walls or barriers, and it didn’t matter because the odds of us ever seeing each other again after that night were so slim,” Jensen said, taking another sip of water. “I think that’s why I freaked out so badly the next morning. I’d spent an amazing night with this guy, and hearing that in the morning just killed me.”

“You mentioned girls and Jared. Have there not been any other guys you were interested in?” Danneel asked, jotting something down before looking back up at him expectantly, noting his hesitation.

Jensen paused a long moment, choosing his next words carefully. “I’ve never really seen the point of labels, especially since they never really seemed to apply to me. You like who you like, and it’s not for me to judge who you go home with at night.”

“That’s fair. So, what made you want to try a relationship with Jared when you came back from the Army?”

“It wasn’t a relationship; it was an arrangement. We… We had mutual interests; we took care of each other’s needs. If either one of us found someone new that we were interested in, then we were to tell the other and we’d remain friends.”

“First, Jensen, stop tiptoeing around the subject. I’m guessing from your cuffs that the two of you were involved in a BDSM-type scenario?” Jensen felt his ears burn, but nodded all the same. “Alright. I understand your hesitance to say it outright, but you need to know that I’m not going to judge you for anything you say here. This office is a no-judgement zone, and I want you to remember that. Second, what you just said is the actual definition of a relationship. You were exclusive to someone for over a year, spent time together, and were impacted deeply by his decision to move to Seattle. Does that make sense?”

Jensen was silent for a long moment, realizing that she was right and feeling like an idiot for not seeing it sooner. They’d never applied labels to who they were, beyond Dom and Sub, but how much of that was out of Jared’s deference to Jensen’s dislike of labels? Would Jared have approached the situation differently if Jensen had let him? 

“I guess I never let myself think of it that way, to be honest. Making it something that could be permanent would also make it something that could be temporary. If I let myself get comfortable or emotionally attached to him, then it would hurt more when he inevitably left,” Jensen said softly, thinking of Jared’s soft smile in the mornings, of coffee-flavored kisses and the feeling of being home.

“It’s hard to separate physical pleasure from emotions, though. It sounds like you convinced yourself that you were compartmentalizing everything, but in reality, you fell in love without even realizing it,” Danneel said gently, and Jensen nodded. “So why didn’t you have that conversation with Jared? Even if he didn’t feel the same, it still might have been better to know.”

“I didn’t want to get hurt. Knowing that Jared didn’t feel the same, didn’t see the situation the way that I did, it would have hurt too much. And I mean, there’s got to be something more to love than commitment, right? What if he was only with me because I needed him to be? What if I asked him, and he told me that the feelings weren’t mutual, and wanted things to stay casual, no strings attached?” Jensen asked, his voice raw with emotion. “Even being alone, it’s better than sitting next to your lover and feeling lonely.”

Danneel nodded, jotting down notes quickly. Pausing, she looked up at him quizzically. “You just referred to him as your lover,” she said, then paused, pursing her lips. “Did you two ever exchange the big ‘L’, or did you not allow that?”

Jensen hesitated, mentally running through the last year of his life. One moment stood out, and he nodded. “Jared said it, last summer. I think he thought I’d already fallen asleep, and I don’t think he ever said it again.”

“So, he waited until he thought you were asleep to say it? Why do you think that is?” Danneel said, cocking her head to the side.

“Probably because if he’d said it while I was fully awake, I would have freaked out. The ironic thing is, I did everything I could to make him say it again, but he never did.”

“And you never said it back?”

Jensen shook his head mournfully. “I wasn’t there yet. I couldn’t say it and be sure that he would say it back, and him not saying it back would have wrecked me.”

Danneel nodded. “I think that you’ve hidden who you are for so long and from so many people that you’ve almost forgotten yourself. Finding someone that you wanted to open up to exposed you to the risk of getting hurt. That something you’d successfully avoided all your life, so you never let it get serious, never let Jared try to plan anything for the future, and kind of made Jared think there was no future for the two of you. Does that make sense?”

Jensen was stunned. He ran through what Danneel had said over and over in his mind, picking the sentences apart and trying to find something he could argue with. Then he remembered Jared’s sad eyes in the bar, his wish for Jensen to be happy, and sighed. “No, it makes perfect sense.”

“We’ll come back to that again. So, tell me about your cuffs- They’re obviously very important to you.”

Jensen touched the edge of one self-consciously, fingering the soft edge of the material. “Yeah, they are. Jared gave them to me for my birthday last year, and I haven’t taken them off since he gave them to me.” Just remembering that night made his dick twitch in his jeans, and he shifted in the chair uncomfortably. “I guess they’re comforting, in a way.”

“How so,” Danneel asked, reaching across the coffee table and gesturing for Jensen to put his hand in hers so she could inspect the fine detail of the cuff on his right wrist. “These are beautiful, Jen.”

“They give me rules, structure. They’re not as obvious as a collar, but if I go out to a club, anyone who knows about this kind of stuff will know I’m spoken for and won’t try to pick me up.” Jensen explained, turning his wrist so she could see the detailing around the buckles. He glanced at her, clearly uncomfortable. “That and they’re an anchor. I belong to something, to someone. 

“The same someone you didn’t want to admit you belonged to?” Danneel asked, quirking an eyebrow.

Jensen laughed, pulling his wrist gently from her grasp. “I never said I wasn’t complicated, Danni.”

“Point taken. Alright. So, I need more coffee, and I think this would be a good spot to take a short break. Stretch your legs, have a cigarette, whatever you need to do. Meet me back here in, say, ten minutes? I’ll make a cup for you as well.”

Jensen nodded, standing from the chair and stretching stiffly. Glancing outside, he realized it had grown dark outside, and turned to Danneel in confusion. “I didn’t know it had gotten so late,” he murmured. 

“If you want to call it quits for tonight, that’s fine. I think we’re making some progress, and I don’t know about you, but it feels more like hanging out together than a session. I cleared my schedule when you made your appointment, so I don’t have anything going on tonight. It’s up to you, though.”

“No, I’d like to keep talking, if that’s okay. This actually,” Jensen paused, searching for the right words. “This feels really good, talking to someone that isn’t Chris or one of my Army buddies.”

Danneel nodded, a soft expression on her face. “Sometimes, you just need the right person to talk to about the things that are bothering you. I’m truly glad you called, Jensen. Now scoot- I need my stretches and coffee.” 

Jensen turned and left Danneel’s office, stepping outside and walking the required 15 feet from the door before lighting up a cigarette. The session was going well, way better than he had expected it to, and he was surprised to see that so much time had passed while they were talking. Jensen knew he still had a long way to go before he could even pretend to be better, but he could see a light at the end of the tunnel, and for the first time in a long time, Jensen allowed himself to hope.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dearly Departed Soundtrack
> 
> 1\. Here By Me – 3 Doors Down 2\. Dreaming With A Broken Heart – John Mayer 3\. Better Than I Know Myself – Adam Lambert 4\. Winter – Joshua Radin 5\. All of the Stars – Ed Sheeran 6\. A Long December – Counting Crows 7\. Been Down – Blue October 8\. Photograph – Ed Sheeran 9\. I Don’t Know You Anymore – Savage Garden 10\. Take A Bow – Madonna 11\. Where I Stood – Missy Higgins 12\. Bleed Out – Blue October 13\. Something Better – Tantric 14\. Just Give Me A Reason – P!nk 15\. Almost Lover – A Fine Frenzy 16\. When I Was Your Man – Bruno Mars 
> 
> [Dearly Departed on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/user/1221018653/playlist/3zRDFrdu5GW4vXd8zjMwQB)


	9. The Resolution

# 

# 

Chicago, June 2013

  

Friday afternoon found Jensen at Chris’s house for their now-weekly jam session. Since Jared had left town, Jensen’s circle of friends had grown smaller but stronger. Through the therapy sessions with Danneel, Jensen had finally begun to understand the benefits to opening up. He still saw her, but it was monthly now, instead of what had been weekly sessions, and most of their time was spent talking about where Jensen wants to go and how he wants to get there. Danneel helped him focus on the long term, instead of short-term reactions to things, and he couldn’t believe how far he’d come since his first session. His friendship with Chris had deepened, and the closeness he now felt with Chad of all people made Jensen glad he’d taken Jared’s advice and learned how to let himself be happy. 

Jensen had started working at Jean’s bar shortly after Jared left; swearing off dating for a while had left him with a lot of time on his hands, even after enrolling in online classes, so he’d started working as a bartender at McRory’s on nights that he wasn’t covering shows for Alona. He loved bartending; it allowed him to meet new people, get to know the regulars better, and best of all: He got to kick Chad out when he got too annoying.

Carrying several heavy bags of groceries, he leaned on the doorbell until Chris answered the front door and let him in. “Damn, son! Did you buy the whole store?” Chris exclaimed, grabbing a few of the bags and following Jensen to the kitchen. 

“Naw, just everything you asked me to buy. I know we’ve got a lot of people coming over tonight, man, but did you really need fifty pounds of ribs?” Jensen asked, rubbing his shoulder exaggeratedly. 

“Son, with all the folks we got coming over tonight, we’re gonna be lucky if we have enough,” Chris answered, pulling a cooler out from the pantry in the kitchen. “Why don’t you start putting all that in the fridge while I get the cooler set up out back? You know where everything goes.”

With that Chris opened one of the French doors leading to the backyard and walked outside, carrying the cooler with him and leaving the backdoor open. Jensen could hear Mike, Tom, and Steve talking out on the patio, their voices carrying on the soft summer breeze. Chris was talking about going out on another mini-tour in the fall, and Steve was, from the sound of it, reminding Chris of all the reasons he’d sworn off touring the year before.

Jensen heard footsteps approaching the kitchen, but they stopped just short of entering the house. “Did you buy your ticket yet, at least?” Jensen could hear Mike asking, and Chad’s response came over the shifting of ice being poured into the cooler.

“Oh, hell yeah. Like, the week I got the save the date. He’d kill me if I wasn’t there.” Chad’s voice moved closer, and Jensen idly wondered who they were talking about as he finished putting the vegetables in the crisper drawers of the fridge.

“I’m guessing Gen would be more likely to kill you. Jay would just look at you with those big puppy eyes until you felt bad and apologized,” Mike said, snickering. Jensen paused for a moment, listening carefully while the package of shrimp warmed in his hand.

They moved away from the door, arguing good-naturedly about the Cubs and White Sox until Jensen could no longer make out what they were saying. Jensen resumed putting away the groceries methodically, years of being friends with Chris coming handy for knowing where everything belonged. He left meat in the sink for Chris to deal with, figuring he’d have a separate plan for what he wanted to be done with those. 

Grabbing a cold beer, Jensen closed the fridge and cursed when a piece of paper fell off the refrigerator and fluttered onto the floor. Bending to pick it up, he felt a shiver run down his spine when he saw what it was.

In gold script on mint green cardstock, the words “Genevieve Cortese and Jared Padalecki, together with their parents” stared up at him. It was a wedding invitation. Jared was getting married. Jensen quickly scanned the rest of the invitation for the date of the ceremony and saw that it was scheduled for the following day. Jensen feels his blood run cold; his friends had all been avoiding talking about Jared all month, and Jensen now understood why. 

Taking the invitation outside, he walked to where the five of them were sitting around the patio table. “So, anyone wanna tell me what the hell this is?” Jensen threw the invitation on the table, taking a long pull from his beer and waiting for someone to speak up. 

One by one they all have the grace to look away from Jensen’s accusing gaze, each looking various shades of guilty. “Come on, guys. I thought you were my friends. What the fuck?” 

Finally, Chris spoke up. “Jen, we were gonna tell you about it, I swear, but were you really expecting an invitation to your ex’s wedding?”

“You could have told me! Is that why you left it on your fridge, asshole?” Chris flushed at the accusation, and Jensen knew he’d hit the nail on the head.

“Best Friend’s Wedding,” Chad coughed. Mike and Tom both reached over to slap him upside the head, and while he was fast enough to dodge Mike, Tom’s hand connected soundly. “Hey, fuckers! Easy on the hair,” Chad whined, patting the blond spikes gingerly to make sure they were still in place. Chris rolled his eyes exaggeratedly, laughing quietly to himself. 

“Seriously, Chad. What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Jensen said, pulling a chair out from the table and taking a seat. 

“Man, all I’m saying is that maybe you didn’t get sent an invitation because Jaybird didn’t want you to pull a Julia Roberts and crash the wedding,” Chad explained and ducked when Mike raised his hand again threateningly.

“I haven’t even talked to him in over a year, Chad. Why the hell would he be worried about that,” Jensen asked, staring down intently at the bottle of beer in his hand. 

“Because you still love him, idiot, and he still loves you,” Chad said, and when Jensen glanced up, he saw everyone sitting around the table nodding in agreement.

Jensen was shocked into silence; over the last year and a half, he’d worked hard to get to where he was now. He’d grown as a person and overcome a lot of his coping mechanisms, learning why he did what he did and how he could react differently in the future. Jensen had done a lot of work, and he’d stopped thinking of it as something that Chris and Jared had told him he needed to do and started thinking of it as something he needed to do for himself. He’d never thought he’d have the option of trying to win Jared back, but now…

Mike cleared his throat, and Jensen glanced up to see him staring at Jensen intently. “So, Jen. What are you going to do?”

“This makes no sense, guys. If Jared really still loved me, why would he be marrying Gen instead of coming back and telling me that?” Jensen shook his head, taking another long sip of beer. The sun shone brightly through the trees overhead, and Jensen could hear the buzzing of cicadas somewhere nearby. The silence after his question dragged on, and Jensen was content to let it go. Closing his eyes, he tipped his head back and rested it on the back of the lawn chair, feeling the sun warm his face. He could practically feel the freckles popping out on his nose and cheekbones, but couldn’t find it in himself to care. 

“Because maybe it’s your turn to make the grand gesture,” Chris said, and Jensen dropped his head back down to stare at Chris, opening his eyes slowly. Chad nodded owlishly. 

“Man, this reminds me of a Jimmy Eat World song, and I’m not sure how I feel about that,” Tom muttered, and at Mike’s confused glance, he started singing. “Are you gonna live your life standing in the back, looking around?”

“Fucking Jim Adkins, man,” Jensen muttered, rubbing his hands over his face. Wearily, he dropped them back onto the table and looked around the group. “So, even assuming I believe you assholes, there is no way I can come up with the money that quickly for a last-minute trip.”

“Say no more, buddy,” Tom said, pulling his laptop from the case by his chair. Mike helpfully plugged it into the extension cord usually used for Chris’s outdoor stereo system. Chris and Chad got up to stand behind him as he typed quickly, and the four of them proceeded to spend the next few minutes muttering amongst themselves.

“Alright, Ackles- Here’s the plan. You’re leaving on a 5:30am flight to Seattle. You’ve got a layover in Denver first, but beggars can’t be choosers. You’ll land around noon, which gives you roughly three hours to get to the wedding before it starts. Your return ticket is open-ended, so just call the airline when you’re ready to come back to Chicago and they’ll arrange everything.”

“Guys, I can’t accept this. That ticket must have cost a small fortune, and I don’t want you maxing your cards out for me,” Jensen pleaded, fingering the buckles on his cuffs and feeling incredibly uncomfortable with the situation.

Mike waved Jensen’s objections away. “I have more miles than I know what to do with because of work, and some of them are going to expire soon. If it helps, think of it as a thank you for keeping Tom and I’s secret when we were in the Army.”

“I have some rewards points saved up through Enterprise, so it’s not like your car rental is costing me anything. Besides, you took that picture of my grandparents’ house in La Fox before it got torn down last year, remember?” Chad pointed out, and Jensen shook his head.

“Guys, really. I appreciate everything you’re doing for me, I do. But I can’t just take your miles- “Jensen was cut off by Chris, who leaned forward in his chair with an angry expression on his face.

“Jensen, I love you like a brother, but you need to shut the fuck up. This isn’t charity; it’s all of us coming together to help a friend. You’d do the same for us if you could, so just quit it,” he said, jabbing a finger into Jensen’s shoulder. Chris ignored his wince and continued. “Now, go home and pack so I can take you to the airport later.”

“Yeah, Ackles. My best friend deserves to be wooed and shit. Now go get your man, and don’t fuck it up again!” Chad exclaimed, the threatening words completely ruined by the fact that he looked like a slightly drunk hedgehog.

Jensen stood and opened and closed his mouth for a moment, searching for the right words to say. “Guys, I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you’d do this for me. Thanks so much.” He turned and jogged around the house, and after a moment there was the sound of a car starting and gravel under tires.

The four remained quiet for a long moment until they were sure Jensen had actually left. Mike and Tom started laughing, and Chris just stared at Chad with a confused look on his face. 

“‘My best friend deserves to be wooed?’” He repeated incredulously, and Chad shrugged. 

“What? I’m not wrong. Besides, under that prickly exterior, Jensen Ackles is a sappy romantic that needed the right encouragement to get his ass in gear.” 

“Are you guys sure this was the best way to do this? What if he gets there too late?” Mike asked, peeling the label from his bottle of beer. 

"Hey," Tom exclaimed, pointing the beer in his hand at his boyfriend. "It was your idea to fuck with the invitation. Don't tell me you're getting cold feet.”

 

Jensen landed in Seattle at noon and took a shuttle to the rental car facility. He found himself frantically checking his phone every five minutes, painfully aware that his window of opportunity was rapidly closing. The wedding was at 3:00 on the Kitsap Peninsula and Google Maps helpfully informed him that there were multiple accidents on I-5 South, so he decided to take the ferry from Seattle to Bainbridge Island and drive from there.

He managed to make it to the ferry terminal moments before the gates closed, and after turning his car off and making his way up to the passenger lounge, he got a cup of coffee from the Seattle’s Best vending machine and stepped out onto the rear deck. He stared at the city in front of him, the city that Jared had chosen to make his home. He saw the Smith Tower and its blue-orbed top and remembered Jared excitedly telling him the history of the building his new office was going to be located in. Once the tallest building on the West Coast, it was now dwarfed by its younger siblings but still managed to look distinguished in the skyline. 

There was a light rain beginning to fall, but Jensen stayed out on the deck. He walked around to the front of the ferry and looked at the houses on the islands in the Sound, trying to imagine himself living in one someday. Maybe, if things worked out with Jared… He shook his head, chuckling to himself. He didn’t want to jinx things by getting ahead of himself and had more important things to think about than a future that might not even happen.

Still, it was a beautiful area, with tall conifers everywhere he turned and the tang of the ocean in the air. It stopped drizzling gradually, and when the sun broke out it was almost blinding in its intensity. He looked down at the water and was startled to see a pair of sea otters pacing the ferry as they turned slightly east and made their way to the ferry terminal. Glancing at his phone, he realized there were about ten minutes left of the journey and decided to wait out the remaining time in the car, hopefully deciding what he was going to say when he got there.

His phone rang as he was making his way down the narrow stairs to the cargo bay, and he glanced down to see it was Chris calling. As tempting as it was just to ignore it, he sighed and swiped right to answer the call. “What’s up, Chris?”

“Hey man, did you land okay?”

“Yeah, landed about an hour ago. It’s amazing how fast you can get through an airport when all you have is a carry-on bag.” Jensen pressed the alarm button on the key fob and opened the car door, sliding in and closing the door behind him with a soft click. He leaned back in the seat, watching the other ferry passengers leisurely make their way to their cars as their destination slowly came into view.

“Yeah, I hear you on that one,” Chris said, bringing Jensen’s focus back to the phone call. “Listen, I know you’re hoping to get there before the ceremony starts.” Chris paused, and Jensen could hear Chris mumbling to someone else in the room. “We’re all wondering, man. What are you going to do if you don’t make it?”

Jensen closed his eyes, feeling a sudden tightness in his chest. He’d avoided thinking about it during his flight, using the time to sleep and listen to music instead.

“Jensen?” Chris prodded, sounding concerned.

“Yeah, Chris. I’m here.” Jensen took a deep breath and was proud of himself for how steady he exhaled. “I honestly haven’t thought of that, man. I gotta focus on getting there in time. I just do. If I get there too late, well…”

“Yeah,” Chris muttered, and there was the sound of hushed talking in the background again. “Well, we’re all rooting for you man, whatever happens. And Jean wants you to know how proud she is of you, by the way.”

“Tell her I said thanks, And Chris- thanks, man. Thanks for not giving up on me. I know I haven’t always been the easiest person to be friends with.”

“Pain in the ass, more like it.”

“I know, I know. I really do appreciate everything you’ve done for me, though.”

“Don’t mention it. Really, don’t. Your little confessional in the bar a few months back has used up our sharing and caring time for the rest of our lives. From now on, you’re on your own, son.”

The ferry shuddered slightly as it docked, and Jensen rested the phone on his shoulder as he pulled his seatbelt on. “Listen, man. I’m sorry, but I’ve gotta run. We just docked, and I still have another 30 minutes to go before I get there.”

“Drive safe, man. Give me a call tonight, yeah? Let me know how it goes?”

“Will do. Later, man.” Jensen disconnected the call just as the car in front of him began to move, and Jensen hurriedly put his car into gear. Following the signs for Highway 305, Jensen continued his drive north, trying to figure out what he was going to say and failing miserably.

20 minutes and several broken traffic laws later, Jensen pulled into the packed parking lot at Kitsap Memorial State Park. He pulled into the last parking spot available at the back of the lot, turned off the car but left the radio on, and took a deep breath. Closing his eyes, he rested his head against the head rest of the car. Thinking hard, he tried to put all of his reasons for flying out here into words that were eloquent, words that would convince Jared that he was about to make a terrible mistake. 

“Bigger than taking you back again?” A voice in his mind asked, a voice that sounded suspiciously like Chad. 

Jensen shook his head, chasing the thought away. He knew he’d messed up, several times. He knew he’d never been the perfect boyfriend or much of a boyfriend at all for that matter. He just wished there was a way that he could tell Jared that, tell him that Jared had been his reason for walking out of Iraq safe and sound, for overcoming so many fears he’d had, for becoming the person he was now. Suddenly, a familiar song came on the radio, and Jensen remembered hearing Jared humming it softly to himself that first night on the trampoline ten years ago, watching the fireflies flit through the branches of the trees above them. 

A young man walked past, a guitar strapped to his back, and Jensen smiled to himself, a plan forming in his mind.

Perfect.

# 

Jared was standing at the end of the path that wound through the trees to the edge of the park; overhead, the branches of the ancient trees surrounding them were covered in moss, and at the bottom of the cliff, the ocean lapped at the rocky shore. Behind the trellis they’d constructed that morning, the Olympic Mountain range rose high in the distance, and fluffy white clouds drifted lazily across the sky. 

Beside him, Genevieve looked positively radiant in her white lace gown; the browns and greens of the tall pines surrounding them set off the rich mahogany hues of her hair, making her look like a fey queen. He tugged again at the starched collar of his dress shirt, shifting from foot to foot. Genevieve arched an eyebrow at him, and Jared shook his head. He was nervous, but was also simply excited about the day and the occasion they were celebrating.

Genevieve had insisted on hiring a string quartet for the ceremony, and Jared had to admit that, like most things, she’d had the right idea. They were currently playing an undeniably beautiful rendition of Rise Against’s “Swing Life Away,” and Jared found himself humming along as they played. The song had always reminded him of warm summer evenings on apartment balconies, of cold beer and live music and all the things he missed so much about Chicago.

Further down the path, in the main hall, Dmitri was getting his DJ equipment set up for the reception. He’d flown in from Paris the night before, and much of the evening had been spent reminiscing about working together at the club, and catching each other up on their current lives. It had been a few years since he and Dmitri had spoken, and Jared realized he’d missed his friend, missed his unflinching honesty and downright perverted sense of humor. They’d ended the night promising to be better about keeping in touch with each other, and Jared had made tentative plans to visit in the fall, once all the tourists had left for the season.

All in all, it had been a good weekend so far, and he was excited to see that so many friends from Paris had been able to make it for the wedding. His eyes sweeping the crowd, he felt his heart sink a bit. It had been a year since he’d left to put down roots in Seattle for good, and as much as he loved the friends he’d made there, most of whom were in attendance today, there were still some noticeable absences. He’d made sure an invitation had been sent to Chad, he hadn’t shown up to the rehearsal the night before, and Jared didn’t see him seated with the rest of the crowd. He hadn’t sent an RSVP either, but he’d still hoped Chad might show up today.

The string quartet played the last few notes of the song, and a hush fell over the crowd as everyone turned expectantly to the beginning of the aisle, a white lace runner winding its way through the tall pines. A breeze rustled through the trees, carrying the tang of the ocean air with it. For a brief moment, Jared thought he smelled Tom Ford’s Oud Wood cologne on the breeze, and he immediately thought of Jensen. He’d always imagined something like this for them, an end-game of together forever until death did them part. He shook his head sadly, blinking a few times to clear his eyes. 

In the silence that had fallen, Jared heard a single guitar start strumming somewhere behind the crowd, and a voice began singing, one that Jared immediately recognized. “I’m not a perfect person; there’s many things I wish I didn’t do. But I continue learning; I never meant to do those things to you. And so I have to say before I go that I just want you to know- I found a reason for me to change who I used to be, a reason to start over new, and the reason is you.”

Jared looked around, searching through the trees and trying to get a glimpse of the man singing as the sound of the guitar and singing grew louder.

When Jared looked towards the end of the aisle, what he saw took his breath away.

Instead of Colette, it was Jensen standing at the end of the aisle in a black blazer, white dress shirt and pair of dark-wash jeans, holding a guitar and looking so nervous Jared was worried that he’d bolt before he finished singing. He watched as Jensen took a deep breath, and continued to play.

“I’m sorry that I hurt you; it’s something I must live with every day. And all the pain I put you through, I wish that I could take it all away and be the one who catches all your tears. That’s why I need you to hear.” Jensen stopped halfway up the aisle and set down the guitar. He continued walking until he reached the altar. Smiling apologetically at Genevieve, he took Jared’s hand in his. “I found a reason to show a side of me you didn’t know. The reason for all that I do and the reason is you.” 

Jared stared at Jensen, unsure of what to say. There was a delicate sniff beside him, and he turned to see Genevieve smiling with tears in her eyes. “You two and your grand gestures. Interrupting a wedding with singing…”

“And revenge lap dances,” Colette finished, and Jared turned to see Colette standing behind Jensen in a white lace gown as well, veil pulled back so she could see more clearly.

“I…” Jensen gaped, looking from Genevieve to Colette to Jared and back again. “I don’t understand what’s going on.”

Jared chuckled. “Jensen, I’m marrying them today,” he said, pointing to the crowd of people now staring at the four of them.

“Jared, I know Washington is a relatively progressive state, but I’m pretty sure this is illegal,” Jensen whispered, looking scandalized.

“T’es vraiment trop con, Jensen. You’re interrupting my wedding. Colette is marrying me, Jared is performing the ceremony, and unless you’re going to serenade us later, casse-toi!” Genevieve snapped, but the comment was immediately ruined by the big smiles on her and Colette’s faces.

“Oh, shit! Yes, of course! Gen, Colette, I’m so, so sorry about this. I’ll make this up to you, I promise.” Jensen turned to walk away, his face burning as he realized just how big of an ass he’d made of himself.

“Hey, Jensen?” Colette called, and he turned back, eyebrow raised in question. “Aren’t you forgetting something?”

“What? The guitar? I’ll grab it, sorry.” He walked to where he’d left it, but he was stopped by Gen’s hand on his arm.

“If you’re going to take a redeye flight, drive like a madman, and crash a wedding, the least you can do is kiss the man!” Genevieve said, pushing him towards Jared until their noses touched.

“Hi,” Jared whispered, smiling softly.

“Hi yourself,” Jensen whispered back, putting his hands on Jared’s shoulders.

“That was a pretty amazing thing you did back there. Took a pretty big risk, didn’t you?” He asked, putting a hand on Jensen’s jaw and tilting his head up so he could look him in the eye. 

“Well, I figured it was my turn. You’ve always been open with me. I thought it was my turn to lay it all on the line.” Jensen paused, running his hand through the silky soft hair at the nape of Jared’s neck. “Did it work?”

Jared leaned down and kissed him in response, and for the first time in ten years, Jensen knew he was exactly where he was supposed to be.

# 

The ceremony was beautiful; Jared had apparently written the ceremony specifically for Genevieve and Collette, and by the time they were done saying their vows, there wasn’t a dry eye in the crowd. Jensen wiped tears away with the back of his hand, embarrassed by the show of emotion at a wedding he’d come to stop. The woman seated next to him glanced over in amusement, but then placed a hand on Jensen’s arm in a comforting gesture he was surprised to find he appreciated.

After the brides had walked down the aisle together, everyone began to clear out of the ceremony area and head to the main hall for hors d'oeuvres and champagne. Jensen stood awkwardly at the back of the crowd, waiting to extend his congratulations to the newlyweds. He shifted from foot to foot, glancing around the park and seeing at least a hundred shots he wanted to take. His camera was in his bag in the car; maybe he’d have time to take some pictures while Jared was busy taking pictures of the couple and their families.

Finally, Jensen was the last one in line, and when Gen turned and saw him, she gave Colette a nudge with her elbow. It was a bit disconcerting to be the object of that much attention, but when both stepped forward to hug him gently, he leaned into the hug and looked at Jared above their heads. He smiled softly, raising an eyebrow in question. Jared smiled in return and shook his head, shrugging gracefully. 

Gen and Colette eventually released him, stepping back with Gen’s arm around Colette’s shoulders. “Thank you for coming today, Jensen. It means a lot that you came to support us,” Gen said with a smirk, and Colette elbowed her in the side, laughing.

“What she means to say is that we’re happy you were able to make it, and we’re sure the song you’re going to sing for us during the reception will be lovely,” Colette explained, eyes sparkling with mischief. 

“You really want me to stick around? Won’t that be awkward?” Jensen asked, rubbing the back of his neck shyly and kicking a rock with the toe of his shoe. He felt out of place, didn’t know anyone there, and couldn’t understand why Gen would want him to stay when he’d technically come to stop her wedding.

“Why would we want you to leave? I’m sure we have plenty of food, and our Jared refused to bring a date, so there is a place for you at the table inside. Please, we insist that you stay for the reception,” Gen countered, and Jensen realized it was less an invitation and more a command.

Glancing at Jared for support, Jensen saw he was biting the inside of his cheek to stop himself from laughing. “You might as well do what they say, Jen. I’ve tried arguing with Genevieve before and I’ve never won.”

Jensen shook his head, laughing. “Okay, fine. You win. I’ll stay for the reception.”

Jared smiled so widely Jensen worried his face was going to split, and the girls looked from Jared to Jensen and back with twin expressions of amusement. 

Gen and Colette went to go take photos with the photographer, leaving Jensen and Jared alone at last. Jared’s smile hadn’t faded; it had only grown wider. Jensen found himself smiling in return. He opened his mouth to speak, wanting to Jared how he’d come to be there and why Jensen had almost ruined Gen’s wedding, but Dmitri appeared at Jared’s shoulder before he could say anything.

“Jared, can you please come help me with the playlist? I put it together last night while we were talking, but all the stuff you suggested isn’t showing up. I promise I will have you back to this delicious homme as soon as possible,” Dmitri said, blatantly looking Jensen up and down and making Jensen’s skin crawl.

Jared shot Jensen an apologetic look, but Jensen waved it off. “Go ahead. I’ll just go snag some appetizers and take some shots of the park. Find me later, okay?”

Jared nodded and turned to follow Dmitri into the hall, then stopped and walked back to Jensen quickly. Taking Jensen’s face in his hands, he kissed him thoroughly, pulling him close and moaning softly in the back of his throat. “Okay,” Jared whispered softly, pulling back and staring Jensen in the eye. He pecked Jensen again, quickly, then turned and walked into the hall.

 

Dinner looked fantastic, but Jensen barely tasted it. His attention was firmly on Jared, who was telling him stories of moving to Seattle and trying to settle in. Jensen was about to ask Jared about his current dating situation when a tinkling sound suddenly filled the room; he glanced to Genevieve and Colette, figuring it was the Midwestern tradition of clinking glasses to get the newlyweds to kiss. Instead, they were gently tapping spoons on their wine glasses as well, and Jared groaned beside him.

“Guess they’re actually going to make me do this,” he said, looking at Jensen with an apologetic look before standing. Dmitri stepped forward and handed Jared a microphone, and Jared cleared his throat nervously. 

“My name is Jared, and I’ve known both of the brides for about eight years now. I met Gen while working at her father’s firm as an intern in college, and upon finding out that I went home every night because I didn’t have anyone to hang out with, she immediately introduced me to all of her friends. That’s just the kind of friend Gen is- Whether it’s a part time job for some extra cash or moving to a different country to make your dream a reality, if she can help, she will.

“I remember the night Gen met Colette. We’d just finished working a shift together, and had gone to a café nearby for drinks before going home for the evening. Gen was telling me a story about a customer from earlier and in walks Colette with a friend. Gen literally stopped mid-sentence and stared at her. Colette did the same thing, and it was adorable to see the two of them trying to get the nerve to go talk to each other. Colette’s friend and I pushed the two of them together, and they’ve been that way ever since.

“I believe that, if there’s any kind of God in the world, it wouldn’t be in any of us. Not in you or me, but just in this little space in between. If there is any kind of magic in this world, it must be in the attempt of understanding someone, sharing something. I know it’s almost impossible to succeed, but maybe that’s the point. The answer must be in the attempt.

“I’m so honored that Genevieve and Colette asked me to officiate their wedding, and even happier to live in a place that recognizes their love. I wish them adventure, and travel, and more happiness than they know what to do with. To Genevieve and Colette,” Jared ended, raising his champagne flute. 

Jensen watched as Jared hugged each of the brides and gave Dmitri the microphone before making his way back to the table, blush high on his cheeks. “Good job, man!” Jensen exclaimed, clapping Jared on the back. 

“Thanks,” Jared said, taking a healthy sip of the wine in front of him. “Gen made me promise to leave anything about LesMac out of the speech, which kind of limited my options of telling people how they met.”

“Wait, what? You mean they didn’t meet at the café?” Jensen asked, feigning a scandalized expression.

Jared snickered. “Um, no. They met at the club, right after Colette started working there. She was having trouble with a customer, and Gen kicked him in the nuts so hard he had to be taken to the hospital.” Jensen stared at Jared’s face for any signs of lying and realized he was telling the truth.

“Holy shit. Remind me .to never piss Gen off,” Jensen said, shuddering and risking a glance at the brides’ table, where both Gen and Colette were staring at him intently. He jerked, startled by catching them staring, and glanced over at Jared, who was watching him with an amused expression. “Are they always this, ah…”

“Intense? Oh yeah. You get used to it, though, believe it or not.” Jared shook his head wryly, then fiddled with the small tea light candle on the table. 

Dmitri appeared at their table, tapping in his microphone to get everyone’s attention. “At this time, the brides would like to invite any single guests onto the floor for the bouquet toss,” he said, staring at Jensen with a glint of mischief in his blue eyes.

“They don’t mean…” Jensen said nervously, pointing at himself and making eye contact with Gen. She nodded, somehow making the gesture threatening, and Jensen sighed. He stood from the table, wincing at the noise of it scraping on the floor, and joined the rest of the men and women gathered in the dance area of the hall. 

Colette stood with her back to the crowd, glancing over her shoulder once before throwing her bouquet up in the air. Jensen made no move to catch it, and the woman standing next to him excitedly squealed when it landed in her hands. 

Next was Genevieve, who didn’t toss hers as Colette had. Instead, she faced the crowd and threw the bouquet directly at Jensen’s head. He caught it inches from his face, and from the glint in Genevieve’s eyes, he assumed she was mildly disappointed that it hadn’t actually hit him. He let out a surprised bark of laughter, and when she and Colette made their way over to where he was standing, Jensen instinctively put a hand on his crotch.

“I once told you not to hurt him again, Jensen,” Genevieve cooly, looking for all the world like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth.

“You did, and I ended up doing it anyway,” Jensen said calmly, fingering the soft leaves of the bouquet in a nervous gesture.

“But you didn’t mean to, did you?” Colette asked, putting an arm around Gen and pulling her close. 

“No, I didn’t,” Jensen agreed, wondering where this was going.

Genevieve nodded. “I believe you, Jensen, and I’m not going to give you the same speech this time. I’m glad you’ve learned from your past. Just remember- There are 21 million acres of forest in Washington state, and I know people. Enjoy the rest of your evening!” 

Jensen stood stunned in the center of the dance floor, staring at the retreating backs of two of the most terrifying women he’d ever met. Dmitri announced that the brides would have their first dance shortly, and Jensen walked back to the table. Setting the bouquet down carefully, as though it were made of venomous snakes instead of gardenias and peonies, he dug in his suit jacket for a cigarette and turned to walk outside.

Finding the cigarette bucket outside, he lit a cigarette with shaking hands and slowly exhaled the smoke, staring up at how it dissipated into the night air. There were footsteps behind him, and he turned to see Jared walking his way.

“You okay? She didn’t hit you with the bouquet, did she?” Jared asked, taking Jensen’s chin in one hand and tilting Jensen’s head to each side.

“Naw, I’m good. I just needed to get some fresh air,” Jensen explained, waving his cigarette around. 

Jared chuckled. “Man, I haven’t had one since I moved out here. People out this way don’t smoke much,” he said, taking the cigarette from Jensen’s hand and taking a drag. Jensen watched him put his lips where Jensen’s had been moments before, and his cock gave an interested twitch in his jeans.

“Anyway, they should be done dancing now, and I gotta help Dmitri start to wind things down. You sure you’re okay?” Jared asked, taking one last drag on the cigarette before handing it back to Jensen.

“You go on inside,” Jensen said, waving his hand. “I have to make a call first.” He waited until Jared had turned and walked into the hall before dialing Danneel’s number. He patiently waited for her to answer, unsurprised to hear club music playing loudly in the background when she did.

“Jensen! What’s going on?” She asked loudly. He winced and pulled the phone away from his hear, wondering why she’d bothered to answer. There was the sound of a slamming door, and the call suddenly got quieter. “Jensen? Is everything okay?” 

“What? Oh, yeah. Everything’s great, honestly. I just called to say thank you,” Jensen said shyly, kicking at the moss beneath his feet.

“Thank me for what? Where are you?” Danneel asked, sounding suspicious.

“Seattle,” Jensen said quietly and pulled his phone away from his ear again when she shrieked on the other end of the call. 

“Jensen Ackles, I am so damn proud of you. Don’t thank me, thank yourself for working so hard to get where you are now. Now, I love you, and I’m happy for you, but if you ever call me at 11 at night on a Saturday again, there will be severe consequences. Bye!” She said cheerfully, hanging up.

Jensen stared at the phone for a long moment and wondering what the hell just happened, then bursts out laughing. Shaking his head and chuckling to himself, Jensen turned and made his way back inside. 

 

They ended up staying late into the night talking; the party raged around them, but they only had eyes for each other. Jared rested his arm casually on the back of Jensen’s chair, occasionally brushing his back or arm with his fingers. Jensen gave an involuntary twitch every time but otherwise ignored it. He could feel Jared’s eyes on him when Jensen turned his head, and Jensen found that he liked the sensation of Jared’s eyes on him, of Jared checking him out and cataloguing the differences their time apart had caused. It felt like Downers Grove and Paris and Chicago all over again, a game of cat and mouse where both knew how it was going to end, but the fun was in getting there. 

The evening had turned out better than Jensen had allowed himself to hope it would; Jared wasn’t married, Jared had listened to him when he explained his side of things and didn’t hate him by the time Jensen had finished talking.

A server appeared at the side of their table, clearing his throat politely. His tie was pulled loosely around his neck and hair disheveled, and Jensen was startled to realize they were the last two people in the hall. “Sirs, if you don’t mind. The reception ended some time ago, and we still need to finish cleaning. We’ve given you as much time as we can, and please excuse my rudeness, but would you please be so kind as to GTFO?”

Jensen burst out laughing, and after a moment Jared followed suit. “Oh man, we’re so sorry. We totally lost track of time,” Jensen said, standing and retrieving his suit jacket from the back of his chair.

“Holy shit, it’s almost midnight. We’re so sorry, man.” Jared reached into his wallet, pulling out several hundred dollar bills. “Please spread this out amongst the crew? Everyone was fantastic tonight, really.” 

“The brides have already covered the gratuity, sir. I can’t accept this,” the server explained, trying to give Jared the money back.

“They covered the reception, sure. But y’all have let the two of us sit here for two hours past that, and I want you to know we appreciate it.”

Shaking his head and muttering something about tech people, the server turned and walked back into the kitchen area. 

“So, shall we?” Jared asked, turning a sunny smile to Jensen. 

Jensen found himself nodding, and realized with a warmth in his stomach that it didn’t really matter what Jared was asking him; he would say yes and follow wherever Jared wanted to lead him.

They made their way out to the parking lot together; Jensen knew they both had had their fair share of alcohol over the course of the reception, but he barely felt buzzed. Looking up into the night sky, he was startled to see so many stars overhead despite the scattered lights throughout the parking lot. 

“Less light pollution out this way,” Jared remarked quietly, staring up as well. “In the city… It’s not like Chicago, at least not on clear nights. You can see stars at night in Seattle, but you have to head east into the mountains or out here, on the peninsula if you want to see that.” He pointed, and Jensen moved closer to see where Jared was pointing. 

His breath caught in his throat in awe; above them, the Milky Way was faintly visible, winding its way across the sky. Jared slowly exhaled, and Jensen was startled to feel it across his ear. He hadn’t realized how close Jared had moved while he was staring up. “Sometimes, if the sky is clear, you can see the Northern lights in the winter time here. I saw it last year while out on a night hike, and all I could think about was how much I would have loved to share that with you.”

Jensen, unsure what to say, stayed silent and continued to stare up at the sky. A star shot across his field of vision suddenly, and he closed his eyes to make a wish. Opening them again, he sees that Jared had moved a few feet away, and was now looking back towards the park with a contemplative expression on his face. Jensen stood awkwardly for a moment before twirling the rental keys on their thick cable keyring for a moment. The noise made Jared turn his head and face Jensen, and he smiled softly before walking with Jensen the rest of his way to his rental car.

They stood under a light at the edge of the parking lot near the street, Jared leaning against the car parked next to Jensen’s rental car. They gradually stopped talking, reaching a comfortable lull in the conversation. They stood and stared at each other, neither making any effort to hide it. In this lighting Jared looked different, Jensen noticed. The planes of his cheekbones stood out under the overhead light, and the golden highlights in his hair gave him an ethereal appearance. The amber of his eyes caught the light as well, almost making them seem to glow from within. 

“So,” Jensen started, but Jared interrupted. 

“In… In Paris, you said something that stuck with me. We were sitting at that café, remember?” He waved a hand between them as if sketching out the scene. Jensen nodded, and Jared continued. “You said… You told me that you wanted me to touch you again, but you were afraid you’d dissolve into molecules.”

Jensen ducked his head, staring at the ground for a long moment. Thinking back to that night, when it had seemed everything was possible, he’d been utterly honest about everything, including the confession Jared was talking about. He’d thought that had backfired the next morning, that he’d laid his heart on the line only to have it returned without explanation. Jensen then spent the next seven years with a wall around his heart, protecting it from anything that could hurt it.

Except that wasn’t true, not really. He’d fallen in love with Jared all over again in Chicago but hadn’t been brave enough to tell him. The consequences of that had been Jared leaving, sure that Jensen didn’t see a future for them. Jensen was done running, done hiding, done keeping himself from being happy.

Jared was staring at Jensen patiently, letting him work through everything before he continued. Not trusting his voice, Jensen nodded.

“So, I want to try something,” Jared murmured, pushing off the car and stepping closer to Jensen.

“What is that,” Jensen asked, licking his lips nervously and standing up straighter while staring up at Jared.

Jared wrapped his arms around Jensen’s waist, pulling him close and resting his forehead on Jensen’s shoulder. “It’s been a while, again. I want to see if you stay together, or if you dissolve into molecules.”

Jensen held himself stiffly for a moment, then relaxed into Jared’s hug. Wrapping his arms around Jared’s waist, he rested his head in the crook of Jared’s neck and breathed in the scent of Bleu de Chanel, a fragrance that had begun to mean home and safety to him. “How am I doing,” he asked roughly, clearing his throat and breathing deeply again.

“You’re still here,” Jared said softly, leaning back and cupping Jensen’s jaw with one hand. His eyes glittered under the streetlight, and Jensen was suddenly reminded of another streetlight in another city once upon a time. From the expression on Jared’s face, Jensen could tell he remembered it as well. 

Jensen’s heart pounded in his chest as he leaned forward, resting his forehead on Jared’s before speaking. He closed his eyes for a long moment before opening them again, whispering, “Good, I like being here,” before kissing Jared softly.

There was a long moment where Jared trembled in his arms, a scared rabbit about to bolt, but Jensen just held him and kissed him again. Jared made a noise, of pain or joy Jensen couldn’t tell, but then his big hands were grabbing Jensen by the back of the head and deepening the kiss.

Jensen pulled back reluctantly, ducking his head when Jared made to kiss him again. “Are you staying at one of the cabins here, or at a motel nearby,” he asked breathlessly, giving in and kissing Jared deeply again.

“Perks of being the best friend of the bride,” Jared responded, sounding like he’d just run ten miles in a dead sprint. “My cabin’s right over there.” He waved a hand in the general direction of the cluster of cabins near the main hall, and Jensen tugged his shirt.

“Let’s head that way, yeah? I’m a little too old for car sex at this point, and you’re way too tall.” Jared chuckled and pinched Jensen’s ass, which definitely did not make him squeak like a girl, thank you very much. He took Jared by the hand and tugged him towards the cabins, leaving his bag in the car for the time being.

Jared’s cabin was the furthest from the parking lot and secluded from the rest of the cabins behind a small cluster of trees. When Jensen gave him a questioning look about the location, Jared shrugged. “I asked Gen about it earlier, and she said she wanted me to have my privacy. I don’t know about you, but I’m starting to think this whole thing was planned.”

Jensen chuckled. “Yeah, what makes you think that,” he asked, walking beside Jared as they made their way down the path to the cabin. “Was it the doctored invitation, or the fact that Mike just happened to have enough airline miles for me to book a last minute ticket out here?”

“Yeah, that is pretty damning, but when you add in the placement of the cabin and the fact that you made it here right before the ceremony started,” Jared pointed out, and Jensen nodded his agreement.

Arriving at Jared’s cabin, Jensen leaned against the door, tipping his head back to stare at Jared. Before he could get a word out, however, Jared placed a hand on each side of Jensen’s neck and leaned in close. “Tell me what you want,” he whispered, his breath tickling Jensen’s ear.

There was a sound on the path behind them, and Jared turned to see Dmitri walking a small dog down the path winding through the forest. 

“Don’t mind me, boys. I’ll just stand here and watch while Castielle does her business.”

Jared ducked his head and smothered his laugh into Jensen’s shoulder, and Jensen chuckled. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”

“Well, obviously. You two are young, attractive men. All I ask is that you wait to start taking clothes off until I get back with my camera,” Dmitri said lecherously, and on his shoulder, Jensen could feel Jared starting to vibrate with laughter.

“This isn’t Gays Gone Wild, Dmitri,” Jensen retorted, laughing. 

“Yeah, I don’t think so, Mish. Thanks but no thanks.” With that Jared reached behind Jensen and opened the cabin door, pulling Jensen inside the dark room. Shutting the door and locking it, he pushed Jensen against the wall and flicked the light switch on, bathing the room in light. Smiling sharply, he leaned in close once more.

# 

“So, where were we,” he whispered, licking a long line up Jensen’s neck before biting on his earlobe. A moan caught in the back of Jensen’s throat, and he eagerly leaned into Jared’s solid front.

“I believe you were asking me what I wanted, before we were so rudely interrupted,” Jensen replied, shivering as he turned his head and gave Jared access to the other side of his neck.

“Oh, yeah. So, Jensen- What do you want,” Jared asked again, biting and sucking his way down Jensen’s neck. Jensen shivered again, thinking of all the things he wanted from Jared.

“You know what I want,” Jensen asked, running his fingers through Jared’s hair before tugging gently.

“What,” Jared growled, biting on the soft skin behind Jensen’s ear and letting out a long moan when Jensen tugged harder on his hair.

“To be kissed,” Jensen said quietly, and let out a laugh at the look of disappointment Jared shot his way.

“Oh, I can do that,” Jared said, smiling. He leaned in and kissed Jensen softly, slowly, as though they had all the time in the world. Jensen bit Jared’s lip and Jared deepened the kiss with a growl. 

Pulling back, Jensen ducked when Jared tried to kiss him again. “Tie me to the bed and have your way with me?” Jensen teased between breaths, lips parted and eyes dilated so only a thin ring of green remained around the pupil.

“I’m gonna fucking ruin you, Jensen,” Jared growled, grabbing Jensen by the hips and tugging him away from the wall. Jared turned him around and pushed him in the general direction of the bed, but before Jensen could get two steps Jared plastered himself to Jensen’s back, his hands finding their way to Jensen’s hips. Jared urged him forward with a push, a possessive hand over Jensen’s hip that was steadily creeping towards resting against his belly while his other sought out the button at the top of Jensen’s jeans. 

“How do you want me to start,” Jared murmured against the sensitive skin of Jensen’s neck, causing him to shiver in the warmth of the small room. 

“Oh fuck, anything. Everything.” Jensen answered, turning and tangling his fingers in Jared’s hair before pulling him down into another kiss. Jared took control of the kiss and started tugging at Jensen’s shirt; once it was off he started on Jensen’s belt, pulling the leather tongue through the metal. 

Jensen dropped a hand down and started tugging on the bottom of Jared’s shirt. “Off before I tear it off,” Jensen demanded into the kiss. 

Jared chuckled darkly and placed a hand at the center of Jensen’s chest, pushing him back onto the bed at the center of the room. Jensen immediately arranged himself in the middle of the bed, stretching his arms above his head and sighing in comfort as he turned his head and took a deep breath. Pausing, he turned his head and sniffed, and a broad smile spread across his face.

“What’s that look for,” Jared asked, turning on the lamp on the nightstand before walking around the bed and flicking on the light on the other side. 

“Smells like you,” Jensen said roughly, and Jared was startled to see Jensen’s eyes shining in the darkness. “I missed that smell.”

Jared stripped quickly, watching as Jensen shucked off his jeans and boxers and lay back on the bed. Licking the palm of his hand slowly, he winked at Jared and began slowly stroking his cock, whimpering softly and throwing his head back at the sensation. Jared growled low in his throat and climbed back onto the bed, laying down on top of Jensen, putting his weight on him fully and taking his mouth in a punishing kiss. 

Sitting up slightly and resting his weight on his elbows, he ran a hand up Jensen’s side, fingers tracing his ribcage and pinching his nipple. Sitting up and straddling Jensen’s thighs, he repeated the motion with both hands before trailing his fingers across Jensen’s shoulders and down his biceps and forearms to his wrists. The gentleness of Jared’s touch made Jensen flinch, the soft skin of his forearms slightly ticklish and sensitive to stimulation. Grasping Jensen’s wrists, he pulled them up over Jensen’s head and held them against the headboard until Jensen grasped the brass frame. Jensen writhed, bucking his hips and rutting into the cut of Jared’s hips. 

Inspiration struck, and Jared climbed off Jensen. “Stay right where you are, Jensen. Don’t you fucking move,” he growled, jumping off the bed and walking to where he’d left his overnight bag. Pulling the leather belt from the loops of his jeans quickly, he turned and moved back to the bed.

Straddling Jensen’s hips once more, Jared reached up and lashed the belt through the D-links on Jensen’s cuffs, looping the leather through one of the brass semi-circles of the headboard and pulling them tight, stretching Jensen’s arms to their limit. “Gonna fuck you just like this, Jen. Keep you where I want to, make you beg for it if I want to. How does that sound?” He asked, kissing the tips of Jensen’s fingers, then down his arms, and finally up to his neck. Licking a long line up Jensen’s throat, he blew air softly at the spit-wet skin, causing gooseflesh to rise.

Jensen moaned, long and high, tugging on the make-shift restraints to test their strength. “Oh god, please,” Jensen moaned, arching his b ack. He kept pulling for a long moment, twisting as much as Jared would allow, trying to find a way out of the position Jared had put him in. Suddenly he wilted, all the fight gone from his posture, but Jared knew better than to think he’d won. His suspicion was confirmed when Jensen opened his mouth to speak.

“I should have known you’d be all talk, Padalecki. Quit fucking around and just fuck me already, damn it!” Jensen groaned, bucking his hips so hard Jared had to grab onto the headboard for balance.

“Alright, Jen. You asked for it.” Slipping off the bed quickly, Jared dug through his overnight bag and came up with a tube of lube from a side pocket. Seeing the jeans Jensen had kicked off heedlessly on the edge of the bed, he reached over and took Jensen’s belt as well before climbing back up onto the bed and kneeling over Jensen’s trapped frame. Jensen’s eyes darted nervously to where Jared was holding the belt, but he said nothing and Jared chuckled darkly.

Quickly pouring a small amount of lube onto his hand, Jared wrapped a hand around Jensen’s dick and squeezed tightly, coating the hot flesh in one smooth slide. The cold feeling of the lube on his heated skin had Jensen hissing through his teeth and arching against the bed. Jared bit back the smirk pulling at his lips as he rolled the head of Jensen’s dick against his palm, keeping the touch teasingly light. Jensen swore and bucked his hips up the few inches Jared’s weight on his thighs allowed, but Jared refused to budge. 

“What’s the big hurry, Jen? Somewhere else you gotta be?” Jared asked teasingly, tugging on Jensen’s balls and loving the whimpers it caused. 

Jensen struggled to open his legs wider, arching his back and pulling on the leather around his wrists, but Jared had him truly pinned. His lust-darkened green eyes snapped up to Jared when the realization dawned on him. 

“You said whatever I want to do, Jensen. Do the same rules as before apply?” Jensen nodded, and Jared reached down and flicked a nipple, still stroking Jensen’s cock in torturously slow movements. “Answer me, Jensen. Tell me the rules.” 

“Jesus fuck, Jared. I’m gonna be an old man before you actually fuck me again, you know that?” Jensen pulled against the belt again, and the brass headboard squeaked but didn’t budge. “Fine. Fuck. I don’t come until you say I can. I tell you if I don’t like anything you do or say. If I want to stop, I use my safe word or hand signal.”

“What is your safe word, Jensen?” Jared licked a long line up Jensen’s neck before biting down on his earlobe hard enough to bruise, and Jensen’s breath came out in a wheezing moan. “Jensen, answer me. What is your safe word?” Jared leaned back up, removing his hand from Jensen’s cock and waiting expectantly for a reply.

“Romo,” Jensen said, then bucked up again on the bed. “Romo is my safe word, asshole. Now get down here and fuck me. No more of this butterfly-kisses bullshit.”

Jared ignored the taunt, instead giving Jensen’s balls another tug as he began gently rubbing Jensen’s hole. “I’ve been lenient so far tonight, Jensen; after all, it has been a while since we’ve done this. I think that was the wrong choice now, given the mouth you have on you tonight. So, the last rule, the one you left out,” Jared purred into Jensen’s ear, finger dipping inside of Jensen, petting the very edge of his hole before slipping out again.

“Please, Master,” Jensen keened, muscles in his stomach twitching, thighs shaking. “Please, damn it. Please fuck me.” Ignoring Jensen’s challenge, Jared gave Jensen’s balls another tug. Jensen turned his surprised moan into a growl against the bicep of his arm, and Jared grinned. “Damn it, Master. Please.”

Jared wanted to hear Jensen beg for it, and knew Jensen wasn’t even close to really begging yet. He wanted to see if he could get the tip of Jensen’s cock as red as his lips, bitten red from Jared’s kisses. Working a slow, steady hand across the head of Jensen’s cock, Jared pinched and pulled at Jensen’s hardened nipples, drawing a myriad of moans and cries from him. There were a few times, while thumbing Jensen’s leaking tip or giving sharp tugs to his balls, that Jared thought he could hear the headboard protesting the strain Jensen was putting on it as he struggled against his bindings, but they were always quickly drowned out by Jensen’s very vocal displeasure at Jared’s comfortable pace.

Jared paused now and again to give his wrists a break, peppered Jensen’s stomach and chest with sharp nibbles and kisses and poured more lube over Jensen’s reddening cock. Jensen groaned loudest during the pauses, words reduced to whimpers and small cries, breathing now little hitches and hiccups as he pulled hard at the headboard and the belt fastened through his cuffs.

Jensen’s cock had darkened to an aggressive red, almost purple, by the fifth time Jared released him to lick and suck his way up Jensen’s neck. After more time than Jared would have bet Jensen would last, Jensen’s patience ran out, and he bucked his hips hard, trying to throw Jared off balance and dislodge him from Jensen’s lap. 

“We are never going to leave this cabin at the rate you’re going,” Jensen protested, tugging at the belt cinched through the D-rings on his cuffs impatiently. “Come on, fuck me, Master. Please,” Jensen whined, twisting his hips again in an attempt to dislodge Jared. 

For a moment, Jared regretted not paddling Jensen before tying him down and wondered if it would be possible to reposition Jensen on the bed. Glancing down, he saw Jensen’s eyelashes clumped with tears and a dark blush staining his cheeks, a sign Jared had come to recognize as Jensen getting close and enjoying the torture Jared was putting him through.

Grabbing the abandoned belt from the edge of the bed with a calculated slowness, Jared trailed it up Jensen’s chest, stopping to strike each nipple with quick snaps of his wrist. Jensen moaned and arched his back, and Jared repeated the gesture. The lamps on the nightstands illuminated Jensen’s wet eyelashes and the fine sheen of sweat on his chest. His lower lip was bitten red from frustration, and a fine tremor ran through his arms. Jared gripped a handful of Jensen’s hair and lifted his head, sliding the second belt around his throat. Wrapping the belt around his hand once, Jared watched as Jensen gave a silent cry when the belt cut off his airway. Jared released the belt as soon as a red flush began coloring Jensen’s sun-kissed skin. 

“What’s your color, Jensen?” Jared asked, running a thumb below the band of leather around Jensen’s throat, watching for any sign of discomfort on Jensen’s face.

“Green. Fucking emerald, lime, whatever. Please, just fuck me already,” Jensen exclaimed, and Jared chuckled. 

“Yeah, I don’t think you’re quite there yet,” he purred, dropping a kiss to Jensen’s sweaty forehead before sitting back on his haunches, arranging Jensen’s legs on each side of Jared’s knees. 

Jared pushed Jensen’s legs to rest on his own thighs and poured fresh lube on the head of Jensen’s cock, watching it thin as it warmed, drizzling down his length and pooling in the patch of hair at the base. Some dripped down onto his balls, pulled up tight against his body and a gorgeous shade of dusky purple. Running his fingers through the mess on Jensen’s stomach, he pressed a teasing finger against Jensen’s tight entrance. Jensen whimpered and lifted his knees to give Jared better access.

Jared thrust two lubed fingers into Jensen’s hole, not waiting for the flutter of muscle to stop before twisting them, scissoring and working the tight hole open. Jensen cried out as he slid in a third, and Jared’s eyes flicked to Jensen’s face to check for any signs of discomfort or distress. Instead, he saw Jensen had thrown his head back, bracing himself on the headboard and beginning a sinuous rhythm with his hips that allowed him to fuck back onto Jared’s fingers. 

Jared experimentally scissored all three fingers and thrust in hard, and the metallic hitch of Jensen straining against the headboard was drowned out by his keen of approval. With Jensen’s legs splayed across his own, Jared leaned across Jensen’s body and took hold of the leather belt again, pulling it tight above Jensen’s Adam’s apple as he withdrew his fingers and took Jensen’s cock in his lube-slicked fist. The belt turned Jensen’s exhale into a choked-off squeak. Jared teased Jensen’s dick for a long moment, watching as Jensen struggled between bucking his hips into Jared’s fist and parting his lips for air that wouldn’t come. 

Jared released Jensen’s cock a moment before loosening his grip on the belt, allowing Jensen to take several gasping breaths. Jared could tell from the sharp glint in Jensen’s eyes that he was about to make a snarky comment, so he pulled the belt tight again before Jensen could make a sound. Dropping a hand down to his own neglected cock, Jared lined himself up with Jensen’s stretched hole and released the leather as he slid in. There was no way that the guests in the other cabin nearby hadn’t heard the howl Jensen let out as Jared snapped their hips together, pushing inside Jensen in one quick thrust. 

Jared immediately had to reach down and clamp a hand around the base of his cock; Jensen’s tight heat pulsing around him had Jared immediately fighting his own orgasm. Jensen was fucking made for him- From the long line of his neck to the bowed legs wrapped around his waist, everything about him was tailor-made for Jared and his favorite fantasies. Jared leaned forward, grinding his hips into Jensen’s thighs and pushing Jensen further into the mattress. He ran a hand gently across Jensen’s cheek before reaching behind his head and tugging on the short hair at the nape of Jensen’s neck. Jensen began making high-pitched whimpers, moving his hips in small figure eights like he thought Jared wouldn’t notice. 

Each twitch of Jensen’s hips made him see stars, and from the way Jensen’s breath was hitching Jared knew he was nailing Jensen’s prostate on every thrust. Jensen was beautiful like this, eyes slits and lashes glittering with tears, mouth open softly and pink tongue darting at kiss-bitten lips as his lungs fought against the belt, back arching against the control of it, fighting to draw in more air as Jared pounded into him.

Jared leaned forward further, almost bending Jensen in half with his knees up by his ears and easing his grip on the belt. He ground his cock further into Jensen’s ass, loving the way the muscles of Jensen’s hole fluttered around him. The hot length of Jensen’s eager cock pressed against Jared’s stomach and Jensen let out a low moan, jerking his hips and trying to get more friction while pulling in deep breaths. Jared leaned forward, pulling Jensen’s legs around his waist. “You come on my dick only, Jensen,” Jared groaned as he rolled his hips, twisting the belt around his wrist to cut off Jensen’s air and any snarky comment Jensen might have made. 

Jared thrust shallowly again a few times before allowing Jensen to have another breath, releasing the belt to brace his hand against the headboard where the other belt was wrapped. The movement folded Jensen in half again, and Jensen cried out when his dick slid against Jared’s stomach again. “Wanna come, don’t you baby?” Jared cooed, spearing Jensen open on his dick. Pinned as he was, Jensen’s only option was to take what Jared gave him. Jared reached down and pulled the leather tight again, causing Jensen to arch up against the mock collar, a whine caught in his throat and his face turning a beautiful shade of pink. 

“You’re so fucking perfect, Jensen,” Jared praised as he slammed into Jensen again and set a brutal pace, using the belt and Jensen’s cock as leverage points. The brass bedframe began to creak under the weight of two grown men, but Jared ignored it in favor of listening to the whimpers and moans Jensen was making below him. 

Jared felt the headboard shift slightly under his hand but knew as hard as Jensen was pulling on it there would be some give from the bedframe. Suddenly there was a loud crack, and the bed shifted to the left. The bar moved under Jared’s hand, and he threw a hand out to catch himself against the wall and avoid bashing his head against the antique brass headboard. Jared turned wide eyes down to Jensen, who was suddenly freed from the headboard, the belt that had been wrapped around one of the arches now dangling free from his wrists. 

There was a shrill creaking noise, and suddenly the mattress was on the floor. Jared looked around and realized that because of Jensen pulling on the headboard and Jared’s movements on the bed itself, they had managed to break several of the welds holding the bed together and caused it to fall apart literally at the seams. Chuckling and still trying to catch his breath, Jared steadied himself on Jensen’s chest as he slowly eased out of Jensen’s hole. 

“Oh, fuck,” Jared yelped as Jensen sat up and put his bound hands squarely on Jared’s chest, pushing him onto his back. The bed creaked and groaned, and suddenly there was a loud clang as the footboard fell to the floor. The bed fell to the ground with a loud groan, and in the sudden silence, Jared was surprised to hear himself giggling.

“Always wanted to break a bed,” Jensen said wryly, lying next to Jared. “Now, you said something about wrecking me?” Jensen sat up and straddled Jared’s waist, resting his hands on Jared’s chest and settling his feet under Jared’s knees. His green eyes were practically glowing the dim light of the lamps a few feet away, and the mischievous expression on his face only meant trouble. 

“I do recall saying something like that, yes.” Jared grasped Jensen’s hips, sweeping his thumbs up and down Jensen’s hipbones in a gesture intended to drive Jensen crazy. 

Jensen’s lips quirked into a cocky grin, and Jared had only a moment to brace himself before Jensen blindly lined them up and eased down onto Jared’ s dick in one fluid motion.

“Oh fuck, Jensen,” Jared groaned, reaching up and grabbing onto Jensen’s hips to hold him still as he thrust up against Jensen’s weight in his lap. 

“Such a fucking tease,” Jensen panted, fucking himself down on Jared’s dick and swiveling his hips, using Jared’s chest for support. He clenched his thigh muscles and lifted himself back up before sliding down again slowly, throwing his head back at the sensation of Jared filling him so deeply. Shifting his hips from side to side experimentally, Jensen started a rhythm that quickly had both of them gasping for air.

“You know you love it,” Jared ribbed, thrusting up as Jensen leaned back in his lap, grinding down and moving like he was riding a bull, all sinuous motion and snapping hips. 

“Stop talking and fuck me, smartass,” Jensen growled, slamming back down hard, breath hiccupping in his chest when Jared met him halfway. “Fuck, Jared. Fucking missed this.” 

Jared's hands were white knuckled in their grip on Jensen’s hips, and Jensen pried one away to hold it with his still bound hands. He quirked an eyebrow, and Jared quickly got the picture and unwrapped the belt from Jensen’s wrists. Jared made the cuffs connect with a snap, and reached up to wind the belt around Jensen’s neck instead. As the belt tightened around his neck, Jensen twitched, looking hot and shocky, his entire frame shaking and sweat dripping in rivulets down his chest. 

Jared thrust into him, ground in as far as he could go and still tried to go deeper, pulled Jensen down onto his chest and raised his knees behind Jensen, using the leverage to fuck into Jensen harder, his cock pressing against Jensen’s sweet spot with every thrust. He tightened the belt further, watching the way Jensen’s mouth twisted in to a snarl before he kissed it, releasing the belt so Jensen could breathe into the kiss. His cock was throbbing, his balls felt full and heavy, and Jared could feel the thrum of his heartbeat pulsing in his throat and the hand holding the belt and his thighs as they flexed, sliding his cock in and out of Jensen’s tight heat. 

Jensen leaned back again, resting his hands on Jared’s chest as he bounced up and down on Jared’s cock, legs visibly shaking from the effort of moving. Jensen’s cock stood swollen and dripped on Jared’s stomach, twitching every time Jared hit his prostate. Jared released his grip on Jensen’s hip to wrap his hand around Jensen’s cock, trying to time his strokes to Jensen’s movements and failing as Jensen whimpered and his movements became more erratic. 

It only took a few twists of his wrist and a well-timed pull on the belt to have Jensen on the edge, eyes glazed over and mouth trembling. “Come for me, Jensen,” Jared groaned, and Jensen shot all over his hand, sticky streaks covering Jared’s chest and stomach. Jensen’s eyes rolled back as he cried out, and Jared quickly released the belt, tugging it off and rolling them over so Jensen was on his back.

Jensen clenched down on him, spasming and twitching as he continued to come. Jared ground into him, breath shaky and arms trembling from the strain of holding himself upright. “Fuck, Jensen. You feel so fucking good,” Jared moaned, rolling his hips slowly. 

Jensen reached down with shaky hands and ran his fingers through the mess cooling on his stomach before lifting the fingers to Jared’s mouth. Jared was breathing hard, feeling like he was the one with a belt around his throat, but he wrapped his tongue around Jensen’s fingers all the same, sucking down Jensen’s gift before gasping hard. “Shit, Jen. I’m gonna… “

Jared started to withdraw, feeling his balls tighten in warning, but Jensen’s legs flew up and held him close, pulling him back in.

“No one since you, Jay. No one but you. Stay, please,” Jensen whispered, and with a cry Jared came, hips stuttering and heart pounding in his throat. He rested his forehead on Jensen’s, breathing heavily and shifting to kiss him, all teeth and tongues and spit. It was messy, hot in the still air of the room, and he could feel the sweat drying tacky on his back, but Jared couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so happy.

They stayed that way for a long moment, listening to the way they breathed in unison and felt each other’s heartbeats in their chests. Finally, Jensen squirmed a bit, and Jared fell to the side, wincing at the tacky pull of drying come on his stomach. Jensen took a deep breath beside him, and Jared turned his head to see Jensen staring at him fondly, chewing on his lower lip.

“What’s on your mind?” Jared asked, dreading the answer but asking anyway.

“I don’t want to, but I’m kind of freaking out right now, to be honest,” Jensen admitted quietly, taking Jared’s hand in his and squeezing it gently. “I kinda flew out here without a plan beyond ‘tell Jared everything and hope for the best,’ you know?”

“So you’re wondering, what now?” Jared whispered, rolling onto his side on the mattress so he could see Jensen’s face more clearly. 

Jensen paused, emotions flickering across his face faster than Jared could keep up. Jared waited patiently, though, wanting to let Jensen get it out however he needed to.

“Before you left Chicago, you mentioned that the timing had always been off for us, and that’s something that stuck with me for a long time after you left. The thing is, I don’t think I was ready for everything you were offering me. I could handle parts of it, most of the time, but the idea of accepting the entirety of what you were willing to give me… It terrified me. And when I started thinking that maybe I was ready, you brought up Seattle, and I just shut down again. It took me a lot of time working with Danneel to understand why, but I do now,” Jensen explained. Jared held his breath, hoping he understood what Jensen was confessing.

“Listen, I’m still not perfect. There are still things that I struggle with, things that I know are going to drive you up a wall, but I’m here because I want to be, and I need to be. If someone told me now that I had to either marry you or never see you again, I would marry you because I want to know you better and relearn all the little things that make up who you are. I missed those little things.” Jensen sat up, animatedly waving his hands, and Jared found a grin stretching across his face.

“I am giving you my whole heart, okay? I have nothing more to offer, and I don’t want to give it to anyone else. I love you, Jared, and I’m finally not fighting myself about it. If you want true love, this is it. I’m not saying it’s going to be perfect because nothing real ever is, but-“ Jared cut off Jensen’s speech with a finger to the lips.

“Say it again, Jensen,” he said, sitting up as well, pulling the discarded sheet across both their laps so Jensen couldn’t see how his words had made his dick twitch. His heart was heavy in his throat, and his pulse was pounding in his ears.

“It’s not perfect because nothing real ever is?” Jensen said, raising an eyebrow in confusion.

“No, the other thing,” Jared said, shifting onto his knees so they could be eye to eye, and taking Jensen’s hands in his again.

“Oh, that. I love you,” Jensen repeated joyfully, eyes shining in the lamplight. “I love you, Jared, and I really want to make you mix cds and play you songs on my guitar and sing you to sleep and take your picture at random moments for the rest of our lives.”

Jared smiled, feeling his eyes burn with tears. He swallowed hard, chest tight with emotion. Jared glanced down at their hands, where Jensen’s fingers were entwined with his. “I want that too, Jen,” he choked out, jaw trembling. It felt like Christmas Eve and the 4th of July and his birthday all at once, anticipation and fireworks and a joy almost too large to bear.

Jared let go of Jensen’s hands in order to place a hand on the side of his face, leaning forward and kissing him softly. The kiss deepened, and Jared tried to pour all of the emotion he was feeling into the way he kissed and nipped Jensen’s lower lip. 

“I love you too. Say it again?” Jared blurted, smiling broadly and still unable to believe his ears.

Jensen laughed and flopped back down onto the mattress, reaching up and pulling Jared down beside him. Leaning up on one elbow above Jared, he traced the arch of Jared’s nose with a fingertip, chuckling when Jared made to bite his finger.

“I love you, Jared.”

FIN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Resolution Soundtrack
> 
> 1\. The Man Who Can’t Be Moved – The Script 2\. Everlong – Foo Fighters 3\. Lego House – Ed Sheeran 4\. The Reason – Hoobastank 5\. Not Broken Anymore – Blue October 6\. Chasing Cars – Snow Patrol 7\. XO – John Mayer 8\. Give Me Love – Ed Sheeran 9\. Come On Get Higher – Matt Nathanson 10\. You And Me – Lifehouse 11\. Collide (Acoustic) – Howie Day 12\. Naked – X-Ambassadors 13\. Save Me - Hanson 14\. This – Ed Sheeran 
> 
> [The Resolution on Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/user/1221018653/playlist/1HEIUs5UvLmgtkm1bXYDp7)


	10. Author Notes

To AP, whose crazy idea this was to begin with: Thank you for cheering me on as much as you did, the all-nighters you pulled with me, and for being such an amazing beta. 

To KP, the song of my heart and the stars in my soul: Thank you for making me want to use words again, and encouraging me to use better ones. We've been through so many fandoms together over the years, and I'm so very glad we're friends. DAE forever!

To dollarformyname, who did such an awesome, amazing job with what I gave her, and took a chance on me even though my first summary was absolute trash. I'm so glad I got to have you as an artist for my very first Big Bang, and I hope we get to work together again someday!

To everyone on Tumblr who encouraged me and helped at weird hours of the day when I was freaking out over minor stuff- I appreciate it more than I have words to express.

Please take a moment to comment and let me know what you think? Concrit and suggestions always welcome.

You can always find me at [ thep0rnfairy](https://thep0rnfairy.tumblr.com), for I am a useless potato with too much time on her hands. Please come say hi- I promise I don't bite unless asked.


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